Salem’s Lot (2024)

Salem's LotBen Mears is a writer who has decided to return to his hometown of Jerusalem’s Lot in order to write a book about his childhood. When arriving there, he very quickly meets and befriends a woman named Susan Norton, just so we have established the love interest right away. At the same time, as kid named Mark Petrie must defend himself from the school’s bully, and a newcomer called Straker opens an antique store. This mysterious man, a European, has moved into the Marsten House which has been abandoned for a long time due to a history of murders. We soon learn that Straker is some kind of Renfield, and his vampire master is the Orlok look-alike Kurt Barlow. It doesn’t take long for people to start dying with strange bitemarks on their necks, and the survivors must try and combat the evil that has invaded their hometown.

 

Salem’s Lot is based on a 1975 novel by Stephen King, directed by Gary Dauberman. The novel was previously adapted for television in 1979, a mini series directed by Tobe Hooper (Poltergeist, Texas Chain Saw Massacre). There was also a sequel called A Return to Salem’s Lot which was released in 1987, and even a TV mini series called Salem’s Lot which was released in 2004. They sure have given the novel a lot of adaptions, but none ever got to be shown in the theaters, which includes this 2024 version. This movie also had a fair bit of hiccups during its production, to the point where many suspected the entire film would end up scrapped. In 2023, however, Warner Bros decided to release the film on Max.

 

The film’s reception was not particularly good, and the trailers didn’t exactly promise anything of golden standard either, and this dampened our expectations. Overall, though, we found it to be.. quite decent, actually. There characters are ok, although not portrayed in such an in-depth manner that you could give too much of a shit about any of them. There are some creepy atmospheric scenes and it was able to create enough suspense to keep your interest up. It’s even a bit campy, which shouldn’t come as a surprise in a movie where a 12-year old is running around killing vampires and saving people like he’s some primary school Van Helsing.

 

Overall, Salem’s Lot is pretty fine for what it is, there is some decent atmosphere here and there and Barlow can come off as creepy enough when you don’t get to see him too clearly. Many people prefer Tobe Hooper’s 1979 mini series, and others again prefer the book. Without making any comparisons between neither book nor previous adaptions, this movie works well on its own. You just can’t avoid being left with a feeling that they didn’t really hit the nail on its head compared to what was probably the intended original vision (which had a 3-hour long duration).

 

Salem's Lot Salem's Lot

 

Writer and director: Gary Dauberman
Country & year: USA, 2024
Actors: Lewis Pullman, Makenzie Leigh, Jordan Preston Carter, Alfre Woodard, Bill Camp, John Benjamin Hickey, Nicholas Crovetti, Spencer Treat Clark, Pilou Asbæk, Alexander Ward
IMDb: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt10245072/

 

 

Vanja Ghoul

 

 

 

 

 

Subspecies V: Bloodrise (2023)

Subspecies V: BloodriseHas it gone over two decades already since the last film? Oh, my. As we all know by now, the fifth entry in the Subspecies series was going to be a prequel, which was announced many years before prequels became the new trend we’ve seen in the last few years. Writer and director Ted Nicolaou began to work on the script shortly after the release of Subspecies IV, but then Covid happened…ehr, no, my bad, this was the beginning of the 2000s, so… yeah, what happened and why did it take so long? Budget and resources, they say. OK then. Because we also know that the average Full Moon production, especially after the millennium, seems to have a budget of a salary from a part-time job at Mc Donalds. I’m not trying to be mean here, but if you take a look at some of the twenty releases only from the 2020s alone, how many of them have you seen, except for the modern classic, which is Femalien: Cosmic Crush, of course (s a r c a s m). Obscure means far from bad, but most of them looks like pure junk to porn, where the old Full Moon we loved in the early and mid 90s seems to have lost all of its identity and vanished into a black hole.

 

So, what I interpret as budget and resources in a Full Moon standard must be something like make it look like a 90s Full Moon film. If that’s the case, fair enough. It wasn’t before the first teaser and some still images were uploaded when I began to have some hope. Another concern here was if we got something like we did with the wet fart that was Phantasm V: Ravager (2016) the last film from another beloved horror franchise of five films that took ages to be completed. I can say with a good conscience that Subspecies V: Bloodrise is a masterpiece compared to that film.

 

In the fifth and final entry of the Subspecies saga, we travel way back in the old, ancient Romania with swords, cloth and some horses, where we get the backstory of Radu Vladislas, and how he became the awesome EVIL Radu. The film is viewed from Radu’s perspective with narration from the man himself as we follow his transformation from human to the vampire we know him for.

 

The film starts appropriately enough with a witch giving a quick birth to a son in a cave. You can guess who. Some holy crusaders invade and take the newborn to a church where they dewclaw (ouch) the baby and make sure he grows up to be a fellow holy crusader – which he does. Then we see Radu Vladislas (Anders Hove) for the very first time without makeup, as the holy crusader he’s grown up to be, for now that is. He’s now on the quest for his life; to enter Castle Vladislas, kill his evil vampire king father with the Sword of Laertes, and claim the Bloodstone. The king uses his vampire magic to flee before Radu is able to kill him. Oh well. If this is the same king we saw in the first film, played by Angus Scrimm, I don’t know. I’m a little confused. Anyway – In the castle dungeon, he releases Leena (Denise Duff) a woman in distress, and a young boy, named Stefan. Yes, Radus’s lost brother, who he learns about many full moons later. But, UH-OH, Leena happens to be the vampire queen, shoves her fangs into Radu’s neck, takes the Bloodstone and leaves him like a newborn heroin addict. From here on, Radu’s hazy journey into vampirism begins, as he loses his mind and slowly morphs into the evil, drooling neck-chewer he’s best known for. Ceaușescu, eat your heart out, ’cause Romania will never be safe.

 

And waiting 25 years in order for Full Moon to get their budget and resources in place for the fifth and final chapter of the Subspecies saga was certainly worth the wait. Who would’ve thought. Because this is the best film from Full Moon since … Subspecies IV. What struck me the most, also by only watching the teaser and trailer, was the tasty visuals, which I did not expect in a today’s Full Moon film. Ted Nicolaou, the oldest veteran who’s still working for Charles Band, who also directed all in the series, has been able to keep the style, tone and the vibe with — once again — great use of sets and locations. This one is not shot in Romania, like the others, but in the countryside of Serbia. That could be a concern of its own, but thanks to access to old castles and other historical places to shoot, Nicolaou knows how to take advantage of very little. There’s also a lot of use of natural light here, such as candles and torches where scenes get soaked with atmosphere. From a pure visual standpoint, it reminded me more of Subspecies II and III, where the creative use of light and shadow was a big factor to the distinct gothic look. So yeah, I’m both impressed and surprised by how great the film looks.

 

Then we, of course, have the man, the myth and the legend himself, Anders Hove, once again as Radu. Even though this is a prequel, I can’t deny that the guy has aged perfectly for a role like this, as in his older age he looks like he could’ve been a lost brother of Klaus Kinski. The makeup is top tier, maybe the best in the series, which makes him the creepiest and most demented Radu to witness, as we see stages of his transformation as his looks progress into the monstrous vampire he eventually becomes, inside and out. Anders Hove gives it all, and it’s clear as a full moon that he loves playing the character more than anything which he slips right into as if it was yesterday. Because in his home country of Denmark, he gets reduced to playing tiny roles, such as a tired, old babysitter who just sleeps on a couch, or a grumpy alcoholic sitting in a corner at a bar. The rest of the cast is hit-and-miss with acting that goes from OK to a wooden leg. Kevin Spirtas, who played Mel in II and III, is playing King Vladislas here, and you won’t recognize him. The strongest supporting actor here is Stasa Nikolic, a troubadour who, with her brother, ends up as one of the first victims of Radu. It was sweet to see Denise Duff again, even though it was somewhat odd to see her as a villain. Nostalgia, yes I know, and I don’t mind that.

 

So overall, Subspecies V: Bloodrise adds a nice little backstory to our favorite vampire where you’ll get your dosage of Radu. A satisfying and entertaining conclusion for the core fans of the series, and much better than expected considering where Full Moon has been as a company during the last ten years and so. Because they still can if they really want to.

 

Subspecies V: Bloodrise Subspecies V: Bloodrise Subspecies V: Bloodrise

 

 

Writer and director: Ted Nicolaou
Country & year: USA/Serbia, 2023
Actors: Anders Hove, Denice Duff, Kevin Spirtas, Stasa Nikolic, Yulia Graut, Petar Arsic, Olivera Perunicic, Marko Filipovic, Jakov Marjanovic
IMDb: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt11075540/

 

Prequels:
Subspecies (1991)
Bloodstone: Subspecies II (1993)
Bloodlust: Subspecies III (1994)
Subspecies IV: Bloodstorm (1998)

 

Tom Ghoul

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Subspecies IV: Bloodstorm (1998)

Subspecies IV: BloodstormOnce again, this fourth installment in the Subspecies film series starts where the last one left off. Despite being exposed to the mother sun and getting brutally impaled by falling down the castle walls, Radu (Anders Hove) isn’t dead yet. Of course not. He wakes up while looking like a fried chicken, grabs his Bloodstone before he crawls back into his castle like a hobo. After Mel and Rebecca die in a car crash (RIP), Michelle’s (Denise Duff) body bag gets brought to a clinic somewhere in Bucharest. And the story gets pretty muddy from here on.

 

This clinic is run by Dr. Niculescu (Mihai Dinvale) and he’s as shady as he looks. He has some borderline big, bulgy crazy eyes that would poke straight through your soul, and looks like a pimp version of Frankenstein’s monster with a Duckula haircut. Can’t look more Romanian than that. He can quickly inform his assistant, Ana (Ioana Abur), that this is a vampire when he spots her neck-bite marks. She doesn’t believe him, of course, until she does.

 

In the meantime, we get to see what lieutenant Marin is up to. Yes, he’s still alive as well, despite the fact that he got stabbed to death by Radu in the previous film. Well, whatever. Here he’s confused and lost, pretty much like the script for this movie, and probably asks himself what the hell he’s doing here. He’s also a freshly-bitten vampire who hides and sleeps in the cabinets at work like a relapsed alcoholic. His boss, the big boss, is not happy with him, and makes it clear that he will fire his ass if he doesn’t get his shit together. Poor Marin. He never gets a break, does he. As Marin’s bloodlust starts to rise, he chews on rats and runs to the nearest cemetery to take shelter in one of the tombs. And from here on, we never see or hear from him again. What ever happened to Marin? I want the spin-off.

 

And speaking of spin-offs: here we also meet two new vampires: Ash (Jonathon Morris) and Serena (Floriela Grappini), who you’d maybe recognize from Vampire Journals (1997). Radu does not appear in that film, other than a quick mention. Anyway: They live in a cozy crypt and they both fear Radu. Ash and Serena doesn’t add much to the already messy plot other than some stiff melodrama with Radu. In the meantime, Dr. Niculescu is very keen to track down Radu so he can possess the Bloodstone. Because who would possibly guess in a million moons away that he’s actually a vampire? I’m shocked.

 

Subspecies IV: Bloodstorm is overall a pointless entry in the series, even though I must admit to being a little blinded by the sweet nostalgia. The first three worked well as a trilogy, whereas this one feels very forced and aimless. The dip in quality is apparent, and the moon isn’t as full as it was. The acting is stiff and goofy, even for a Full Moon standard, and as the title suggests, there isn’t much of a bloodstorm here. The film has its moments and tasty leftovers though, and this is far from the worst Full Moon film. It’s still shot in Romania among its gothic, beautiful surroundings, the music is still great, and Anders Hove still rocks your socks off as a menacing Radu. So it has that.

 

Subspecies IV: Bloodstorm Subspecies IV: Bloodstorm Subspecies IV: Bloodstorm

 

 

Writer and director: Ted Nicolaou
Also known as: Subspecies: The Awakening
Country & year: USA/Romania, 1998
Actors: Anders Hove, Denice Duff, Jonathon Morris, Ioana Abur, Mihai Dinvale, Floriela Grappini, Dan Astileanu, Ion Haiduc, Eugenia Bosânceanu, Cristi Rasuceanu
IMDb: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0181315/

 

Prequels:
Subspecies (1991)
Bloodstone: Subspecies II (1993)
Bloodlust: Subspecies III (1994)

Sequel:
Subspecies V: Bloodrise (2023)

 

Tom Ghoul

 

 

 

Bloodlust: Subspecies III (1994)

Bloodlust: Subspecies IIIBloodlust: Subspecies III starts right off where the previous one ended. And now it gets real serious when Radu has taken all control over his dear bride, Michelle. The Stockholm Syndrome (or the Transylvanian Syndrome, if you will) has started to slightly hit while she does her best to maintain the last few fibers she has left of humanity. Michelle’s sister, Becky, is still in Romania trying to save her with the help of Mel.

 

The options start to run out as Radu has joined forces with his mother, still simply called Mummy, and they are actually such a badass duo who can cast their shadow way up to the moon. And no, don’t worry, he won’t do a Bowser and force-marry her up there. With Michelle, they have now isolated themselves behind the tall brick walls of their castle, here with the ext. and int. of the beautiful Corvin Castle. And good luck trying to get in without Simon’s whip.

 

So, what now? Yeah, great question. Now that the police can’t do shit and the options are down to zero, let’s … uhm … call The Expendables.

 

And that’s actually not a joke.

 

And since Sly Stallone wasn’t available, we have Michael Della Femina as none other than the CIA solder Bob. I’m not sure if Bob is meant to be a sort of a comic relief here, but (—MILD SPOILERS AHEAD—) there’s something hilarious about a buff military dude getting whacked down by an old, dusty granny mummy, just like that. Too bad he protected himself with silver bullets instead of garlic bullets. RIP Bob.

 

As Michelle’s lust and need for human blood starts to kick in, Radu has to take her down to the dark alleys of Bucharest to teach her how to hunt for victims. It’s either that or to suffer like a withdrawing heroin addict and die. And Lieutenant Marin is still here, trying to do his job with chasing vampires while trying not to disappoint his big boss. We also have some drama and a tension that boils between Radu and his mum, which also makes this a perfect film to watch on Mother’s Day. The big payoff here is maybe the most epic vampire death captured on celluloid.

 

There isn’t a lot more to say about this one, other than it feels more like an extended version of a missing third act of the previous film. These two were, after all, made back-to-back with much of the same production values, where we have great use of ancient Romanian locations, and overall soaked in thick, delicious gothic atmosphere. Yum! An overall solid entry that wraps it up as a nice little trilogy … until we got a fourth film five years later.

 

Bloodlust: Subspecies III Bloodlust: Subspecies III Bloodlust: Subspecies III

 

 

Writer and director: Ted Nicolaou
Country & year: Romania/USA, 1994
Actors: Anders Hove, Denice Duff, Kevin Spirtas, Melanie Shatner, Michael Denish, Pamela Gordon, Ion Haiduc, Michael Della Femina
IMDb: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0109302/

 

Prequels:
Subspecies (1991)
Bloodstone: Subspecies II (1993)

Sequels:
Subspecies IV: Bloodstorm (1998)
Subspecies V: Bloodrise (2023)

 

Tom Ghoul

 

 

 

Bloodstone: Subspecies II (1993)

Bloodstone: Subspecies IIBloodstone: Subspecies II starts right where the first one left off. We’re in Castle Vladislas where Michelle (portrayed by Denise Duff from here on) is a freshly-bitten vampire, lying in a coffin while her friends are killed by Radu. And speaking of Radu, who’s gotten his head chopped off… according to the vampire encyclopedia, it isn’t enough to just cut off their head, you know. Because you also have to burn the head on a stake to completely finish them. If not, the head will somehow magically attach itself back, like what happens here.

 

After Radu’s epic little awakening, he finishes his brother Stefan by shoving a stake through his chest, drinking his blood that jets like a fountain. Shows you just how wicked Radu really is. First his father, now his brother. Oh, my. Radu opens the coffin of a scared Michelle, and is about to finish her off as well. A little too late as the sun rises just in time to make Radu rush himself down to his crypt in the basement. There’s a lot to process in these first ten minutes, but after the sun has gone down again, Radu is too late —again— as Michelle has escaped the castle.

 

To make matters worse for Radu, she has taken the ancient relic, the Bloodstone, with her that was in the coffin with Stefan. Radu gets furious as he trashes the corpse of his brother like an unhinged drug-addict (like he metaphorically is) before he gets on Michelle’s tail, who’s jumped on a train to Bucharest. Michelle checks into a hotel and phones her sister Becky (Melanie Shatner) in the USA. Before Becky is able to get on the first plane to Romania, Michelle dies in the bathtub in her room, and… that’s it, I guess?

 

Lieutenant Marin (Ion Haiduc) spots two bitemarks on her neck, and like most level-headed Romanian people, the last thing on his mind is vampirism. He gets hold of the Bloodstone, which he assumes is a stolen antique. Well, not far from the truth. Anyway, on the way to the morgue, Michelle suddenly wakes up in the bodybag, scares the daylight out of the coroners, before she runs to seek shelter from the sun. In other words, her sister, Becky, will have a hard time tracking down Michelle in Bucharest. What a mess.

 

Meanwhile, Radu pays his mother a visit, simply called Mummy (Pamela Gordon). She’s a ghoulish witch skeleton who lives in a cemetery tomb, of course. And she’s not related to the Crypt Keeper, just to clarify. She’s also as evil as she looks and does what she can with her magic to help her beloved son to claim back the Bloodstone and catch Michelle, who he now has some other plans for. Becky gets help from the US Embassy Agent Mel (Kevin Spirtas) to find her sister.

 

While the first film was mostly filmed in the Romanian countryside, here we expand the horizon in the big city of Bucharest. And I wouldn’t be too surprised if this was also the first American film to be shot in the capital. However, this is peak Full Moon. The first three Subspecies films as a whole are the best thing they’ve ever created (alongside with the first three Puppet Masters), where the second is the grand jewel of the series.

 

There are some more interesting characters here as well. Denise Duff, who took over the role as Michelle, does an outstanding job here as she slowly loses her identity and has to adjust to the dark, addicted life as a bloodsucking vampire. Melanie Shatner (yes, the daughter of William Shatner) does a solid job as the concerned sister as well. Kevin Spirtas as Mel comes off as more flat and dry, while we have some subtle comic relief moments with Lieutenant Marin, who doesn’t buy any of this vampire-fairy tale boolshit. We also have the old historian Nicolai Popescu (Michael Denish), a charming little oddball. Radu’s Mummy, adds some more of the cheese factor as she looks like something from a 80s fantasy horror movie.

 

Everything here is of high quality, all from the cinematography, the story, pacing, the effects/make-up, the music to the acting. Everything just clicks. The advantage of the old city of Bucharest really enhances the mood and the stylish gothic atmosphere all up to eleven while Radu casts his dark shadow over the city buildings. The use of light and shadows and the contrast-filled visuals are alone a delight to watch. It looks menacing and beautiful at the same time, and if you weren’t tempted to visit Romania after the first film, this one surely will.

 

Bloodstone: Subspecies II Bloodstone: Subspecies II Bloodstone: Subspecies II

 

 

Writer and director: Ted Nicolaou
Country & year: Romania/USA, 1993
Actors: Anders Hove, Denice Duff, Kevin Spirtas, Melanie Shatner, Michael Denish, Pamela Gordon, Ion Haiduc, Norman Cabrera, Wayne Toth
IMDb: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0106436/

 

Prequel:
Subspecies (1991)

Sequels:
Bloodstone: Subspecies II (1993)
Bloodlust: Subspecies III (1994)
Subspecies IV: Bloodstorm (1998)
Subspecies V: Bloodrise (2023)

 

Tom Ghoul

 

 

 

Subspecies (1991)

SubspeciesHey, now that the evil dictator Nicolae Ceaușescu has finally been shot and executed on national TV, and Romania has been freed from the communist party, maybe we should pay the country a visit? Charles Band with his brand-new film company, Full Moon Features, certainly didn’t hesitate. Because after disbanding his decade-long Empire Pictures, he needed something quite special to add to his new company. Full Moon had already produced the first three Puppet Master films with great success, but here comes the coolest piece of trivia in the history of cinema: Subspecies was not only the first American film to be shot in Romania, it was also the first vampire flick to be filmed in that country after the fall of communism. Talk about a double win!

 

Charles Band quickly scrapped together the title and the classic poster we see on the right before thinking about the script. Director Ted Nicolaou (who also directed the four sequels, plus the spin-off Vampire Journals) asked what the hell the small creatures that carry the woman on the poster was supposed to be. How could he know, it was something that was cool to have on the poster, so the writers just had to come up with something. They ended up being the ones we actually call the Subspecies, and Radu’s (the film’s antagonist) minions, which are just a tiny minor element to the films. They only appear briefly as a quick afterthought in the first two and in the second and the third one.

 

This epic saga starts with a silhouette shot of the famous Bran Castle where the king Vladislas (Angus Scrimm) in a big fluffy wig, probably borrowed from this guy, is having a drop from an ancient relic called the Bloodstone, the films precious MacGuffin. This stone produces saints’ blood as quickly as a porn stars’ ballsack, so the vampires can live in their own darkness without hunting down humans. And in comes Radu, one of the sons of Vladislas. He’s pure evil, inside and out, with long fingers that would make Count Orlok jealous. He wants the Bloodstone for some reason, even though he hunts down humans just for the hell of it. He wants the whole pie for sure, and the Bloodstone is just the cherry on top. He kills the king with a dagger, claims the castle, and Romania is no longer safe. So much for the execution of Ceaușescu. La dracu!

 

Subspecies

 

Then we meet a group of three young female students who travel to Transylvania to study Romanian culture and folklore. Our main girl is Michelle from the US (Laura Tate) who’ll be the main protagonist in the first four films. After meeting at the train station, they drive to a village in the countryside where we get a unique glimpse of an obscure, broken and piss-poor country where the dust after decades of dictatorship hasn’t even begun to settle. It’s grim and moody with all real sets and locations, which gives the film a more raw, organic vibe. The special effects are a whole other aspect, though, which I’ll come back to.

 

After settling in at an old hotel in the town of Prejmer, they meet the young man, Stefan. He and Michelle fall quickly in love. But there’s only one problem: Stefan is actually a vampire, you see, and the brother of Radu. And Stefan is the polar opposite of Radu, as he’s a good-hearted handsome chad who tries his best to live a normal, civilized life with mortals, thanks to the Bloodstone. Those days seem to be over, though, especially when Radu gets those precious young female students on his radar and starts to hunt them down. Rasnov Fortess was used as Radu’s hiding place, just to mention.

 

Full Moon made a malicious villain here with Radu, who’s best described as a more monstrous-looking Eric Draven. He’s played by the more unknown Danish actor Anders Hove, who also repriced his role in the four sequels. He brings back much of the primitive and animistic mannerism we saw with Nosferatu while he adds his own distinctiveness to it. The new aspect of Radu is that he talks with a raspy voice like someone with stage 4 throat cancer. And he never seems able to wipe his mouth after biting someone’s neck as he drools like a baby where even the hardcore goth girls would cringe and say ew.

 

The music/soundtrack here is really remarkable, constructed by four composers and performed by the Aman Folk Orchestra. It’s dark and moody, filled with classical tunes that go hand in hand with the obscure and eerie Romanian surroundings. The theme for the opening credits, enhanced in the next two sequels, became such a classic that the black metal band Marduk made a cover version dedicated to Radu, called Nightwing.

 

While we have a compelling vampire villain, the biggest credit goes to the use of locations, as already mentioned. We have forest landscapes, castle ruins, villages, old ancient buildings in general, and considering the harsh circumstances, the film looks way better than it probably should. Because there are some clearly rough edges here on the technical levels, especially the scenes with Radu’s minion creatures. They originally used actors in costumes with large sets which ended up as deleted scenes. The problem was, according to the director himself (from a journal he wrote during the production), was that they were played by drunk Romanians who I’d guess were still in celebratory mode after the death of Ceaușescu. And then there were the language barriers. So instead, we have some charming creatures made of claymation in stop-motion made by David Allen, who also worked on the Puppet Master films. The only thing missing is their shadow where the moldy B movie cheese really reeks, and it’s a positive thing that they have very little screen time. They look much better in the next two films though.

 

So, despite its bumps in the road, Subspecies is a solid and a very ambitious start to a nice, little trilogy that expands on its own twist on Eastern European vampire lore. I’m not sure how much impact this will have on today’s generation as this is a product from its time – but Radu, the locations, the overall atmosphere and the music alone make it worth a watch. The two sequels are great as well, especially the second. You can watch them all on fullmoonfeatures.com.

 

Subspecies Subspecies Subspecies

 

 

Director: Ted Nicolaou
Writers: Charles Band, Jack Canson, David Pabian
Country & year: Romania/USA, 1991
Actors: Anders Hove, Irina Movila, Laura Mae Tate, Michelle McBride, Ivan J. Rado, Mara Grigore, Adrian Vâlcu, Michael Watson, Angus Scrimm
IMDb: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0103002/

 

Sequels:
Bloodstone: Subspecies II (1993)
Bloodlust: Subspecies III (1994)
Subspecies IV: Bloodstorm (1998)
Subspecies V: Bloodrise (2023)

 

Tom Ghoul

 

 

 

Dracula 3000 (2004)

Dracula 3000 What does Jason, Pinhead, Leprechaun and Dracula have in common? They’ve been into space. And this has to be the worst of them all. Good grief.

 

We’re in the year 3000 and get introduced to Captain Abraham Van Helsing (Casper Van Dien) and his small crew on a salvage space ship, looking for a large cargo ship named Dieter that has been missing for fifty years in the Carpathian Galaxy. And yes, we’re talking about the outer space. They find the ship while it’s heading towards Earth,  completely empty for crew, and they decide to take possession of all the valuable stuff. They soon learn that some spooky shit has been going on when they find the only dried-up corpse left on the ship’s bridge, tied up with a crucifix in its hands. And oh man, this is unbelievably bad: it looks like they just bought the cheapest Halloween skeleton they could find and dressed it up, and God knows what went through the actors’ heads when they had to act serious when they saw it. They find a video log from fifty years ago, of a frightened Captain Varna (Udo Kier) who says that he locked himself in his cabin after some pandemic infected the crew after they cargoed a bunch of coffins in the Transilvanian station. And you can never guess who’s lurking among them on the ship: It’s the new variant Nekronomicron! Just kidding. It’s Dracula. Of course.

 

The first crewmember to get bit is 187. That’s not his IQ, it’s his name. He’s a goofy, stereotypical manic crack smoker and is played by none other than the 90s rapper star Coolio. And as ridiculous as he is with his hysterical overacting, at least he seems to have some fun playing a vampire from Da Hood while flashing his fangs as much as possible. The B-movie actor Casper Van Dien, known from Starship Troopers and  a laundry list of straight-to-videos, seems to really have a hard time keeping himself awake as he yawns out most of his dialogues like he couldn’t give a single fuck about anything other than his paycheck. And who can blame him when you have to read lines like this while doing your best to keep a straight face:

 

– Transilvania? What the fuck is Transilvania?
– Transilvania is a planet in the remote Carpathian System. It’s a.. uhm.. it’s a planet of vampires!
– Vampire?? So what the hell is a vampire?
– It’s sorta like a man … only far more evil, if you could imagine that.
– All that bloodsuckin’, that’s some white people shit!
– I want to watch my anaconda spit all over your snow white ass.

 

And we have classic lines such as:

 

– I put up for your shit cuz you’re black and… ugly.
– I have to go to the bathroom! I really do!
– I… AM A VAMPAIAHH!!!
– Dude!
– Bro!

 

Captain Van Helsing also learns that he is related to a certain another Van Helsing from the late 1800s, and that Dracula is on his way to Earth to seek revenge. And prepare yourself for the most pathetic Dracula ever put on screen. He’s just some teenager dressed as Dracula, and is as charismatic as an average high school douchebag and as intimidating as Hello Kitty. There’s a scene where he attacks the blond chick among the crewmembers, and she really struggles to look scared and not to chuckle.

 

And other than that, Dracula 3000 looks like something you would find at the bottom at the barrel of the SyFy or Asylum Films catalogue, but even they would be too embarrassed to release this half-assed turkey. It also had a spot on the IMDb Bottom 100 list at one time, and that pretty much says it all. But, yeah, there’s a good amount of laughs to get from this if you’re weak for shitty and unintentionally funny films, in this case most thanks to Coolio and the string of quoteworthy dialogues.

 

Dracula 3000

 

Directors: Darrell Roodt
Country & year: Germany, South Africa 2004
Actors: Casper Van Dien, Erika Eleniak, Coolio, Alexandra Kamp, Grant Swanby, Langley Kirkwood, Tom Lister Jr., Udo Kier
IMDb: www.imdb.com/title/tt0367677/

 

 

Tom Ghoul

 

 

 

Dracula’s Widow (1988)

Dracula's Widow We are in one of the darker corners of Hollywood, Los Angeles, where the young man Raymond Everett (Lenny Von Dohlen) owns a horror-themed wax museum. One day he gets some new deliveries, all the way from Romania, one of which is a casket that contains something you’ll never guess what – Vanessa, Dracula’s widow (Sylvia Kristel). Yes, a living, bloodsucking vampire. So why has she gotten herself all the way over to Los Angeles, you may wonder? No one knows. She doesn’t know, the script doesn’t know, even the Man Who Knows poster we see on the wall on Raymond’s apartment, doesn’t know. So where do we go from here? Who knows.

 

Anyway, as soon she rises from the casket, she goes straight to a bar where she hooks up a random, sleazy guy who will become her first victim to feed her need for human blood. At the same time, two men breaks into the wax museum while Raymond is upstairs sipping red wine and watching Nosferatu. After Vanessa kills one of the men, she goes up to Raymond and claims him as her slave before she puts her teeth in his neck, and wants him to take her back to her husband in Romania.

 

Instead of just giving her a one-way ticket and wish her the best, he tells her the shocking fact that Dracula is dead, and she’s a widow. Now she wants to know who killed him, so she can have her revenge. And guess what – Van Helsing’s grandson, simply named Dr. Helsing, coincidentally lives in Hollywood. Of course. And even though he’s old and fragile, and should rather be at a nursing home, he’s still determined and pretty eager to continue the legacy of his grandfather to hunt down vampires.

 

Dracula's Widow

 

And no joking here, this is the plot so far. We also get a crime investigation side-plot with Lt. Lannon (Josef Sommer) when Vanessa starts to leave more dead bodies around after her ongoing killing spree in Hollywood. When she’s not transforming herself into a bat, she uses her long fingers as daggers to kill her prey. There’s a pretty pointless, yet funny massacre scene with a group of devil-worshippers who are  about to sacrifice a naked blond chick to Satan, where the B-movie glory skyrockets all up to eleven. We see Vanessa turn into a monstrous creature with some really cool prosthetic makeup, as she kills off the whole group which leaves another gory crime scene to Lt. Lannon. He, of course, eventually gets in touch with Dr. Helsing, who easily convinces Hannon that all the killing is done by a vampire.

 

It’s noteworthy to mention that Dracula’s Widow is written and directed by Christopher Coppola, nephew of Francis Ford Coppola, who also made a certain Dracula film some years later. It’s easy to crap all over the film by comparing Christopher to his superior uncle, but Dracula’s Widow isn’t completely hopeless when it comes to cheap entertaining value, with some good old ’80s cheese. It’s a sleazy, gory and just a plain silly popcorn flick to kill off a Wednesday night. Nothing more, nothing less. The funniest moments here is of course the comical over-acting by Silvia Kristel, with her goofy facial expressions that she displays when she tries to look intimidating when she’s not wearing the monster make-up. Lenny Won Dohlen, known from Twin Peaks, has the same angsty look he always portrays. I also like the scenes with Dr. Helsing, that old geezer cracks me up. The guy who plays Lt. Lennon is the only one who takes his role dead serious, even though there’s absolutely nothing to take seriously here.

 

Dracula’s Widow is available on DVD after a quick search.

 

Dracula's Widow Dracula's Widow Dracula's Widow

 

 

 

 

Director: Christopher Coppola
Country & year: USA, 1988
Actors: Sylvia Kristel, Josef Sommer, Lenny von Dohlen, Marc Coppola, Stefan Schnabel, Rachel Jones, Duke Ernsberger, G.F. Rowe, Richard K. Olsen, Lucius Houghton, J. Michael Hunter, Traber Burns
IMDb: www.imdb.com/title/tt0097230/

 

 

Tom Ghoul

 

 

 

Die Hard Dracula (1998)

Die Hard DraculaDie Hard Dracula. How can it go wrong with a title like this?

 

The film opens with quick a prologue we’ve heard thousand times about Vlad The Impaler and his battle against the Turks, as we see images of people literally sitting on poles in their underwear with no blood, no gore, nothing. Not a single attempt to make us believe that we’re looking at tortured and impaled people in a dark middle ages scenario. You’re just a few seconds in, and you already ask why the hell this movie was made and why it even exists. The visuals are just flat out dreadful, and calling it amateurish doesn’t do it justice, it’s even far beyond that.  It’s almost a cliché thing to say, but it’s really hard to put words on how ridiculously bad this is. And this is just the first ten seconds or so.

 

And after 300 years, Dracula has finally had it with Romania and its God-fearing whining people. As he lies in his coffin, we hear his first lines in the distinct Romanian accent: “No more pray! Three hundred years I listened to this awful praying and boOolshit. I can’t stand it no more.” We then get a scene where his casket flies over the European landscape (yes, with Dracula in it) with the tune of Ride Of The Valkyries playing. What really is there to say … It’s pure movie magic. He lands in his new castle in Moravia, Czech Republic.

 

After the opening we jump over to sunny California, where we meet the young couple Julia and Steven, who have fun with water skiing. But tragedy suddenly strikes when Julia loses the grip and disappears into the sea and assumingly drowns. One night Steven and his father see a shooting star, and Steven says “I wish Julia was alive.” His dad then follows up with this line: “You know the old saying … see a falling star, a wish may come true.” Steven responds with a blank stare like if he was a lobotomized mental patient : “Yeah … I wish … I really wish ….” No tears, no emotions. He’s probably the worst actor in this film. Anyway, the shooting star hits a random coffin some place in Moravia that resurrects a young, recently deceased woman back to life, who Steven ends up imagining is Julia. Yes, seriously. After the shooting star incident, he then jumps on a plane to Prague and goes from pub to pub, only to get more and more drunk and disappointed. A lot of nonsensical bullshits happens, but he eventually ends up in a tavern where he meets this girl, who then gets kidnapped by Dracula. Van Helsing finally pops up from nowhere, just in time, who teams up with Steven to kill Dracula and save the girl.

 

Die Hard Dracula

 

Van Helsing is played by Bruce Glover (father of Crispin Glover), and he acts more like a confused half-drunk uncle you just want to put to bed with wishes of a better tomorrow. Most of the actors seem to be either drunk, or just on something. I would be too, if I was acting in a film like this. We see Dracula in several shapes, played by several actors, one worse that the other.  We see him as a big, fat slob that looks  like Jabba The Hut and a rotten potato with a wig, and his regular shape where he looks more like Meat Loaf in a porn spoof (just without the porn), to mention some examples.

 

Dracula also shows off some display of magic powers by throwing fireballs, and shooting lightning from his fingers as he acts like a mental lunatic who tries his best not to impersonate Emperor Palpatine. Several of Dracula’s dialogues were dubbed with the most stiff and lifeless voiceacting that you could’ve heard from a discarded PS1 game. Dracula is the funniest part in this demented madhouse of a movie, for sure, and has a lot of laughable dialogues. And we get the most retarded sex scene with the tune of the the Nutcracker playing. Merry Christmas.

 

Die Hard Dracula

 

The effects and set-design is a whole another level of absurdness, if not lazyness. While a castle somewhere in Czech Republic was used as the exterior for Dracula’s Castle, the interior set-design is just a room, covered with white cow wallpaper, or whatever it is. It’s something straight out of an elementary school play. The Dracula costume was probably bought at Walmart. The ending puts the level of stupidity all up to eleven which gives a clear indication that we would never see the sequel Die Hard Dracula With a Vengeance, directed by Tommy Wiseau, as much I would have loved to see that one.

 

And that was Die Hard Dracula. Pure mentally retarded trash from start to finish where someone just picked up a camcorder, a mic and goofed around with friends during a long weekend. And God knows what went through their heads. They probably had the time of their lives making this, like they where some teens making their first movie in someone’s backyard, but the result is something even their mothers would struggle to give legit compliments to. Especially considering that the writer, producer and director Peter Horak was at whopping 55 years old when he made this, after working as a stuntman in Hollywood for two decades. At least he got to see his masterpiece become full circle when it finally got released on DVD from Alpha Home Entertainment before he died in 2017.

 

Die Hard Dracula

 

Director: Peter Horak
Country & year: USA, Czech Republic, 1998
Actors: Bruce Glover, Denny Sachen, Kerry Dustin, Ernest M. Garcia, Chaba Hrotko, Thomas McGowan, Talia Botone, Nathalie Huot, Peter Horak, John Slavik, Robert Coppola, Eddie Eisele, Paul Lackey, Joseph Miksovsky, Margie Windish
IMDb: www.imdb.com/title/tt0162930/

 

Tom Ghoul