so bad it’s good – Horror Ghouls

Eegah (1962)

Posted on May 8, 2026May 8, 2026 by HorrorGhouls

Eegah! The Crazed Love Of a Prehistoric Giant For a Ravishing Teen-Aged Girl! (Played by a woman in her late 30s) Eegah Had Never Seen a Girl, Until One Fell Into His Arms. Boy Fights Giant For Girl! Eeeeegahhh!

Yep, this is the retarded drunk clown show where Jaws himself from James Bond (Richard Kiel) plays a not-so-convincing prehistoric caveman with the cleanest skin and fakest beard, and lives on sulphur water. Then you have the incompetent sound guy who forgot to push the record button during most of the filming, later fixed with bad dubbing. Classic. Add some cringe and desperate nepotism to eleven where the director had some big hopes to plant his son as the new Elvis Presley. And according to the film’s poster: Desert dune buggy first time on screen! This film has it all.

So, this Eegah-guy (his name never gets mentioned, by the way) is wandering one night on some road not so far from the Californian desert with his club where he almost gets run over by Roxy. While Eegah looks like someone doing a Flintstones cosplay, the same could be said about Roxy, who looks more like Betty, as she wears a cute blue dress, and even talking like a low-IQ Hanna-Barbera character. After she faints of shock, Eegah heads back to the desert. Her boyfriend, Tom, suddenly shows up and takes her back to her dad. She tries to convince her dad, Robert (played by the director himself, Arch Hall Sr.) and Tom that she just saw a giant. And guess what — dad believes her, because according to the Book of Genesis, the giants once walked the Earth. Amen and God bless. Her boyfriend isn’t so sure, though. Here you have some of the dialogues between Roxy and Tom. Roll the clip:

Roxy: My dad still doesn’t believe! (Uhm, ok?)
Tom: Suuure he does.
Roxy: And neither do YOU!
Tom: I swear on my Elvis Presley LP. How big did you say he was?
Roxy: Oh, bigger than anybody YOU ever saw!
Tom: I bet you were scared, huh?
Roxy: A little. But I had the funniest feeling that he wouldn’t hurt me.

Next morning Betty, I mean Roxy, shows her dad the spot where she saw the giant. Watch out for snakes! Holy COW, he was standing right here WATCHING us, Tom says. Then he took off for Shadow Mountains. While Roxy’s dad flies to the mountains in a helicopter to search for this giant, our love couple spends some quality time by the pool. Here we get our first song number (of three) from Tom where he sings the love ballad of Vicky to Roxy while she has a little swim:

♫ ♪ I LoOOove You Vicky, Yoouu Know I DoOOo, Vicky Oh Viickyy ♪ …

My heart just melts. The random singing doesn’t come from nowhere though. Tom is played by Arch Hall Jr, the son of the director, who, as mentioned, had big plans to make him the new Elvis. He thought it was a good idea to utilize several parts of the film to showcase his talent, where he has more of the charisma as an average roadhouse singer while the songs are mixed with some laughable bad lip-sync. Hall Sr tried for the last time to put him that same year in the comedy/romance Wild Guitar. Didn’t go so well. Junior retired from showbiz in 1965 and was never keen on talking about his short-lived acting career ever again. Who can blame him.

Anyway… When Roxy’s dad goes radio silence, her and Tom goes out to the desert in a buggy where Roxy gets kidnapped by Eegah (no shit) and taken to his cave where she gets reunited with her dad. The cave entrance is, of course, filmed at the iconic Bronson Caves, which was also used in Robot Monster (1954) and numerous other movies and TV shows. The exteriors of Eegah’s cave looks as fake as you can imagine. It’s now up to Barney, I mean Tom, to save his girlfriend Betty, I mean Roxy, and her dad.

Some highlights:

— When Tom and Roxy are buggy-cruising through the desert while Roxy shouts Weee!, like Lucas the Spider.

— When Roxy shaves Eegah’s fake beard. Yes, really.

— When Eegah then eats some of the shaving cream. Comedy gold!

— When Eegah introduces Roxy to his dead, mummified family in the corner of his cave. Here it gets a little creepy.

— All of the Eegah’s mumbling dubbed “dialogue“.

— The fight scenes where Eegah bitch-slaps like a real caveman instead of using his club.

— When Eegah crashes a party and does everything he can to not destroy a single valuable thing with his big club, since there wasn’t any budget for expendable set pieces. The one and only thing he destroys during the entire film is a door.

— The whole movie.

Eegah is on the public domain and easy to find. Yabba Dabba Cheese!

Director: Arch Hall Sr.
Writers: Bob Wehling, Arch Hall Sr.
Country & year: USA, 1962
Actors: Arch Hall Jr., Marilyn Manning, Richard Kiel, Arch Hall Sr., Clay Stearns, Bob Davis, Deke Richards, Ron Shane, Addalyn Pollitt
IMDb: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0055946/

The Mummy Theme Park (2000)

Posted on April 17, 2026 by HorrorGhouls

It’s been a while since the last amateur show, but here we have the forgotten and buried gem that is The Mummy Theme Park from the year 2000. And no, this is actually not a mockbuster version from The Asylum of the highly successful film with Brendan Fraser that came the year before. This is…uhm, well, something else.

Picture a superhigh ambitious Hollywood studio-level concept with none to zero resources, budget or talent, cast a bunch of first (and last-time) amateur actors, and just make it anyway, in the most borderline stubborn and deluded fashion imaginable. There you basically have The Mummy Theme Park in a nutshell, and one of those fascinating cinematic trainwrecks you have to see with your own eyes to believe.

And speaking of being ambitious: We’re in modern-day Egypt where the goofy businessman Sheik El Sahid has some big plans to open, which the title says, a theme park, something in the style of Jurassic Park and Westworld. Because here’s the thing: A Cleopatra named Nekhebet, has managed to open an enormous, ancient necropolis tomb with the help of an earthquake caused by the Egyptian gods Osiris and Ra. Cool. And Sheik El Sahid smells big business for a tourist attraction. Who wouldn’t. But those with an actual sense of smell will only smell the strong reek of cheese, plain and simple. I mean, bruh, just look at it. It’s not as bad as the Willy Wonka Experience, but still. I think visiting Disneyland would be a better idea. If you happen to be around the Paris area and survived the catacombs, make sure to swing by Parc Astérix, where you can ride the god of Osiris’ roller coaster itself. Been there twice. Awesome stuff.

Where was I… oh yeah, The Mummy Theme Park. Daniel, a model photographer and his blonde bimbo assistant Julie, gets invited to an exclusive before-the-opening tour of the fresh park by Sheik El Sahid himself. A miniature train guides them through the underground caverns on a model railroad where every scene looks more fake than the other. Plastic human skeletons are placed around the tunnels while we see workers as the train passes them by from a green screen. Epic stuff. The only thing missing is some adventurous score by John Williams. And then we, of course, have the Egyptian mummies themselves, which are controlled by microchips. Of course. What can possibly go wrong. One of the mummies suddenly pops up from nowhere in Sheik El Sahid’s palace, kills several guards while Julia enjoys her bubble bath and the Sheik himself never seem to get some intimate privacy with his harem of four or five wives.

It’s easy to look at this and assume that the film was just made for the shits n’ giggles by a group of drunk film school students… but when you have a director who looks like an average university professor, the kind of individual who just wouldn’t even be dreaming of wasting his time on watching a minute of these kinds of retarded, juvenile trash cinema, you can’t be too sure. The mastermind behind The Mummy Theme Park is Alvaro Passeri, an Italian special effects artist who’s worked in the movie biz since 1979. There isn’t much info to dig up about this signore other than he has directed five obscure horror schlocks during the 1990s and early 2000s, and has a YouTube channel where he showcases his special effects work which is way more impressive than his filmmaking skills.

Trying to describe Mummy Park is like remembering an obscure fever dream you had after a long night of binge-drinking. There is the one absurd scene and moment after another with not much time to even process what you just saw on the screen. Yes, it’s one of those movies. The fugly visuals are the most striking here, where you have sets mixed with miniatures and small cute dollhouse furniture placed in the foreground and middle to make the exteriors of Sheik’s palace appear bigger than it is. It looks even more fake when the actors have to be close to the wall because of the limitations of movie magic. That being said, and despite all the cheap cardboard-looking props, I have to give Al Passeri some credit for at least trying rather than just take the quick Ed Wood solution by filling the backgrounds with big curtains and call it a day.

The retarded acting, the overly bright fake cheesy costumes, the overall bizarre fuzzy atmosphere, the look of it all is just the tip of the iceberg here, or the tip of the pyramid, if you will. I could sit here and pick apart the film down to five thousand pieces, but I won’t spoil the fun. Words wouldn’t make it justice anyway. The film was recently discovered in Germany after being a part of the SchleFaZ (shortened from “the worst movies of all time“) series and streamed on RTL+ in September 2025. Better late than never. It’s also on several streaming sites, none of which is, of course, available for us in Norway, but you can find it in 4K on YouTube.

Director: Alvaro Passeri
Writers: Alvaro Passeri, Antony Pedicini
Country & year: Italy, 2000
Actors: Adam O’Neil, Holly Laningham, Cyrus Elias, Helen Preest, Peter Boom, Paola Real, John Gayford, Clive Riche, Mark Anazald
IMDb: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0391355/

Paganini Horror (1988)

Posted on October 15, 2025October 15, 2025 by HorrorGhouls

The year was somewhere in the late 1980s where the exciting news had spread in Italy that none other than Klaus Kinski was writing, directing and playing the main role in an upcoming biopic of the legendary violinist Niccolò Paganini. Since Klaus Kinski was still a crowd magnet, director Luigi Cozzi, expected Kinski’s film to be such a hit that a horror film based on Paganini could piggyback on its success. Instead, we have a nonsensical and laughable shiny turd of an amateur hour spectacle that could easily have been sharted out by Claudio Fragasso in a short week. Not that Kinski Paganini was a much better film, but that’s a whole other story, in a different genre.

Paganini Horror starts in the city of Venice with a girl who plays her violin through “The Witches Dance“ from a rare sheet of paper. These notes are of course cursed that makes the girl become possessed, then goes into the bathroom where her mother is taking a bath to drop a hair dryer in her water. FZZZZZZT, FZZZZZZT, added with some old-school cheesy hand-drawn electric effects.

Then we jump to our group of protagonists, an all-female rock n’ roll band (except for the drummer) who’s in the studio and recording. And no, the singer is not Peter Burns. The producer isn’t much impressed as she calls it the same old stuff and nothing original. She wants them to make something mind-blowing and sensational. Well, we’re still in the good ole’ 1980s, so that shouldn’t be that hard. The drummer, Daniel, then meets a mysterious man named Mr. Pinkett to exchange a black suitcase that holds the sheet of notes for… Paganini Horror! The combination of the suitcase is of course six, six…six. OoOoh… This Pinkett guy is played by Donald Pleasance where it’s hard to tell whether he’s completely buzzed-out or high as a kite.

Daniel plays the tune on a piano. The producer is finally impressed even though it fits way more in an Elton John ballad. Daniel says that the unpublished notes were written by Niccolo Paganini. Do you mean Paganini, the famous Italian violinist?, she ask like a braindead imbecile. No, Eilerti Paganini Pilarmi, who else? So let’s rock! The legend says that Paganini used these magical notes in a secret ritual while he sold his soul to the devil in exchange for fame and wealth. According to the real legend, Paganini did sell his soul to Dr. Satan but for talent and not for fame and wealth. Maybe not the best choice as he died piss-poor at age 57. Anyway, a light bulb flicks over their airheads as they believe that these tunes can bring the same success to them. The mind-numbingly bad acting as they look as excited and enthusiastic as some broken NPCs mixed with the stiff dubbing, is enough to give this extra cheese-filled spaghetti clown show a watch. And it gets better/worse.

Our girl band rents a remote castle to shoot a horror-themed music video. Meanwhile, we see this Pinkett guy throwing all the money from a tower while he’s mumbling

go, go, go, go all you little demons. Little demons. Yes, fly away, little demons, so that the real ones can take your place, so that what happened to Paganini will repeat itself this time as well. Let the price for fame be extracted by the one to whom it belongs, his majesty, Satan.

OK. So, uhm, the ghost of Paganini rises from the grave, I guess, to stalk and kill our female rockers one by one with a dagger that sticks out from the bottom of his small violin. Here he’s dressed more like a cheap cosplay version of the phantom of the opera, and is not even close to the awesome-looking ghoulish skeleton we see in the poster. There’s full-on nonsensical dream logic from here on where people randomly fall through green neon-lighted sinkholes, and…well, as we say in showbiz: The show must go on. Don’t have a script, you say? Then improvise! What follows is more retarded acting, cheap effects, cheaper costumes, baffling dialogue delivery and so on. You know the drill..

But to be fair though, the director Luigi Cozzi is not all to blame here. Cozzi was in constant fights with producer Fabrizio De Angelis, who always demanded Cozzi to cut as many gory scenes from the script as possible. Which is pretty odd considering that Fabrizio was also producer on the goriest films of Lucio Fulci throughout the 1980s. It sounded more like pure sabotage when Cozzi got this demand just a few days before the shooting started. He also planned an eight-minute long sequence with scenes of planets, galaxies and parallel dimensions that were supposed to give the movie a stronger “science fiction touch“. Paganini in space? Yeah, why not. This animated short film from Gobelins isn’t that far from the idea.

Cozzi picked the script apart until it was nothing more left to shoot, and most of the script had to be rewritten. Daria Nicolodi (the fresh ex-girlfriend of Dario Argento) then came into the picture to help him with the rewrite, and the next is Italian Trash Cinema history. Nicolodi also plays one of the main characters and she looks as brainfarted as the rest. If the original script and the overall technical aspects would be much better if hadn’t it been for the iron fist of De Angelis, we’ll never know. But if the acting was still as amateurish as in the version that got made, I hardly think so. Some fewer laughs, maybe.

Director: Luigi Cozzi
Writers: Luigi Cozzi, Daria Nicolodi, Raimondo Del Balzo
Country & year: Italy, 1988
Actors: Daria Nicolodi, Jasmine Maimone, Pascal Persiano, Maria Cristina Mastrangeli, Michel Klippstein, Pietro Genuardi, Luana Ravegnini, Roberto Giannini, Donald Pleasence
IMDb: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0095812/

The Antichrist (1974)

Posted on October 14, 2025 by HorrorGhouls

Ippolita is a young woman who has been paraplegic since a car accident when she was 12. The accident killed her mother, and left her broken in more ways than one. The doctors have diagnosed her paralysis as purely psychosomatic due to mental trauma rather than any physical issues. She’s also gotten very reliant on her father, the wealthy Rome aristocrat Massimo, and more or less craving his attention nonstop. Her attachment issues skyrockets when she finds out that Massimo has gotten romantically involved with a woman named Greta.

Ippolita, wanting more of her own life and especially to get rid of her paralysis, eventually reaches out to her uncle who is a Vatican cardinal. He only recommends her to get in contact with a parapsychologist named Marcello Sinibaldi, who uses hypnosis on her because he believes that she’s having unconscious memories of her past lives. One of these past lives is none other than a witch (well, of course!) who entered a covenant with Satan and was burned at the stake. Ippolita is possessed by her ancestor’s spirit, and even regains her ability to walk, which she does only under a dissociated state. During this state she ends up killing a tourist after seducing him in her own witchy way. Then things only escalate, where Ippolita becomes fully possessed and lets everyone know that she’s learned a few bad words like “cock“ and “whore“. Especially cock, which seems to be her new favorite word. Ippolita is now ready to let her witchy, demonic side out in full. Mamma Mia! Time to call the exorcist!

The Antichrist (original title: L´anticristo), also being released under the title The Tempter, is a supernatural horror film from 1974, directed by Alberto De Martino and co-written with Gianfranco Clerici and Vincenzo Mannino. Yet another cash-in on the success of The Exorcist (1973), but despite all the cheese and nonsense in this film I don’t think anyone can beat The Turkish Exorcist, Seytan. Its place as number-one in the most baffling and hilarious exorcist ripoffs remains unsurpassed.

While this film is another blatant The Exorcist ripoff, it is on a completely other level than the aforementioned Seytan. The Antichrist actually harbors some qualities, especially in the visual department. Joe D’Amato worked as director of photography on this film, under his real name Aristide Massaccessi. This easily explains why the movie feels fairly competent visually, and combined with a score composed by Ennio Morricone and Bruno Nicolai, there are actually some scenes which manage to deliver some decent atmosphere. It doesn’t take long until it stumbles between each of those, however, as the pacing is quite off at times and the special effects are mostly goofy. Ippolita’s character isn’t exactly the most sympathetic to begin with, but her change into a murderous, horny, foul-mouthed witch becomes more ludicrous than shocking. Hearing an adult woman say cock will never pack the same punch as hearing a 12-year old say your mother sucks cocks in hell.

There are some scenes that goes straight into wtf-land with some surreal fantasy-dream-nightmare visuals, and of course we get a rather lengthy Satanic orgy in Satan’s garden in Hell (or wherever it’s supposed to be). With all that talk of cock it was about time she finally got some. Despite some good things, the film is struggling with the pacing issues and some rather laughable scenes which are actually supposed to be scary. Or at least I think so. We have a disembodied flying hand that chokes a guy, a hilarious levitation scene, and so many other things which I suppose are supposed to be horror elements, but just makes you chuckle instead. It’s a totally confused mixture of witchcraft, satanism, possession, sleaze, and goofy effects. But is it still entertaining? Hell, yes!

Overall, The Antichrist is a movie that can be a fun watch if you want to see a sleaze ‘n cheese ripoff of The Exorcist. If you’re in for a challenge: take it as a double-feature with The Turkish Exorcist, Seytan!

Fun Fact: Carla Gravina, who plays the role as Ippolita, revealed that she had some trouble playing the role and would never accept anything similar ever again. After starting the shooting of the film, she said she started to feel some kind of strange disease coming on, which she described as differing between an intense cold, feeling dizzy, getting a feeling of emptiness, headaches, lack of appetite, and so on. Doctors diagnosed that it was most likely due to overwork and “curious psychic influences“…

Director: Alberto De Martino
Writers: Gianfranco Clerici, Alberto De Martino, Vincenzo Mannino
Original title: L’anticristo
Also known as: The Tempter
Country & year: Italy, 1974
Actors: Carla Gravina, Mel Ferrer, Arthur Kennedy, George Coulouris, Alida Valli, Mario Scaccia, Umberto Orsini, Anita Strindberg, Remo Girone, Ernesto Colli
IMDb: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0071150/

Reptilicus (1961)

Posted on October 8, 2025 by HorrorGhouls

Monster schlock madness from Denmark. We’re of course talking about the one and only… REPTILICUS! Be afraid. Be very afraid! This is also known for being the one and (for the time being) only sea monster flick that was made, not only in Denmark, but in Scandinavia. And if the poster itself wasn’t enough to set the tone right away, then let’s just say that this is the type of film that Ed Wood would have made, if he hadn’t become best friends with Jack Daniels and Martini Rosso.

How to even start with this absurd, mental clownshow … yes, it’s one of those. Well, it’s important to know that the film was simultaneously made in two versions, in Danish and in English for American audiences. Poul Bang directed the Danish version while the American version was done by Sidney W. Pink. The shooting was as simple as right after Poul Bang shot his scene, Sidney Pink took over and shot his scene for the American version. And of course, not all the Danish actors could speak English very well, so some dubbing had to be added. Why they just didn’t dub the whole thing from the Danish version to both save a lot of time and money, god knows.

The Danish version was released in Denmark by Saga Studios in 1961, and the English-speaking version was released in the US by American International Pictures in 1963. And yes, both versions exists.

Reptilicus starts somewhere in the forest of Lapland where a group of oil-drilling miners digs up a mysterious tail from a prehistoric monster that has been frozen for thousands of years. C o o l. After it is transported to Denmark’s Aquarium in Copenhagen, it soon looks like the tail is actually in the process of regenerating itself into a brand-new animal. Or maybe a… monster! And then there’s this mentally-challenged caretaker, whom I’ll come back to. The whole crew at the aquarium goes for a cabin trip, while we spend some time with General Greyson at the famous Tivoli Gardens. Here we have a song number by none other than the famous Danish Eurovision representative Birthe Wilke who sings her song Tivoli Nights. What a cute Ad for tourism, nevertheless. Tivoli Gardens is still spinning, by the way, which is actually the second-oldest operating amusement park in the world. Anyway: In the meantime, the monster escapes the aquarium and roams into the countryside of Denmark, where he kills cows and ruins a family dinner. Kors i røven!

What we have next is basically the whole Danish military force assembled to track down the monster with tanks, missiles, flamethrowers and all the firearms they could get their hands on. Yes, this shit gets real. When Reptilicus enters Copenhagen we see a handful of extras who jog with their hands in the pockets through the streets in full “panic-mode“ as they’re smiling and giggling, and just being thrilled about having their fifteen-minutes-of-fame moment in a motion picture. General Greyson, on the other hand, is certainly not smiling as he’s sweating like a pig. The chief of the aquarium has two mild heart attacks. So no, this is no laughing matter.

Then we have the monster itself, which is exactly what you imagined: an e-grade Ray Harryhausen funny-looking puppet on strings who destroys miniature buildings of Copenhagen. And the reveal of Reptilicus is just, like Martin Scorsese would have said, absolute cinema!

As earlier said, the film was shot in two versions. But things were drastically changed after the Danish version had its first screening in its home country, where the film was just laughed at and got bad reviews. Well, what a surprise. The American distributors got very cold feet, looked at each other and said: We can’t release this shit. Look at it! So they brought Reptilicus back to the editing room where they removed several scenes, some of which where Reptilicus flying over a not-so-convincing silhouette over Copenhagen. Nothing looks convincing here though. And to make the monster look more threatening, some special effects were added, such as making the monster spit out green goo. And I honestly don’t know how to describe it. Just see for yourself.

Some quick scenes were added where we see Reptilicus “eating“ some of his victims, which looks like it was directed by Terry Gilliam while he was having a stroke. Other scenes were cut out in the American version, such as a completely random scene where the mentally challenged caretaker is suddenly in a park, surrounded by a group of children and sings a song about Reptilicus. This guy is played by Dirch Passer, who was a big comedian in Denmark and an institutionalized figure at Saga Studios. So, of course, he had to be in Reptilicus, where he mostly makes funny faces and gets himself electrocuted after goofing around with an eel. The American version is also more fast-paced with less talk and more campy action, or in other words, more retarded B to Z-movie goodness.

So yeah, they pulled a Shelby Oaks here, only in this case these changes was done without Sidney Pink’s knowledge. And that made him pissed. So pissed in fact that his last name was changed to Red. But somehow they made the film worse and better at the same time. And this also seems to be the case with the upcoming Kraken (the first sea monster film from our home country Norway) which has been abruptly delayed to next year, by some very suspicious hush-hush reasons. So we just have to wait and see what that’s about and if Denmark will have the last laugh.

And there you have Reptilicus, the first and only sea monster spectacle from little Denmark. A must-see for fans or pure old-school schlock. Also lighthearted enough to work fine for the whole family. It’s available in 4K Ultra HD by Vinegar Syndrome where you get both versions and a cool poster.

Directors: Poul Bang, Sidney W. Pink
Writers: Sidney W. Pink, Ib Melchior
Country & year: Denmark, 1961
Actors: Bent Mejding, Asbjørn Andersen, Povl Wøldike, Ann Smyrner, Mimi Heinrich, Dirch Passer, Marlies Behrens, Carl Ottosen, Ole Wisborg, Birthe Wilke, Mogens Brandt, Kjeld Petersen
IMDb: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0056405/

Aquanoids (2003)

Posted on July 29, 2025July 29, 2025 by HorrorGhouls

Aquanoids, or Aquanooooids, like Johnny Depp would have said it, is a silly Z-grade amateur-hour creature/feature flick where we have a sea monster that looks more like a rejected, drunk band member of Gwar who’d fallen into the ocean, and just decided to stay in the water and kill everyone who comes near him.

The film starts in the year 1987 in Santa Clara Island, California, where a couple is having a swim. Guess what happens. They get dragged down the water and killed by an unseen monster as a random guy is watching the “traumatic“ incident through his binoculars. And, of course, this random guy will be important later. Much later. Sixteen years later, to be precise, in the present day (2003) where a coastal town in sunny California is celebrating the 4th of July. God bless America. As the town is in full festive mode, the young girl-next-door, Vanessa, actually has far more important things to do. Because she’s an environmentalist, you see, and would rather spend her time to save our green planet by diving into the ocean to pick up trash. Greta Thunberg would be impressed. As she gathers her good karma points, she gets a glimpse of our sea-creature. Ooh, scary. She hops on a water scooter and heads straight to the town’s mayor, Frank Walsh, to beg him to close down the beaches. Because the aquanoids are back, she says, despite we’ve only seen one. Dream on, honey. Haven’t you seen Jaws, or if you dig a little deeper, Humanoids From the Deep? Here we also meet Clifton Jefferson, a mafia-looking guy who does some dirty work for Mayor Walsh, and who also looks like a Joe Pesci cosplay from Goodfellas. And if Mayor Walsh talked like Kermit the frog, I wouldn’t doubt for a second that he was played by Jordan Peterson.

Anyway, as Mayor Walsh won’t do shit because he’s exactly what he looks like: a super-shady bad guy, Vanessa and her roommate are handing out warning papers while they shout dangerous waters! dangerous waters! No one believes them though. The only one who does is Ronald Jackson, the random guy we saw at the beginning. And no, he’s not played by Eric Roberts. He’s the one and only witness of the aquanoid that killed 17 people back in 1987, and is just seen as the town’s crazy person. He now spends most of the time at the local bar being a traumatized alcoholic, and just wants to be left alone. The news and rumors of the aquanoids start to spread, and suddenly the local Hard Boiled News (yes, really) pops up to have a quick chat with none other than Jackson. Poor guy doesn’t get a break. Mayor Walsh and Joe Pesci, sorry, Jefferson, don’t like that the rumors of the aquanoids are spreading to the public, and that’s for more than one reason. The “plot“ here is thrown all over the place, and there’s just too much to spoil (or maybe not), but let’s just say that you’ll be more shocked than anything by how corrupt this Mayor is. And I also bet that he’s on a certain client list.

Aquanoids is directed by Reinhart ‘Rayteam’ Peschke. Rayteam who? He worked primarily in the Camera and Electrical Department on films such as Volcano (1997), The Usual Suspects (1995), and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993) With Aquanoids, you’d get the impression that Rayteam one day went through some of his old and forgotten childhood stuff in the attic, found some tapes of a home-made horror movie he made with some friends, neighbors and uncles during some summers in his early teens, and said to himself: I want to release this hidden gem on DVD. This is also the one and only film he directed.

The title, screenshots and the trailer speak more or less for themselves. If you’re familiar with these kinds of retarded, zero-budget home-made turd movies, you know what you’re gonna get. It’s amateur-hour from start to end (with a short and welcoming runtime of 1 hour and 13 minutes) with a dumb plot, bad acting, absurd dialogue, cheesy music, a series of WTF-moments, an unexpected and “shocking“ twist, and of course some cheap gore.

The highlight of Aquanoids is actually not the monster itself, which we barely get a clear glimpse of, but our two goofy antagonists, Mayor Walsh and Jefferson, as these two actors try very hard to act dead seriously. If Walsh looks somewhat familiar aside from Jordan Peterson, he’s the guy who had the deadly handshake with the Joker in his most-known-for-movie on IMDb, Batman (1989). And I’m not surprised if the one who looks like Joe Pesci has auditioned for all the Martin Scorsese films, and in his all-boiled-up frustration tricks people into believing that his most-known-for-movie, Aquanoids, is actually an alternative title for Jaws. And enough schadenfreude for today.

Director: Reinhart Peschke
Writers: Mark J. Gordon, Eric Spudic
Country & year: USA, 2003
Actors: Laura Nativo, Rhoda Jordan, Edwin Craig, Ike Gingrich, Laurence Hobbs, Suzan Spann, Robert Kimmel, Christopher Irwin, David Clark, Doug Martin
IMDb: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0338726/

Sharktopus (2010)

Posted on July 22, 2025July 22, 2025 by HorrorGhouls

Nathan Sands is a geneticist (or just a mad scientist, if you will) who has been hired by the U.S. Navy to create a new weapon. Together with his daughter Nicole, they have created a large intelligent shark with the tentacles of an octopus, because that sounds like an excellent idea where nothing can go wrong. A sharktopus, in other words, but for some reason they have decided to simply call it S-11. They control the creature by using a device on its head, which gives electromagnetic pulses. Because an attachment to such a creature’s head which is the entire means of control over it sounds like the greatest idea ever, right? Well, as can easily be imagined, the S-11 gets rid of the annoying device, and swims along to Mexican waters to create some mayhem and perhaps enjoy some human burritos. Sands and Nicole must find someone that can help them capture the monster, and meets up with a cocky dude named Andy Flynn who is apparently the most suited for the job. The catch is: the monster must be captured alive. Easier said than done! As Nicole and Andy tries to follow its tracks, a pesky news reporter called Stacy Everheart and her henpecked cameraman Bones starts pursuing the story of the year.

Sharktopus is a SyFy horror film produced by Roger Corman and directed by Declan O´Brien, which later sparked a franchise. And ohhh boy, could this one have been a total rotten fish of a stinker if it wasn’t for the obvious tongue-in-cheek approach and the self-awareness displayed here. It’s made as a “so-bad-it’s good“ movie, and that is a much harder achievement than one might initially expect. Few movies that aim for this setup manages to pull it off, but Sharktopus is one of those exceptions. It delivers exactly what it promises, and you’d have to be an idiot if you were to take it seriously for even a split second. It’s yet another movie where I’m glad we have badges instead of ratings here on Horror Ghouls…

The setup is pretty simple: crazy scientist creates monster, monster runs amok, heroes must stop it. The characters are pretty bland, with Eric Roberts as Nathan Sands being the most decent of the bunch. That being said, the over-acting and clunky performances from several of the actors here is what offers some decent laughs, plus the hilarious kill scenes mixed with bad CGI effects. Not to mention campy lines like:

– Oh no, not like this! Arrrgghhhhhh! (while attempting to convince the viewer they have really been caught by those crappy CGI tentacles)
– Damn you Sharktopus!
– You can stop staring at my rack. They’re just boobs. They’re not gonna get up and dance or anything.
– That guy was killed in front of us inches away. Inches away! Gosh. He was kind of a nice guy, you know? Smell a little funky, but he was okay. Now he’s dead.

Yeah…if I haven’t made it pretty clear already, Sharktopus is indeed a horrible movie, but for all the good reasons. It’s a lot of stupid fun, and a nice watch for the shark week!

Also, in 2023 the movie actually had a remake…from China, of all places. And to be honest it looks more like they tried to make a remake of Deep Rising. Currently not available officially anywhere outside of China…but as of now, there’s YouTube…and here’s a link to the trailer.

Director: Declan O’Brien
Writers: Mike MacLean, Stephen Niver
Country & year: USA, 2010
Actors: Eric Roberts, Kerem Bürsin, Sara Malakul Lane, Sara Malakul Lane, Héctor Jiménez, Liv Boughn, Julian Gonzalez Esparza, Blake Lindsey, Peter Nelson, Maija Markula
IMDb: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1619880/

Robowar (1988)

Posted on July 11, 2025August 14, 2025 by HorrorGhouls

This Italian-produced Predator ripoff starts in the midst of a full-blown bulletstorm mayhem in the jungle of the Philippines, and a group of commandos are sent to the green inferno to see what the hell is going on. We meet the four trigger-happy testosterone-filled walking ballsacks with the colorful code names Killzone, Blood, Papa, Diddy Bop and Quiang. And together they make the team called BAM, which stands for (yeah, you already guessed it) Bad Ass Motherfuckers. Can’t get more 1980s than that. They stumble upon fresh-fried corpses as they explore the territories. They rescue a damsel-in-distress from getting chased by a group of horny guerrillas. She is a young, blond nurse who goes by the name… Virgin. Sounds like she’s in the wrong movie, no?

Anyway – As they go deeper in the jungle, things start to smell more cheesy, as they’re getting hunted by an alien-looking killer robot, called ~~Predator~~ Omega One. He’s a high-tech renegade humanoid who shoots the deadliest lasers through an arm cannon and wears a silly costume where a biker helmet was used to give him the flair of RoboCop, another well-known film you’ve maybe heard of. Instead, we have just another thick layer of cheese. Now it starts to smell. And his appearance is as intimidating as…someone who has dressed up to attend a Halloween party at the local gay bar. To build up some suspense and tension, we see from his POV perspective through his lousy, low-pixelated sensor while he mumbles gibberish like a demented Indian scammer on crack cocaine. So, come get some!

Robowar is directed by schlock maestro of Italian Trash Cinema Bruno Mattei (here under his most used pseudonym as Vincent Dawn), written by the couple Rosetta Drudi and Claudio Fragasso. Fragasso also got the honor of playing the RoboPredator, which made him faint two times during the shoot due to the extreme heat. Claudio Fragasso also did the most Claudio Fragasso thing to shoot a random sequence without zero context to the rest of the film. Of course. Robowar was originally meant to just be a Vietnam-war film, inspired by Apocalypse Now (1979), shot in the hot n’ sticky Philippines and all, but when Mattei saw Predator during a lunch break, he did what he usually did: put in elements of said film to cash in on its current success. And we can only imagine what the film would look like if he had also played Contra. That being said, Mattei had already made the war film Commando Strike the year before, also in the Philippines, where I guess the leftovers of ammo, cheese, testosterone and set pieces to blow up were enough to fill Robowar. Mattei also made Commando Strike 2 the same year, aka Trappola diabolica. So yeah, Signor Mattei sure got to make his epic war films, one of which by coincidence became a Predator ripoff, and one of the mockbuster films I bet that The Asylum wish they had made some 30 years ago. And that alone says it all.

Some quoteworthy (white) lines:

– Fuck it, Diddy. Quit moving around like you’re jerking off, you’re making me seasick.

– Why do they have nicknames?
– You should know what the group is called. “BAM”.
– BAM?
– Big Ass Motherfuckers!

– Drug addicts and fags. I bet they got AIDS too, huh, Quang?

– Technology hasn’t got feelings! (I bet that Jason Blum does not agree on that one, bwhahahahaha…!)

Director: Bruno Mattei
Writers: Claudio Fragasso, Rossella Drudi
Original title: Robot da guerra
Country & year: Italy/Philippines, 1988
Actors: Reb Brown, Catherine Hickland, Massimo Vanni, Romano Puppo, Claudio Fragasso, Luciano Pigozzi, Max Laurel, Jim Gaines, John P. Dulaney, Mel Davidson
IMDb: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0096000/

Octaman (1971)

Posted on April 15, 2025April 15, 2025 by HorrorGhouls

Octaman, or Octamaaaan, like Johnny Depp would have said it, is exactly what you think it is – a mutated, cheesy-looking octopus humanoid who shuffles around and kills people, played by a poor actor who can barely see shit through the costume. Yep, it’s one of those films. This is the type of vintage Z movie amateur campy schlockfest that could easily be mistaken for a lost Ed Wood film. And if you get some strong Creature from the Black Lagoon (1954) vibes, you’re not wrong. Octaman is written and directed by Harry Essex, who also was a co-writer of said film.

The plot is something like this: we follow Dr. Torres as he goes on an expedition with a small crew to a primitive Latin fishing community in Mexico to uncover some atomic radiation. And they, of course, encounter Octaman, who’s actually credited in the opening sequence as Octaman, not the actor, just to add some extra flavor of mystique. It worked with Boris Karloff with Frankenstein way back in 1931, but here, though, with the cheesy costume and all that doesn’t even fool a blind person, it’s just comical. Anyway… Octaman starts to stalk and kill people one by one.

Octaman goes pretty fast into the monster action. And I’m using the words “monster action“ very loosely here, because there’s nothing much to get excited about, except for having some laughs at its overall incompetence, as the action has the impact like a pillow fight in your sister’s bedroom. The way Octoman attacks its victims is pure retarded slapstick comedy. He leaves his bodycounts with open wounds and an eye that almost pops out of some poor dude’s skull, yet he only slaps them like a drunk bitch with his overlong rubber suit tentacles as he also struggles to not lose balance. He’s as intimidating as, well, Octaman. Fun stuff. The monster costume was designed by the one and only Rick Baker, who later became one of the most prominent effect makers in Hollywood. This was his very first gig, and… we all have to start somewhere.

Writer and director: Harry Essex
Country & year: Mexico/USA, 1971
Actors: Pier Angeli, Kerwin Mathews, Jeff Morrow, David Essex, Jerome Guardino, Robert Warner, Norman Fields, Read Morgan
IMDb: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0067515/

Cathy’s Curse (1977)

Posted on April 4, 2025 by HorrorGhouls

– She has the power…to terrorize. And to make us laugh.

This amusing French/Canadian-produced little clown show starts with a father and his daughter, Laura, who learns that the mom has left them and taken Laura’s brother, George, with her. Your mother is a bitch. She’ll pay for what she did to you, says the dad. Oki-doki. As they’re driving through the woods at the night, a white rabbit suddenly crosses the road that makes the dad lose control and crash. Dad and Laura get stuck in the car as it sets on fire where they get burned alive. At least, the rabbit got away unscathed.

Then we jump to present time (1977), where George, who’s now a middle-aged man, his wife Vivian and their young daughter Cathy, are moving into the house we saw in the opening sequence. George hasn’t been in the house since he was four and does his best to act emotional. Vivian has some mental and paranoia issues after she had a nervous breakdown and has some extreme mood-swings. Another one who suffers from sudden mood-swings, plus some late stages of dementia, is the film itself, because nothing here, absolutely nothing makes sense. As Cathy explores the house, she finds herself in the cobweb-filled attic where she picks up a ragdoll with both eyes stitched shut. Cathy then looks at a picture of the ominous girl we see at the movie poster, and Cathy gets possessed. Why? Not even the three screenwriters knows.

The film is all over the place with random stuff that just happens because the messy script just says so. A medium visits Vivian, a woman I almost mistook for Mr. Bean’s girlfriend. She holds an old picture of Vivian’s husband’s father, the guy we saw in the beginning. She sees flashes of the car accident as she talks in a cheesy demonic voice. Nothing here builds up, things happen sporadically just out of the blue. Cathy suddenly has telekinesis Carrie powers so she can make random objects in the house explode. In one scene, Cathy has breakfast, served by a nanny. Cathy throws a bowl to the floor, just randomly, with both hands to demonstrate that the bowl flies across the kitchen. Nanny acts like it was just an accident. After she picks up two pieces of the shattered bowl, she smiles and says: There, it’s all done. Ok, if you say so. I guess the screenwriters thought they did a great job here to not insult the viewers’ intelligence.

Another memorable scene, for all the wrong reasons, is where Cathy starts to teleport herself around the house to scare her mother. She acts way more irritated than scared, because none of the three scriptwriters would even imagine that anyone would shit themselves if they witnessed such a thing. Vivian must have some serious brain damage or some skills in pills, or maybe both. Cathy then makes the whole house shake. This movie is more tone-deaf than Yoko Ono. And, of course, I have to mention the classic scene where Cathy makes an old drunk geezer freeze while he sits by the kitchen table. And while he just sits there, stiff frozen, a snake and some spiders suddenly appear and crawls at him. And we have some stellar dialogues here:

– Old bitch. Fat whore. Fat dried up whore.
– Go on, you filthy female cow. Make us laugh!
– All women are bitches.

The eye-catching poster reminds me of the poster of James Wan’s Insidious. But don’t let that fool you. Cathy’s Curse is not even close. It’s barely close to even being a horror movie. I even doubt that the three screenwriters, that also includes the director, was never under the same roof during the writing process. I’d guess that all three took elements from The Exorcist (1973), Carrie (1976) and The Omen (1976), with the same idea of “children scary“ then tossed it together and maybe just hoped for the best. The messy and incompetent writing is just one thing, we also have some weird music choices, primitive effects (even for a 1970s film) and bizarre editing. In one scene the camera zooms slowly into a door with some ominous music, just randomly. We don’t see much of that door again. The acting goes from wooden to laughably bad. The “big star“ here is the child actress Randi Allen as Cathy. And she’s no Linda Blair, just to make that clear. This is the one and only film she appeared in, and said in an interview once that she only took the role to financially support her single mother. To add some extra quick cash, her brother, Bruce Allen, also had a small role in the film.

Cathy’s Curse is a nonsensical mess that only leaves questions rather than answers, and is as scary as My Little Pony, but the overall inept absurdity makes it a fun watch.

Director: Eddy Matalon
Writers: Alain Sens-Cazenave, Eddy Matalon, Myra Clément
Country & year: Canada, 1977
Actors: Alan Scarfe, Beverly Murray, Randi Allen, Dorothy Davis, Mary Morter, Roy Witham, Bryce Allen, Sonny Forbes, Robert V. Girolami
IMDb: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0075820/