Crawlspace (1986)

Crawlspace You’re just inches away from a fate worse than death. And that is directing Klaus Kinski!

 

It should be a big red flag when you have an old weirdo named Karl Gunther who owns an apartment complex which he only rents out to young women. And especially when he looks like Klaus Kinski. But there’s nothing shady about him, how could there be with those blue, warm and kind eyes? He only likes to kill some time by crawling around the air vents like a rat and spying on the tenants while they do their daily things, like having girls parties with tequila mixed with milk (yuck), and dates with cringe sex acts. Because when you couldn’t stalk people through social media and webcams, like today, you had to be more creative and use your imagination, like this Gunther guy.

 

And in his secret little attic apartment he has his small collection of bodyparts in jars, building death traps, and where he writes his secret journal while he has a cute, little white kitty to keep him company. And don’t worry, nothing bad happens to the cat… ha-ha. He also has an another pet, and that is a woman trapped in a cage who has gotten her tongue cut off. Between the killings, Gunther plays Russian Roulette as a form of self-punishment. If the bullet goes off, well, it’s game over. If not, so be it, and over to the next victim. As Gunther does his normal business by stalking and murdering his female tenants one by one, he, one day, gets an unexpected visit by a young man who’s about to expose his dark and shady past, which explains one thing or ten about Gunther’s murder tendencies. You can be happy to confront him, by all means, but not sit too comfy in his chairs…

 

And if the building looks somewhat familiar, it’s because it’s the same set-design used in Troll the same year. But the real troll in this place, is none other than the goblin, the myth, the monster himself: Klaus Kinski.

 

Crawlspace is written and directed by David Schmoeller and produced by Charles Band’s Empire Pictures. And of course, talking about this particular film is impossible without diving into the behind-the-scenes madness, which is more entertaining than the film itself. Because David Schmoeller was highly excited to work with Klaus Kinski, after watching him in the great Werner Herzog films. To do some quick background checks on Kinski, David Schmoeller contacted the previous director he worked with (Ulli Lommel, I’d guess). He said that Kinski was wonderful to work with and nothing but a good experience. Had he spoken with Herzog instead, God knows how that conversation would have turned. In other words: He was completely oblivious to what kind of a deranged madman he really was and the radioactive shitstorm that would follow him. It wasn’t after he read an interview with him in the Playboy Magazine that he knew that he was in big trouble. Oh…. Yeah, you can say. Enjoy the Klaus Kinski Crazy Train!

 

Crawlspace

 

On day three of shooting, Kinski went on full war with the crew that escalated into six fist fights. And that’s just him warming up. He refused to follow basic orders, such as start acting when hearing action. He would instead scream and yell: Action! Action! Action! I’ve made over 200 movies and directors always saying action! So, instead of  action, Schmoeller said: Light, camera, roll … Klaus. That form of ego boost worked for a day and a half until Kinski suddenly started screaming again. Klaus, Klaus, Klaus..! All my life, directors have called Klaus! … facepalm.

 

So, if the director couldn’t say Klaus to start the scene, what should he say then? Kinski replies: Say nothing. I start when I’m ready. Alright then. But the madness is far from over. Because after Schmoeller says cut, Kinski screams again and yells: Cut! Cut! Cut! I’ve made over 200 movies and the directors are always saying cut! He points at the director and says: Don’t say cut. I stop when I’m finished.

 

Kinski would never do a take two, because why should he. He was the best, after all, he just always happened to be surrounded by a bunch of mongoloid amateurs ( the viewpoint by none other than Kinski, der meister himself ). According to the commentary track by writer/director David Schmoeller on the Blu-ray, Kinski would cut lines and refuse to say certain important plot-related dialogues which Schmoeller assumed he just forgot. He would reply with I didn’t forget, I just didn’t need to say it. The only way Kinski would say these lines was after Schmoeller had to go to him and say You know what, Klaus, I don’t think you need to say this next line. Kinski would then disagree and say Yes, I do. It’s an important line. Bro, talking about pure tiresome childish mindgame fuckery mixed with a handful of deep-rooted borderline narcissism. But a big thanks to the goldmine of funny trivia.

 

Due to all the Kinskiness, the twenty days-shooting schedule had to be extended by ten days. They also had to have some of the crew members on his tail when he was out for lunch, like a wild dog on a leash, so they could bring him back to set to finish the movie. Because hiring Klaus Kinski was far from cheap where his name alone was a big selling point, and there was no budget to replace him. And speaking of hiring Klaus Kinski and the risk that he would sabotage the whole film, listen to this: The Italian producer, Roberto Bessi, actually wanted to kill off Klaus Kinski so that they could have his insurance money. Yes, really. David Schmoeller made a short documentary in 1999 titled Please, kill Mr. Kinski where he goes more in detail. This was not the first time someone behind the scenes wanted to delete him though. During the making of Fitzcarraldo (1982) one of the natives offered director Werner Herzog to kill Kinski. Herzog wisely decline, because, well, he needed the bastard to finish the film. And the same said David Schmoeller as he also was hellbent to survive the Kinski Crazy Train, because that in itself is always worth a golden medal.

 

I really hope that some day a biopic of him gets made, because the sheer absurdity that was the demented world of Klaus Kinski is something that no one could make up, not even Chris Chan. Just watch the five films he made with Werner Herzog, the documentary My Best Fiend Klaus Kinski, his insane directorial acid-trip delirium Kinski Paganini, which also became his last film before he died of a heart attack in 1991 at age of 65. Then we have a series of his bizarre public outbursts, and the cultural trainwreck fiasco that was his short-lived tour as Jesus Christ Savior that was canceled after one show because he couldn’t keep himself together. And that’s just the surface. Because when you dig deeper into the Klaus Kinski iceberg, we also have the sexual abuse/rape/incest allegations, which is a whole horror story by itself for a Netflix miniseries. Bill Skarsgard would be a great choice to play Klaus Kinski.

 

Uhm, what the hell was I originally talking about… yeah, Kudos to David Schmoeller for being able to end up with a polished-looking film, considering the circumstances. It has some stylish qualities with some slick camerawork and cinematography, especially during the last act where Kinski chases the final girl through the crawlspaces on a trolley. Despite the behind-the-scenes insanity, Kinski does a great, and sometimes an eerie/mesmerizing performance here, and his far more soft-spoken to almost whispering approach adds to the creepy/weird factor, a stark contrast from his megaphone-loudmouth that we’re mostly used to. Much of the horror relies on the psychological aspects where our man, Gunther, only leaves the victims as morbid corpses after killing them off-screen, except for two, if I remember correctly. It’s also obvious that David Schmoeller used all his writing juice on Karl Gunther, where the moldy leftover dialogue went to the rest of the cast, who have as much personality as rubber sex dolls. And the final girl isn’t much to root for, to be honest. The only woman here who actually does a convincing job is the mute one in the cage who emotes with her scared and traumatic eyes.

 

At the end of the day, Crawlspace works maybe more as a curiosity for the die-hard Klaus Kinski fans, and he’s the sole reason to give the film a watch, like most of the Kinski films. Or just to quote the director himself: Crawlspace is not a particularly good movie, except for the fact that it has Klaus Kinski in it.

 

Crawlspace Crawlspace Crawlspace

 

Writer and director: David Schmoeller
Country & year: USA/Italia, 1986
Actors: Klaus Kinski, Talia Balsam, Barbara Whinnery, Carole Francis, Tane McClure, Sally Brown, Jack Heller, Abbott Alexander, Kenneth Robert Shippy
IMDb: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0090881/

 

Tom Ghoul

 

 

 

 

Puppet Master III: Toulon’s Revenge (1991)

Puppet Master III: Toulon's RevengeIn the third installment of the Puppet Master franchise we go back to year 1941 and the place is Berlin, Germany where we meet André Toulon who works at the local puppetry theatre. And already here is the continuity off the rails when we learned in the first film that Toulon committed suicide in 1939 to escape the nazis, yet here is he alive and well and looks even younger. And if you thought this continuity blunder was bad, then you haven’t seen Puppet Master: The Littlest Reich where Toulon is suddenly an evil, unearthly and monstrous nazi himself. Oh my. Anyways… Toulon is also a happy man with his wife Elsa and it’s all flowers and rainbows until a nazi spy gets his attention on Toulon’s mysterious green serum, Elixir of Life, which wakes his puppets to life. And the nazi colonel Major Kraus (Richard Lynch) is very interested in that serum so he can resurrect dead bodies to use as human shields at the battlefront. With a group of Gestapos they invade his home and Kraus shoots and kills Elsa like the main villain he is. Toulon manages to escape and settles down in a hiding place where he’ll plan his way to avenge his wife and kill those nazi pigs with the help of his loyal puppets.

 

Although ocean air is always good for your health it was refreshing to get a break from the same locations on Bodega Bay Inn to the dark smogfilled streets of Berlin. And as Full Moon’s very limited resources to do a WW2 film is pretty far-fetched, they surprisingly nailed it. The sets, the costumes, the noir atmosphere is spot on. I was also surprised how the stock-footage of a crowded WW2 Berlin was able to blend in.

 

Then of course we have the puppets themselves which from here on and onward are actually the good-guys. Don’t know what I actually feel about that but as long they fight against nazis I’m in for it. And yes, nazis gets killed here in a straight-forward fashion, but like the second film and the upcoming ones, the kills are pretty tame and underwhelming. Some blood here and there and that’s pretty much it. Oh yeah, some quick shots of bare breasts, I almost forgot to mention. The new puppet, Six Shooter, is fun to watch though. He’s some dark bizarro version of Woody from Toy Story.

 

Puppet Master III is also regarded as the best one in the series and I agree.  The script is on its most cohesive, more steady pacing and more interesting characters to pay attention to. The strongest card here is the main villain, Major Kraus, played by the charismatic cult legend Richard Lynch, the most top-tier actor you’ll witness in the whole franchise. It also have the unique whimsical Full Moon trademark tone from first two perfectly balanced with the more serious undertone, which adds to the odd entertainment value.

 

Puppet Master III: Toulon's Revenge Puppet Master III: Toulon's Revenge Puppet Master III: Toulon's Revenge

 

Director: David DeCoteau
Writers: Charles Band, C. Courtney Joyner, David Schmoeller
Country & year: USA, 1991
Actors: Blade, Pinhead, Jester, Tunneler, Six Shooter, Leech Woman, Djinn, Mephisto, Guy Rolfe, Richard Lynch, Ian Abercrombie, Kristopher Logan, Aron Eisenberg, Walter Gotell, Sarah Douglas
IMDb: www.imdb.com/title/tt0102728/

 

Sequel:
– Puppet Master 4 (1993)

Prequels:
Puppet Master II (1990)
Puppet Master (1989)

 

Tom Ghoul

 

 

 

Puppet Master II (1990)

Puppet MasterWe’re in the gloomy smoke machine-filled Shady Oaks Cemetery where the puppets pour some green liquid on André Toulon’s grave to finally resurrect their beloved master. After this atmospheric and eerie opening, we get introduced to the new characters, a group of young ghost hunters who are sent to the Bodega Inn to investigate the murder of Megan Gallagher, the wife of the previous owner.

 

One of the investigators go missing after getting kidnapped by two puppets and, ah shit, here we go again. There’s a weird side-plot with a redneck couple that lives in a shack not so far from the hotel, and they’re there only to get body counted. A soft-spoken man of mystery with a Romanian accent shows up at the hotel who looks like a mix of The Invinsible Man and Héctor from the Spanish Sci-Fi thriller Timecrimes. And who could that possibly be and why is he so interested in collecting brain tissues as people at the hotel starts to get killed? Huh.. Only Scooby-Doo would know…

 

Although this could also easily be a remake of the first one, there are some new ideas here to make some progress in the franchise which later goes more back-and-forth in the timeline. We have some flashbacks as we dip more into the lore and backstory of André Toulon and how he and his wife came across the Elixir of Life somewhere in Egypt. The characters are mostly disposable meat balloons with their own personal drama, but they’re at least far more awake and in presence than they were in the first one.

 

But the star here is the new puppet Torch which, you’ve already guessed, torches his victims to hell with a flamethrower as a hand. Totally rad! And then we have a quick classic paused movie moment with three seconds of bare tits. The kills are not to get too exited about. We have a lackluster scene with the Tunneller who drills the skull of one of the sleeping victims, some quick knifing from Blade and the only memorable one is a woman who gets burned alive by the Torch. There’s also a scene in broad daylight where some kid encounters Torch, which cuts off before he gets roasted. No dwarfs were available for body burn, I assume. Meh! Puppet Master II is overall entertaining as long as it’s going thanks to the mysterious villain, tasty gothic visuals, gloomy and light-dimming atmosphere, the puppets themselves, catchy tunes from composer Richard Band (brother of Charles Band) but otherwise, not much that will stick to the memory.

 

Puppet Master II Puppet Master II Puppet Master II

 

Director: David Allen
Writers: Charles Band, David Pabian, David Schmoeller
Country & year: USA, 1990
Actors: Blade, Pinhead, Jester, Tunneler, Leech Woman, Torch, Djinn, Mephisto, Elizabeth Maclellan, Collin Bernsen, Steve Welles, Greg Webb, Charlie Spradling, Jeff Celentano, Nita Talbot
IMDb: www.imdb.com/title/tt0100438/

 

Sequels:
Puppet Master III: Toulon’s Revenge (1991)
Puppet Master 4 (1993)

Prequel:
Puppet Master (1989)

 

Tom Ghoul

 

 

 

Puppet Master (1989)

Puppet MasterIt’s time to take a dive into the dim-lighted, twisted, wacky and demented world of Full Moon from the mind of the master of puppets himself, Charles Band, where it’s Halloween 24/7.

 

Full Moon Features were established in the very late 80s and Mr. Band was already a veteran in the independent movie business, which had the Empire Pictures in his legacy of producing primarily low-budget horror/fantasy films spewed out for the blooming VHS market. Most of which are cheap schlocks aimed at a niche audience. Some notable titles from that era includes The Dungeonmaster, Troll, Ghoulies I and II, Trancers, Crawlspace, Rawhead Rex, TerrorVision, Re-Animator, From Beyond, Cellar Dweller and the list goes to the moon and back.

 

But with its brand new company after the financial collapse of Empire Pictures, it needed to get more serious and create a flagship film series to kickstart a new era where VHS was still king (and very expensive to buy). With Charles Band’s deep obsession with puppets and dolls, The Puppet Master became a long-lived franchise which, at the time being, has spawned over 14 sequels over the course of the 90s and 2000s. The last entry was released in 2022 with Puppet Master: Doktor Death and more are likely to come. An online video game based on the films was also launched this year.

 

All films are available on streaming at fullmoonfeatures.com, except for Puppet Master vs Demonic Toys (2004) because it’s owned by SyFy for some reason and Puppet Master: The Littlest Reich (2018) for whatever reason. They’re available on other streaming sites though for those who have regional bullshit access.

 

Puppet Master starts back in 1939 at Bodega Bay Inn, a hotel on the Californian seacoast and the main location in most of the films in the series. The old puppeteer, André Toulon, is in his room surrounded by his dolls and puppets as he’s adding some colorpaint on his latest creation. He also has a mysterious elixir that brings the puppets to life, and no other than Hitler himself wants that elixir. Of course. Two Nazi spies enter the hotel as they are on the way to capture Toulon. Before they enter his room, Toulon has hidden the puppets away in a suitcase and committed suicide by a bullet in the skull.

 

We then jump to present time where four psychics are spiritually contacted by Neil Galahger. He’s the current owner of Bodega Bay Inn, and when they arrive they find out that he committed suicide. Why? Who really cares. The more important thing here is that there are murderous puppets creeping around and they don’t like these psychics, and understandably so when they have the nerve to trespass on their domain. So go kill’em, puppets!

 

The film has its flaws and rough edges but my biggest gripe here is the characters (the humans to be more specific) which drags the film to utter boredom on several places. There’s absolutely nothing to them as they have as much screen presence like a dead potato. They seem completely tuned out, bored out of their minds and there’s clearly no one home behind their eyes. Even the puppets look more alive. And yes, my ghoulish walnut-sized brain gets that they’re supposed to dip in-and-out of trances and whatnot like the weird psychics they are, but still… WAKE THE FUCK UP! SNAP-SNAP! One of the psychics, played by Paul Le Mat, looks like a young H.R. Giger, by the way.

Puppet Master

Then we have the puppets which are just cute and adorable and always amusing to watch. They also have their own skills and weapons. Here we meet Jester the Clown with possibly the largest weapon pack that includes a knife, a handgun, razor-sharped scissors, exploding cigars filled with nitroglycerin, candy bazooka, smiling heart–shaped laughing gas bomb, flesh–eating bubble gum blower, explosive cyanide– acid stuffed Ice Cream pies, and even much more. Even John Wick would struggle here.

 

Leech Woman is the one with the gross-factor as she spews out leeches from her mouth upon her victims. Tunneller is an asian-looking puppet with a cone-shaped power drill on his head which speaks for itself. Blade is the leader of the puppets and pretty much the mascot for the whole Full Moon brand and which his name suggest, slashes his victims with his knife. My personal favorite is Pinhead, the one with the small head and the big knuckles. He’s just simple and a pure old-schooler who sucker-punches his victims into oblivion and oozes good old toxic masculinity. And the reason Pinhead’s fists looks more real in the elevator scene where he punches a woman is because it’s the fists of a dwarf stunt woman. In one of the sequels Pinhead also manages to rip someone’s head off with his hands. Savage!

 

The castle-style hotel of Bodega Bay Inn with its gothic surroundings mixed with POV shots from the puppets perspective creates an eerie atmosphere. There’s certainly some great production value here, despite its flaws, and it’s overall a decent-looking film with some clever camera work and steady directing from David Schmoeller (who also made the cult film Tourist Trap and Crawlspace with Klaus Kinski). The gore is minimal but we have at least some throat slashing, fingers that gets chopped off like small sausages and some other ghoulishness for dessert. Nothing too special but the fact that all kills are performed by a mix of stop-motion and puppets on strings surely adds to the charm.

 

Puppet Master Puppet Master Puppet Master

 

Director: David Schmoeller
Writers: Charles Band, Kenneth J. Hall, David Schmoeller
Country & year: USA, 1989
Actors: Blade, Pinhead, Jester, Tunneler, Leech Woman, Gengie, Shreddar Khan, Paul Le Mat, William Hickey, Irene Miracle, Jimmie F. Skaggs, Robin Frates, Matt Roe, Kathryn O’Reilly
IMDb: www.imdb.com/title/tt0098143/

 

Sequels:
Puppet Master II (1990)
Puppet Master III: Toulon’s Revenge (1991)
Puppet Master 4 (1993)

 

Tom Ghoul

 

 

 

Netherworld (1992)

Netherworld reviewCorey Thornton has just inherited a mansion from his recently deceased father, and travels to Louisiana to check it out. Upon his arrival at the grand estate, he meets with a beautiful young girl which is described as “jailbait” (but who is clearly in her mid-20s…) and his father’s live-in housekeeper, who is the mother of said girl. And of course, a black-gloved and somewhat fishy-looking lawyer. Corey discovers that his father has written a will which includes a description of how the old man has, supposedly, found a way to return back from the dead, and in doing so he needs the help of his son. Corey soon ends up at the local pub/brothel called Tonk’s, where he meets a witchy prostitute who harbors the secrets of black magic. And she turns people into birds if she feels like it. Corey is now obsessed with the task of fulfilling his dead father’s wish of bringing him back to life, and seeks help from the strange people in the weird voodoo-brothel in the bayou.

 

Netherworld is a Full Moon Entertainment movie directed by David Schmoeller and produced by Charles Band. Right off the bat the movie sets a certain tone with the illusory opening scene in Tonk’s bar, which features both chicks and chickens in surroundings that resemble a sexy yet uncomfortable fever dream. Downstairs is what you could probably call a funhouse-like brothel with weird hallways and just as weird characters. To top it all we also get to see a flying disembodied hand and a guy that is turned into a bird (although the latter isn’t displayed to the full extent, but more implied). In other words, it gives a certain promise of being a really cheesy popcorn entertainment flick.

 

Then the movie takes a u-turn when we meet Corey and he enters his newly inherited mansion, and a more serious tone is set. While we get to gradually know more about Corey’s dead father and what he tries to accomplish, the pacing becomes a bit of a problem where it’s all moving a tad bit too slow. The scenes at Tonk’s are definitely the movie’s highlights, with creative usage of color and lighting and some pretty cool old-school effects and jazzy sex scenes. The brothel appears to have lots of girls with names of deceased celebrities, including a woman calling herself Marilyn Monroe, who looks…well..exactly like Marilyn Monroe. This is a pretty cool idea, actually…a brothel where deceased celebrities have been brought back to life.

 

While it does move a little slowly and never really gets very exciting, it makes up for it with the visuals and a fun premise. Netherworld is entertaining enough with its slightly goofy concept, perfect for a relaxed saturday evening with some popcorn.

 

Netherworld can be seen on Full Moon Features.

 

Netherworld Netherworld Netherworld

 

Director: David Schmoeller
Country & year: USA, 1992
Actors: Michael Bendetti, Denise Gentile, Anjanette Comer, Holly Floria, Robert Sampson, Holly Butler, Alex Datcher, Robert Burr, George Kelly, Mark Kemble, Barret O’Brien, Michael Lowry, David Schmoeller
IMDb: www.imdb.com/title/tt0104987/

 

 

Vanja Ghoul