Margot was abandoned as a baby outside a hospital, and the only thing she knows is that her mother came from an Amish family living at the Beiler Farm. She decides to make a documentary about her past, and brings with her some friends: Chris, the cameraman, and Dale, the soundman. They meet up with her blood relative Samuel, who leads them to the place where Margot’s mother came from. There they meet Jacob, the patriarch of the commune and also Margot’s grandfather. They’re welcomed, and soon strange events start happening. Margot gets some cryptic signs indicating that her mother, Sarah, is still alive and at the location somewhere. They also find a small church that is locked up, and they’re told they’re not allowed to enter. As more and more red warning signs start blinking, things have already gone too far before they realize that they’re all in danger at the isolated Amish farm.
Paranormal Activity: Next of Kin is a supernatural horror film from 2021, and despite the title, it doesn’t have jack-shit to do with the franchise aside from the name. It’s written by William Eubank, and produced by Jason Blum and Oren Peli. It’s the 7th film in the series, despite that Ghost Dimension from 2015 was promoted as the final installment. Next of Kin is very much a stand-alone film, and was originally planned for a theatrical release but then COVID-19 happened, and it became the first Paranormal Activity film to not get shown on the big screen.
It was released mostly to negative reviews, and to be honest, it very much escaped our interest back in 2021 mostly because of it seemingly being yet another film in the PA franchise. Sure, we really did love the first movie when it came out back in the day, its simplicity felt very fresh and effective, but there’s a limit to how interesting it was able to keep that premise going. The people who love the movies in this franchise, however, would definitely be put off due to the fact that this movie has nothing to do with neither the characters from the franchise, or anything else. It’s like this movie was written as something completely independent, but then they decided to slap “Paranormal Activity“ in the title in hopes of more attention. While this might have gained the movie more viewers, I also think the problem was that the ones who wanted a new PA movie would be left dissatisfied, while those of us who had grown tired of these movies were more likely to turn a blind eye. Oh well.
As we decided to check it out this year, we were left with a feeling that this movie is by no means any masterpiece, but it’s far from a bad one either. One of the major elements that keeps you engaged is the mystery behind Margot’s Amish family, her mother, the isolated farm and the creepy little church. The surroundings makes for some decent atmosphere, and the isolation of the Amish farm and the people living there are creepy enough even without any supernatural intervention. And speaking of, the supernatural elements are put a little in the backseat for the majority of the film, as it mostly plays out as a mystery where Margot is trying to find out what happened to her mother. To be honest, the entire movie could even have done well without anything supernatural in it.
Overall, Paranormal Activity: Next of Kin is a generic but pretty fine found-footage horror film, that doesn’t really feel like it belongs in the PA universe. The movie is playing more on the mystery elements than the supernatural ones, so just watch it while having in mind that the title could simply have been cut to “Next of Kin“.
Director: William Eubank Writer: Christopher Landon Country & year: USA, 2021 Actors: Emily Bader, Roland Buck III, Dan Lippert, Jaye Ayres-Brown, Tom Nowicki, Jill Andre, Alexa Niziak, Colin Keane, Ari Notartomaso, Michael Short, Al Garrison IMDb: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt10515988/
John Hobbes is a Philadelphia Police Detective, who is about to visit the serial killer Edgar Reese who is on death row. Despite this, Reese is in a pretty good mood, and during their conversation he grabs Hobbes’ hand and says something that at first is assumed to be pure gobbledygook, but is later identified as Syrian Aramaic. Later, when Reese is about to be executed, he mocks everyone who is watching. Not in Gacy-style by telling them to kiss his ass, but by singing “Time Is on My Side“ by The Rolling Stones. When the show is over, the world is one psychopath less. Or is it? Shortly afterwards, Hobbes and his partner Jonesy investigates a string of new murders which is reminiscent of Reese’s style, making them think there’s a copycat on the loose. As Hobbes digs further, he finds that something demonic is pulling the strings.
Fallen is a supernatural horror thriller from 1998, directed by Gregory Hoblit and stars Denzel Washington, John Goodman, Donald Sutherland, Embeht Davidtz, James Gandolfini and Elias Koteas. It received mixed reviews, and earned only $25.2 million on a $46 million budget. It has later started gaining a bit of a cult following where the common audience appears to be a lot more appreciative than the critics.
Supernatural horror movies about demon hunting and possessions are a dime a dozen, and if you’ve also seen the Supernatural TV series, this movie will feel like very familiar and well-trodden territory. Now, with this being a movie from 1998, it’s kind of fun to check out something that precedes the others and it definitely holds up well on its own. The supernatural elements are for the most part portrayed as a more mysterious part of the movie, mixing well with the detective elements. There’s no graphic violence or any actual scares here, but the mystery entwined with the supernatural elements makes it exciting enough for a popcorn evening. There’s also a fair amount of familiar faces here: Donald Sutherland plays a grumpy no-bullshit kind of guy as usual, and John Goodman fits well as the upbeat and jolly policeman. James Gandolfini, most known for his role as the mafia boss Tony in the TV series The Sopranos, hasn’t become the well-known mafia character yet and here he is walking around with a 70s mustache. Denzel Washington who is playing the protagonist is also doing a good job at playing a rational character who is very much forced to believe all the strange stuff that keeps happening around him.
Those who watched Nefarious (2023) saw the similarities to Fallen, and I also think that the Supernatural series might’ve been inspired as well. Still, the plot of Fallen is also similar to a movie from 1990 called The First Power, where a policeman hunts a serial killer called the Pentagram Killer, who’s been brought back to life by Satan. That movie received mostly negative reception, but ended up being a financial success anyway (then again, it had a much lower budget).
Overall, Fallen is a pretty nice supernatural thriller, which will probably feel a bit familiar if you’ve ever seen Supernatural or any of the demon-hunting movies or series that’s been released over the years. The movie is, however, pretty easy to feel comfortable with as it doesn’t overplay the supernatural events to the point of it becoming too cheesy, and it’s fast paced enough to have a lasting popcorn-entertainment effect. It also has a pretty nice twist at the end, and while I’ve gotten a bit tired of movies focusing too much on leading up to a twist, this one came more like a sly little surprise, and that’s something I can appreciate.
Director: Gregory Hoblit Writer: Nicolas Kazan Country & year: USA, 1998 Actors: Denzel Washington, John Goodman, Donald Sutherland, Embeth Davidtz, James Gandolfini, Elias Koteas, Gabriel Casseus, Michael J. Pagan, Robert Joy, Frank Medrano IMDb: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0119099/
Uh-oh…Here comes the little grey men! With their sticky faces and lasers. So let’s demonstrate our Second Amendment by shooting them straight in the mug to show them who’s the good guys here. Can’t get more Americana than that, besides having a collective, chronic and crippling fear of aliens/lizard people (and Bigfoot). God bless America.
The McPherson Tape is a penny-budget amateur found footage film that starts during a birthday party with the Van Heese family at an isolated farmhouse in Connecticut. The year is 1983 and Michael has just bought a shiny new VHS camera to document the five-year-old Michelle blowing out the candles. Then suddenly the electricity goes out…
Michael and his brothers head out in the pitch black darkness to get a clue on what happened, and what they see not so far from the house is a UFO and three tiny aliens from a certain Steven Spielberg film. It’s, of course, all blurry, grainy and unfocused since there was no budget to build a decent-looking spaceship. As the pussy pants they are, they run back to the house in full panic mode, grab the shotgun and shoot one of the poor aliens. Thoughts and prayers.
Now we just wait for the remaining aliens to take revenge on these morons. Because it’s hard to give a single frick about the family. The grandmother seems more irritated by being in the film, while the youngest of the cast, Michelle, looks more bored and wants to play cards rather than pretend to be scared. There’s a lot of yelling, arguing and such to amp up the tension as they’re isolated in the house while Michael, the cameraman, moans constantly like as if he hasn’t jerked-off since last week: Ahhh – Ahh – Ahhh – Ahh – Ahhhh – Ahhh – Ahhh – Ahhh …
The McPherson Tape is written and directed by the young and upcoming filmmaker Dean Alioto, who made the film during one night after a week of rehearsals. A friend of his funded the budget of $6,500 and the film got a distribution deal. And here’s the starting point with the wild circumstances around it, all from the funny conspiracy theories and how people actually believed that this was legit proof that aliens walk among us. Because listen to this; after the distribution deal, the warehouse burned down with all the copies of the film and Dean Alioto bitterly wrote the film off as a big loss. Life went on as he continued to work in the television industry without realizing that the distributor had managed to send out dozens of copies before the fire. One of these VHS cassettes ended up in the hands of a prankster who re-edited the opening and closing text. He/she then spread pirated copies to the UFO community where the audience around the US burst into full hysteria mode as they believed that this mysterious home-made film was real. Rumors also spread that the authorities were trying to seize video copies, which, yeah, of course. The most profiled people who ate this up were the UFO expert Tom Dongo and the retired Lt. Colonel for the U.S. Army stated that I am not convinced that this thing is a hoax. Dean Aliato eventually got his lost film under the radar, as it lived a life of its own, which he apparently had forgotten about, and made a public statement that the film was just a fake amateur reel. But too late as the floodgates are fully open.
The original title for the film was actually U.F.O. Abduction, but got called The McPherson Tape during its resurrection at the UFO conventions in the 1990s, despite there’s no one in the film with that name. Huh…
Dean Aliato didn’t seem to have higher ambitions than making a silly film packed in a new unique format that we haven’t seen before, and all credits goes to him for being as ahead of his time with the found footage genre as he was. By all means. This would maybe be seen as the first Blair Witch if it got the theatrical release. And somehow it did, but only very limited at UFO conventions where the popcorn was replaced with mushrooms. But the product itself is way too sloppy and naive to be taken seriously, even back in 1989. I’d probably be more impressed if this was made in the 1950s or in the wake of Orson Welle’s radio drama The War of the Worlds. I couldn’t avoid laughing when we saw the glimpses of the aliens more closely, here played by three eight-year-olds in the most stereotypical and generic looking costumes possible. So it has its amusing entertainment value during its short runtime of 70 minutes, but mostly for the wrong reasons. The controversies behind it make it even funnier with the fact that there are UFO “experts“ even to this day in the year of 2025 who is convinced that this is 100% authentic. Because believing in aliens in the USA isn’t just a matter of believing, it’s a full-blown religion.
Dean Alioto remade the film in 1998 for the TV channel UPN, titled Alien Abduction: Incident in Lake County. It never got a physical release but can be watched on YouTube. Despite a higher budget and more professional actors, the film is even worse than the original and gives an impression that it was made just to mock the gullible minds who still refused to believe that The McPherson Tape was not real. And guess what: several UFO “experts“ actually did. Yes – again. Fool me once, fool me twice. I’d bet that the same audience got some sleepless nights after Oren Peli’s hidden space turkey Area 51 (2015) and would have no problem believing that ALF (the ’80s sitcom) was abruptly canceled with the most brutal cliffhanger because the US Government found out that he was played by an actual real alien.
Writer and director: Dean Alioto Original title: U.F.O. Abduction Country & year: USA, 1989 Actors: Tommy Giavocchini, Patrick Kelley, Shirly McCalla, Stacey Shulman, Christine Staples, Laura Tomas, Dean Alioto, Kay Parten, Ginny Klekker, Rose Schneider IMDb: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0169005/
Arkin O´Brien is a handyman who is working for the Chase family. He’s a former convict, and his wife is in debt to loan sharks who wants to get paid due by midnight. Arkin then desperately makes a plan: he decides to steal a valuable ruby from the Chase home. After all, the family was going on a vacation so the house would be empty, so this would be like stealing candy from a baby, right? No such luck, though. While there, he finds that someone else got there before him, and they’re not after the ruby or any other valuables…he sees the father of the family getting dragged down into the basement by a masked man. Not only that, but when Arkin tries to call 911, he discovers that the entire house has been booby-trapped and rigged with all kinds of deadly devices. Even the windows have been boarded up and lined with razors. When he finds out that the entire Chase family has been captured by this masked madman, he discovers that the little girl of the family has been able to hide. He decides to try and save her, despite feeling like a fly trapped in a spider’s dangerous net.
The Collector is a horror film from 2009, written by Patrick Melton and Marcus Dunstan, and directed by Dunstan. The original script was titled The Midnight Man, and was actually at one point considered a spin-off prequel to the Saw franchise as some kind of origin story of Jigsaw. Fortunately, as this movie stands very well on its own, this idea was dismissed by the producers and the script was re-written into an original story.
Despite the re-write of the script, the Saw/Jigsaw-esque traps are very prominent throughout the movie, and they are always sadistic and inventive. I also find the spider-like appearance and antics of the masked man to be quite enjoyable, making him stand out a bit from the all too generic slasher/serial killer villain by giving him some features of his very own. His victims are trapped in his spiderweb, so to speak, and you just gotta admire how the guy manages to put the most elaborate traps all over the place in no time. It’s like Kevin from Home Alone grew up to be a serial killer.
The kills are brutal and gory, delivering plenty of graphic moments. The serial killer comes off as mysterious and pretty creepy, with no background story or any actual motive or reasoning behind what he does. We do realize there is some kind of fascination towards bugs or especially spiders (there are also several spider shots throughout the film), and the black glowing contact lenses he appears to be using which makes his face appear more bug-like. He “collects“ one from each of his killing sprees, but for what reason, we can (at least for now) just speculate. In this movie the character was played by Juan Fernández.
While The Collector is, overall, a pretty fun time, you can’t really help but noticing a few puzzling and nonsensical things regarding the killer. Why take everything to such great lengths by booby-trapping the entire home, when he’d already captured the family and had them tied up? It wasn’t like he expected any visitors. Not to mention how fast he could put up all those traps…but hey, all of that is nitpicking for a movie that doesn’t really take itself all too serious to begin with. It is a fun home invasion/serial killer thriller, with a bit of Saw meets Home Alone.
Director: Marcus Dunstan Writers: Patrick Melton, Marcus Dunstan Country & year: USA, 2009 Actors: William Prael, Diane Ayala Goldner, Juan Fernández, Josh Stewart, Michael Reilly Burke, Andrea Roth, Karley Scott Collins, Madeline Zima, Haley Pullos, Daniella Alonso IMDb: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0844479/
Today, being Valentine’s Day, what better opportunity is there to write about an erotic thriller about killer werecats? So let’s dive into what Cat People from 1982 is all about:
In a primitive human settlement in what appears to be a prehistoric past, with surroundings that are slightly surreal and tinted with reddish colors which almost makes it look like it could’ve been at some other planet, a young maiden is tied to a tree in some kind of sacrifice. A black panther then comes and attacks her. Later, another girl enters a cave where another black panther is residing, but this time there’s no attack. Fast forward to present time, a young woman named Irena Gallier has traveled to New Orleans from Canada, in order to reconnect with her brother Paul. They were both orphaned when very young, and raised in different foster homes. Now, Paul lives with his housekeeper Femolly, and apparently likes to seek out prostitutes. One night, a prostitute named Ruthie gets violently attacked by a black panther, causing her death. The police are called, of course, but since it’s an obvious animal attack the zoologists Oliver, Alice and Joe are called to capture the wild beast, which proves to be a black panther. They bring the animal to the New Orleans zoo. Simultaneously, Irena notices that Paul is missing. Hm, what a coincidence. Irena decides to explore a bit on her own, and ends up visiting the zoo, where she appears to be mesmerized by the newly captured black panther and stays for so long that the zoo’s curator, Oliver, ends up confronting her and then takes her to dinner. Not only that, but he also offers her a job at the zoo’s gift shop. The black panther later tears off Joe’s arm which cause him to bleed to death, and then it manages to escape. Soon, Irena discovers that both she and her brother Paul has a shared heritage that is destined to turn out deadly for everyone involved…and especially those involved with them in intimate ways.
Cat People is a horror film from 1982, directed by Paul Schrader and it stars Nastassja Kinski, Malcolm McDowell, John Heard, and Annette O´Toole. It’s a remake of the 1942 film by the same name, and also produced by the same studio, RKO Radio Pictures. It doesn’t have much similarities with the original, and as you might expect this version is considerably more explicit. Nastassja Kinski does an excellent portrayal as the mysterious, seemingly meek and beautiful woman who is able to enchant Oliver to the brink of total obsession with her. You can literally see the feline features in both her appearance and behaviour, so I’d say she was definitely a perfect cast for this role. The story, being set in New Orleans, gives the atmosphere and surroundings a definite European feel (which isn’t a surprise since New Orleans was a French colony until 1763, then it was transferred to Spain for a short period before transferred back to France in 1803).
Creature feature lovers will not get a full meal here as the creature effects and transformation scenes are used very sparingly. There is a little bit of gore, where the most graphic scene is the zoo worker getting his arm ripped off. So a little bit of gore, some monster effects and mostly plenty of nudity is what you’re in for here. The narrative doesn’t offer too much substance, and the movie is very much atmosphere and eroticism mixed with the thriller elements of how people are killed once the cat people turn into vicious black panthers. The reason for their werecat-turning is something akin to a curse: they turn into these beasts once they make love to a normal human, making them “doomed“ to stay a virgin or only have sex with “their own kind“.
Regarding the production and filming of Cat People, there’s a story about how Nastassja Kinski had an affair with the director, Schrader, during the production, and it all went so far that he planned to propose to her at the wrap party. This proposal never happened, as she didn’t show up and decided to ghost him afterwards. It took Schrader three months to track her down in Paris, and the only thing she had to say to him was “Paul, I always fuck my directors. And with you it was difficult“. Kinski has later claimed this story to be false in a 2001 interview with The Daily Telegraph. Aside from that little story, the filming apparently had a little bit of a hiccup when Paul Schrader was one day so stoned that he refused to come out of his trailer, causing a whole day of filming to get lost. This is something Schrader told himself, so at least that part isn’t just a rumour.
And now, it’s time for a kitty bit: the section “Big Cats“ of the New Orleans Zoo which is shown in the movie, was a set constructed in the Universal Studios back-lot.
Overall, Cat People is an erotic and visual experience, and pretty enjoyable overall. It also has its own theme song, called Putting Out Fire, with music by Giorgio Moroder and lyrics and performance by David Bowie. Ah, the good old days of theme songs..
Director: Paul Schrader Writers: Alan Ormsby, Paul Schrader Country & year: USA, 1982 Actors: Nastassja Kinski, Malcolm McDowell, John Heard, Annette O’Toole, Ruby Dee, Ed Begley Jr., Scott Paulin, Frankie Faison, Ron Diamond, Lynn Lowry, John Larroquette IMDb: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0083722/
Gretchen and her father Luis, Stepmother Beth, and the mute half-sister Alma moves to a resort town in the Bavarian Alps. Gretchen doesn’t really want to, but she can’t live with her mother anymore and needs to come with them. Yay. Her family are going to help building a new hotel there, and upon arriving the buoyant Herr König offers Gretchen a job at the front desk where she even manages to meet a love interest. So…maybe things won’t be so bad after all? Then, strange and bad shit starts happening of course. Several women are entering the reception desk while vomiting, and she also has an encounter with a terrifying hooded woman. Things start getting even more serious when Gretchen meets a detective named Henry, who is investigating a murder that happened on the premises. On top of it all, Alma starts having seizures. Gretchen feels compelled to both get the fuck away from there and also to find out what’s up with this resort, which soon proves to put both herself and her entire family in danger.
Cuckoo is a horror film from 2024, written and directed by Tilman Singer. It premiered at the 74th Berlin International Film Festival on February 16, 2024, and was then released theatrically in the US on August 9, and later in Germany on August 29.
This is one of those movies where you (unless you’ve gone and gotten the entire plot spoiler from somewhere beforehand) have no idea what it will be going for. All you know is that it’s going to be one of those unraveling mystery packages where you’ll be sitting like a bit of a question mark for some time during the viewing. And indeed, already from the start you are immediately teased with several little nuggets about the protagonist and her struggles, not knowing much more than that she misses her mother and keeps calling her. Her relationship to her stepmother and half-sister are barely existent, and her relationship to her father is strained and filled with underlying hurt. Atmosphere-wise, the Bavarian Alps and the beautiful landscape fits rather well to give off an isolated feeling, which ironically couldn’t make too much of a difference to Gretchen as she’s already alone and isolated with her own struggles. Everything Gretchen experiences almost feels like the result of a shroom-induced fever dream, where everything is just…well…off. Everything just feels weird, odd, and totally cuckoo, and this surreal vibe throughout is not even the movie’s raison d’etre. Let’s just say that the movie’s title is actually more literal than you’d imagine.
We do get a fair amount of time with Gretchen wandering around, taking her bicycle out for some exploring, finding out one piece of the mystery puzzle after the other until things start falling into place. Eventually, once the mysteries are revealed, we do venture into a total sci-fi-fiddle-faddle territory where it doesn’t really…make too much sense, I guess? It’s very much making up its own logic, and in some ways this makes for an even more surreal and trippy experience where nothing seems to be grounded in reality. Like one of those dreams you have that starts off with a certain familiarity to real life, and then everything ventures into total cuckoo-land where you later realize that dreaming is often like being temporarily mentally insane. I personally think the odd and surreal choices for the story in Cuckoo works pretty well, but I can see how some people might be put off by it.
Overall, Cuckoo is a weird film with a slightly dreamlike vibe to it, focusing a lot on a surreal mood and atmosphere and ends up going places you probably didn’t expect beforehand.
Writer and director: Tilman Singer Country & year: Germany/USA, 2024 Actors: Hunter Schafer, Jan Bluthardt, Marton Csokas, Jessica Henwick, Dan Stevens, Mila Lieu, Greta Fernández, Proschat Madani, Astrid Bergès-Frisbey, Konrad Singer, Kalin Morrow IMDb: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt12349832/
It’s 1916, during the Battle of the Somme. A French captain has been wounded, and brought to the medical tent. He’s got hit by three bullets, but when the army surgeon removes them he discovers an additional fourth bullet which is made of silver. How did that get there? Well, obviously the captain knows as he smiles and says “eight for silver“. Then we need to head back 35 years before the battle, to 1881 in rural France, in order to find out the origins of that silver bullet. The brutish land baron Seamus slaughters a Romani clan who have settled upon “his“ land, except it’s not really his, they have a claim to it. Seamus won’t have any of that, of course, and he gathers a bunch of men to have them brutally killed and one of them is even dismembered and put on a stake as a horrifying scarecrow. Yikes! But, as everyone should know, you do not wrong anyone from a Romani clan without suffering the consequences. The elderly woman of the clan is buried holding a set of silver dentures, which will now serve as a means for their revenge. Soon, the townspeople and Seamus’ children are having terrifying nightmares of the dismembered scarecrow and the silver fangs. One day, the children go to the place where the scarecrow is located and the silver fangs were buried, and a farm boy named Timmy digs it up in what appears to be a trance-like urge. He then puts them inside his mouth, and bites one of the other children’s throat. This is the start of a nightmare for the townspeople and Seamus and his family most of all.
The Cursed (aka Eight for Silver) is a gothic horror werewolf film from 2021, directed by Sean Ellis. It was shot in the Charente region of western France, filmed on 35mm with anamorphic lenses. The movie serves as a gothic spin on the werewolf mythos, of which there have been numerous interpretations over the years. All from the classical old-fashioned werewolf movies to coming-of-age movies like Ginger Snaps, or movies set in a more modern setting like Wer. This one belongs in the old-fashioned category but with twists and turns of its own. The director said he was inspired by the story of the Beast of Gévaudan from the 1700s, where a man-eating beast was terrorizing the people of the former province of Gévaudan in the Margeride Mountains of south-central France, where there had been 210 attacks and 113 deaths between 1763 and 1767. Historians are still unsure what kind of animal the “beast“ was, but most likely an unusually large wolf, perhaps the last of the extinct species the dire wolf. Needless to say, stories like this are the perfect fuel for myths and legends, and it’s easy to see how it could inspire one to make a werewolf story.
Visually, the movie is very good with some decent set-pieces. The misty landscape during the bleakest autumn is a perfect setup for a movie like this. I also like how the early scene with the slaughtered Romani people sets a certain presumption of what to come, this scene was more brutal than anticipated. And indeed, there are some gory and bloody scenes here, and the effects are overall pretty fine, especially the practical ones. There’s a perceptible feeling of dread from the very start, aided with the fear and anticipation amongst the characters. When the first victim turns into a werewolf and the killing starts, the movie still manages to hold on to the feeling of mystery and trepidation. The only downside is that the movie outstays its welcome a little bit too much, where the final parts of the movie feels much longer than they should have. The pacing was overall pretty good throughout most of the movie, but it could have fared much better if the runtime was cut a little shorter.
Overall, The Cursed (or Eight for Silver, which I personally think is a better and less generic title) is a pretty good werewolf movie with a gothic flair.
Writer and director: Sean Ellis Country & year: UK/France/USA, 2021 Also known as: Eight for Silver Actors: Boyd Holbrook, Kelly Reilly, Alistair Petrie, Roxane Duran, Nigel Betts, Stuart Bowman, Simon Kunz, Amelia Crouch, Max Mackintosh, Tommy Rodger, Áine Rose Daly, Millie Kiss, Tom Sweet IMDb:https://www.imdb.com/title/tt9907782/
I’ve seen some terrible, mind-boggling, retarded and fascinating amateur shows over the many years, but nothing could prepare me for this little Canadian shiny turd of a film called Things. And in this case, that is something I can appreciate. I’m always searching for the next best-worst movie, since I’ve always had a weak spot for these kinds of films, and this one belongs somewhere deep down of the horror movie iceberg. It’s impossible to review Things in a conventional sense, and is one of those that you just have to experience for yourself. Visually, to use that word very loosely, it’s something like Manos: The Hands of Fate meets Violent Shit, filmed in an obscure fever dream in the skull of Jörg Buttgereit.
The film starts right off like something that looks like some cursed low-fi video from the dark web. And to be fair, the same could be said about the whole film. It’s all shot by a Super 8 with the overall technical skills of two drunk cavemen, so that speaks much for itself. We’re in a basement where a mysterious woman (Jessica Stewarte) in a weird devil mask undresses in front of a sleazy-looking guy, named Doug (Doug Bunston), who says: I want you to have my BABY! My wife and I tried to have a baby, but we could never get one. Now it’s up to you. My true fair love.
And yeah, the acting is as goofy as the dialogues, which already sets the tone of what to expect. What makes this scene icky, for whole other reasons, is that this masked woman was/is a real-life prostitute, and probably did this short appearance just to scramble some quick cash for her next fix. The filmmakers tried to track her down to include her in the 2008 DVD release, but she could not be found. We all wish her the best. Anyway: two minutes in (yes, two minutes) and the film is already an unbelievable wet, bloated brainfart where there’s a lot for the senses to digest. The acting, the editing, the sound mix, the bizarre goofy music, the sheer level of pure and raw amateurishness… It will drain your sanity and good luck getting through the rest without some booze. The masked woman already had his baby, she says. Ah, good news then. And when she hands it over to Doug, the baby appears to be some sort of a monster that bites his hand. This was just a dream, by the way, as Doug wakes up on a couch in his living room.
After the opening credits, with the fugliest fonts ever put on film, we meet Don (Barry J. Gillis) and Fred (Bruce Roach), who pays Doug a visit on a late night. Yep, Don, Fred and Doug. These are the guys we’re supposed to root for. All three reeks of bad vibes a mile away, if the film didn’t smell bad enough already, where the youngest looks like a ticking school shooter while the other two have the charisma of the types of serial killers who would bury their victims in a basement crawlspace. We even have a dude here who pops in at the end (Dr. Lucas) who could be the twin brother of Jeffrey Dahmer. It’s hard to comprehend what’s going on here, but they find a tape recorder in Doug’s freezer and a diary of Aleister Crowley. Don puts his jacket in the freezer because it’s hot, they drink some beer, talking about paintings…
It’s pretty creepy up here. Why don’t you put something on TV, Don says.
On TV we have pornstar Amber Lynn, here dressed in a ridiculously dated outfit as the very least believable news anchor. She cuts in and out during the film to give some vague and unrelated plot details, or whatever, as she clearly reads straight from cue cards. Her background is randomly stacked with some cheap TVs and VCR’s that looks like anything but a news TV studio. Amber Lynn got paid $2500 to be in this, (the whole budget, I’d fairly guess), and spent a quick hour to shoot her few scenes. Director Andrew Jordan was at least clever enough to approach her with a 16mm camera to look more professional. You can’t see much difference though. And the biggest shocker is that she does the best acting here.
We have a random torture scene because the plot suddenly said so. Or maybe because the filmmakers had just seen Guinea Pig: Devil’s Experiment and thought it was cool to just throw in a quick eye-gouging moment. Yes. there’s gore here, but don’t expect much. It’s cheap amateur slop and combined with the blurry image quality, you’ll spot more clearly gory images from a Rorschach test. And there’s also some zombies here, because why not.
Doug finally shows up, so the main plot can go forward. And he’s irritated because Fred and Don didn’t bring any food. He opens the fridge and says after he gives a loud burp:
What the fUUUck? There’s a six day, or a six month old bread in here. Maybe I can make myself some kind of a sandwich. Eh.
They eat some sandwiches, drink beer, burps, farts and have a good time, I assume. And then we have the classic scene where they put a dead bug in Don’s sandwich. There’s also a dog here, who only smells bullshit and clearly doesn’t want to be in the film. Can’t blame him.
Around the 25 minute mark, Doug’s bedridden and pregnant wife, Susan, screams. Yes, she’s pregnant. Forget the masked woman we saw at the beginning. That was just a premonition nightmare. As if the film isn’t already a nightmare. A puppet creature with big sharp teeth crawls out of her stomach. Susan is dead. RIP.
Oh my gOOOd…! SUSAN, Doug yells. Poor Doug. He really must have loved Susan. Because the acting here is just that convincing. We then learn that Susan was a part of a failed impregnate experiment of Dr. Lucas.
After it’s been established that a killer creature now lurks around the house, plus some other ant-like monstrous Things, we cut to a news break where Amber Lynn informs us that the legendary filmmaker George A. Romero is once again taking his copyright case to the Supreme Court of the United States. Because pirates continue to distribute thousands of copies of Night of the Living Dead. OK, good to know. Where’s the weather report? As our three protagonists now have to survive in a cramped basement full of monstrous Things, the guy with the beard, Fred, suddenly vanishes, as if he was cut out of the movie. What the fuck? Where’s Fred?, Don asks. To give some logical explanation, we’re told that (and I’m not making this shit up) he was trapped in a mouse hole (!) that brought him to the third, fourth and fifth dimension. And if I dared to break down more of the “plot“, I’d probably be sucked into a mouse hole myself.
On the surface, Things look like something made by a group of ten-year-olds, just for pure fun and shit’s n’ giggles, as they were only goofing around with a camera with no more thought behind it. The whole film, except the ending, was shot in the basement of Andrew Jordan’s parent’s house in Ontario, Canada. His parents were also confident and wholesome enough to finance the principal shooting and pre-production, which I still guess was $2500 to only afford some quick scenes with Amber Lynn to boost the sales. Because director Andrew Jordan and co-writer/actor Barry J. Gillis had actually some high, grandiose ambitions with Things other than just show it to embarrassed family members and friends on a drunk Friday night. They wanted to distribute it all the way to Canadian Television. Because why not. And I just assume that they also saw the Hollywood signs far in the blurry horizon. The closest the film got to the mainstream was at the video rental shops, where it reached the historic milestone of being the very first film shot on an 8mm to get a VHS distribution in Canada. Andrew Jordan’s parents must have been proud, and cheers for that. Doug Burston’s parents, on the other hand, forced him to get a real job. And they might’ve had a point, considering that he was mostly drunk during filming (wow, what a surprise), and beer was a requirement for him to act in the movie.
The dialogues here is the most bizarre shit I’ve heard in a long, long time:
– They’re eating me! Take me to the hospital! They can rebuild me there! – I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I …! – All I see is blOOOd — and guts! – Ah, the blood is dripping like maple SYRUP! Oh, oh, so much blood! – My dog… my cute little bloody dog! – Listen, ah geeh ah, I’m gonna die! I feel like it, but I’m saved!
While this sounds bad enough on paper, just wait till you hear the delivery. It’s Zombie ’90: Extreme Pestilence level of bad, or maybe even worse. I refuse to believe that even a single line of dialogue was written here, aside from the scenes with Amber Lynn. The dialogues were overdubbed, since the original recording was useless, and Andrew Jordan spent months torturing himself in post-production to polish his masterpiece. He was high on cannabis during the whole process, which surely explains a lot. But even the most expensive sound mixing studio couldn’t save this. He also hated the experience of making the film, which finally begs the big question why he made it in the first place, and on top of that, distribute it on VHS for all to see. The mental state of these guys raises some speculation, because the more you dive into it, the more it sounds like a miracle that this bizarre, inept clownshow was actually completed from start to finish, and released. The entire project sounds more like something Andrew Jordan was forced to make at gunpoint, like some sort of a humiliation ritual. In that case, mission accomplished, as the film has garnered a cult-following over the years, for all the wrong reasons.
Actor and co-writer Barry J. Gillis is still very proud of the film, and said in an interview with Sins of Cinema that he would love to make a sequel to Things, and I’m quoting: only if there is a fan out there with access to an investor with a million or more dollars we could make a great sequel. And he also would love to have Bruce Campbell on board.
… and we can’t wait to see that. Just make sure to have Mike Flanagan as an executive producer so that Neon picks it up for distribution. Things is available on DVD by Severin Films/Intervision, and is also on our favorite streaming site, Tubi.
Director: Andrew Jordan Writers: Barry J. Gillis, Andrew Jordan Country & year: Canada, 1989 Actors: Barry J. Gillis, Amber Lynn, Bruce Roach, Doug Bunston, Jan W. Pachul, Patricia Sadler IMDb: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0183881/
Jesús Casas and Maria are a couple with a newborn son, Cayetano. They’re visiting a furniture store in order to buy a coffee table, where the salesman is offering them an expensive but high quality table which Jesús falls for immediately. Maria hates it on sight, though…and despite the salesman claiming that the glass is unbreakable and really tries his best to sell them the table, Maria still isn’t convinced. Jesús, however, really, really wants this table. He complains to Maria that she has not allowed him to choose anything for their home, so why not let him at least choose this coffee table? Well, he ends up purchasing it. In their apartment, which he inherited from his grandmother, he starts putting the table together. Upon doing so, he notices that a screw is missing, and he asks the salesman for another one. In the meantime, Maria leaves to buy some groceries in preparation for the visit of Jesús’s brother Carlos and his new, very young partner Cristina. And from then on…all hell breaks lose.
The Coffee Table (La mesita del comedor) is a Spanish black comedy horror movie from 2022, directed by Caye Casas and written by Casas and Cristina Borobia.
This movie is a perfect example of getting the best experience if going in totally blind, which was what we did. And oh boy, was it an intense ride! From the very get-go of the movie, you notice how the couple are having so many unresolved issues which cannot be fixed by simply buying a table. Maria is super-annoying and bitchy most of the time, while Jesús seems to have lost his spine a long time ago (and I would’ve said balls as well, but they just got a kid). You know it’s going to build up to something just based on the tension between the characters alone, but if you haven’t read any descriptions or a synopsis of the movie the experience will definitely be slapping you a lot more.
So…yeah. That’s pretty much how far I’m willing to go because I really don’t want to spoil anything. The Coffee Table is a pitch-black dark comedy horror movie which is best viewed when going in blind. If you want something dark and bleak which manages to be uncomfortably funny at times, go watch it and have a fun (or not so fun) time!
Directors: Caye Casas Writers: Cristina Borobia, Caye Casas Country & year: Spain, 2022 Original title: La mesita del comedor Actors: David Pareja, Estefanía de los Santos, Josep Maria Riera, Claudia Riera, Eduardo Antuña, Gala Flores, Cristina Dilla, Itziar Castro, Damià Fustagueras Petit IMDb: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt21874760/
In a remote little French town located somewhere in the mountains, there have been a series of children’s disappearance cases. An old legend from the area, about a malevolent creature referred to as the “Soul Eater“, is resurfacing when the town also gets plagued by several violent and gruesome deaths which apparently defy explanation. Franck de Roland, captain in the national gendarmerie, comes to investigate the missing children’s cases, and ends up together with police superior Elizabeth Guardiano who is investigation some of the recent murders. They do not get together all that well at first, but once it becomes obvious that both the murders and the missing children cases are in some way linked together, they need to cooperate.
The Soul Eater (Le Mangeur d’Âmes) is a French horror thriller from 2024, directed by Alexandre Bustillo and Julien Maury, known for their impressive debut Inside (2007) and other movies like Livide (2011) and The Deep House (2021). The movie is based on a novel from 2021, called “Le Mangeur d’âmes“ by Alexis Laipsker. The French duo have undoubtedly made a mixed bag of entries in the horror genre, where they started off with a solid debut but have also had some releases which didn’t hold up as strongly (like the Leatherface movie from 2017). This movie is a bit different from any of their previous entries as it’s more a standard thriller than a horror movie, despite the trailer more or less leading you on to suspect some kind of supernatural flick.
On surface level The Soul Eater doesn’t offer something especially unique or truly unsettling, but the setup is quite good and the sleepy little mountain town works well for establishing the right tone. It’s a place where you can easily imagine the people creating their own folklore and myths, surrounded by mountains and endless forests. The isolated location makes for some decent scenery as well, and you get a believable feeling of how this town has kept to themselves without much intervention from outsiders. And it’s in places like those that all kinds of bad shit can start to happen, of course. Like any decent mystery thriller, the secrets are unfolding gradually, and while it did have a few pacing issues towards the latter part, I never found myself bored.
Some may have hoped that Bustillo and Maury would get back into their old tracks with this new release, and thus it may come as a bit of a letdown that this is more a crime thriller than outright horror. It’s pretty fine for what it is, though, and it does have a creepy build-up regarding the mystery and a nice setting. Overall TheSoul Eater is a pretty good murder mystery thriller, and while it’s not having very strong horror elements it stands as a decent release from the French duo. It still seems like we’re a long way from expecting another move in the same vein as Inside from them, though…
Directors: Alexandre Bustillo, Julien Maury Writers: Annelyse Batrel, Ludovic Lefebvre Country & year: France/Belgium, 2024 Original title: Le mangeur d’âmes Actors: Virginie Ledoyen, Paul Hamy, Sandrine Bonnaire, Francis Renaud, Malik Zidi, Cameron Bain, Lya Oussadit-Lessert, Chloé Coulloud IMDb: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt28821588/
Margot was abandoned as a baby outside a hospital, and the only thing she knows is that her mother came from an Amish family living at the Beiler Farm. She decides to make a documentary about her past, and brings with her some friends: Chris, the cameraman, and Dale, the soundman. They meet up with her blood relative Samuel, who leads them to the place where Margot’s mother came from. There they meet Jacob, the patriarch of the commune and also Margot’s grandfather. They’re welcomed, and soon strange events start happening. Margot gets some cryptic signs indicating that her mother, Sarah, is still alive and at the location somewhere. They also find a small church that is locked up, and they’re told they’re not allowed to enter. As more and more red warning signs start blinking, things have already gone too far before they realize that they’re all in danger at the isolated Amish farm.
