It’s been some years since the great white sharks terrorized Amity Island, and the son of police chief Brody (Mike) has now grown up and works as a chief engineer at SeaWorld Orlando together with his girlfriend Kathryn, who is a biologist. The park’s main attractions are the new underwater tunnels, which allows people a great view of the undersea life. Sounds fun, right? Well, not so much when a great white shark manages to enter while the park’s lagoon gates are stuck open. No one knows yet, of course, but the park’s dolphins shows signs of distress and are afraid of going out into the lagoon. The first victim is the mechanic who dives into the water to repair the gates, and while the shark has started its feasting, Mike and his girlfriend are not aware of any dangers.
When it becomes clear the mechanic has gone missing, they use a submarine to look for his body, and encounters a great white instead…but it’s not a big one, and they find it’s just a juvenile. In order to get more publicity for the park, it’s decided that this shark should be captured, which of course goes to hell pretty quickly and the shark dies. There’s a reason great whites can’t survive in captivity, and that’s due to their need for continuous movement in order to breathe and stay alive, plus they are known for being under extreme stress in captivity and also refuse to eat. Those creatures are born to be free, period. Then when the corpse of the missing guy is discovered, they realize that he was attacked by a much larger shark than the one they captured (and caused the death of). Out there somewhere is Mommy shark, and we are of course in for more body counts.
Jaws 3-D from 1983, also known as Jaws 3, is the third film in the Jaws franchise. It was directed by Joe Alves. And yeah…this is arguably not really a good movie, but as far as shark movies overall go it’s fairly decent to give a watch, and maybe have some laughs at the same time due to the silly and extremely outdated 3D effects. Yes, it’s one of those 3D-glasses movies where several scenes are designed for these effects, and like most movies utilizing this it looks more laughable than fascinating. Getting some of the actors from the previous movie was also a no-go, as Roy Scheider (who played Police Chief Martin Brody) just laughed at the concept of Jaws 3-D and made it apparent he couldn’t have been talked into doing it. Dennis Quaid, who plays Mike Brody in this film, admitted that he was aggressively using cocaine during the filming and was high “in every frame“. That being said, I think the actors overall did well enough with what they had to play along with.
In many ways it was a good decision to move away from yet another story centered around Amity Island, but while the second installment of the film series kind of tried to keep some of the ominous vibes from the first, we here go into pure B-schlock territory. And I guess you can say that a setting of a marine park works pretty well for something like this, with the goofy vibe and all. Just like in the previous movies, we must not forget to also add in some corporate greed that puts everyone in danger, of course!
Some of the highlights are of course the clunky effects which are made even more laughable in the 3D setting, with the glass-breaking scene being the most hilarious one. How could we go from the outright scary and sinister vibe from the first movie, to this ludicrous schlock..? Well, that’s the power of sequels made from popular movies. In one attempt after the other to recreate some of the magic from the first, we end up getting something that strays further and further from the original’s qualities. Kind of makes me wonder what a Jaws movie would look like if it was re-created inside the Backrooms.
Overall, though, Jaws 3-D is a fun watch when seeing it with the right expectations. Despite getting mostly negative reception and even multiple Golden Raspberry Awards, Worst Picture, Worst Director and Worst Supporting Actor awards, it still managed to become a commercial success. Later on came Jaws: The Revenge in 1987, which kind of pretends that this movie never happened and gives the shark a pure “revenge“ motive. I think it’s fair to say that the Jaws franchise ended with this third installment.
Director: Joe Alves Writers: Richard Matheson, Carl Gottlieb, Guerdon Trueblood Country & year: USA, 1983 Actors: Dennis Quaid, Bess Armstrong, Simon MacCorkindale, Louis Gossett Jr., John Putch, Lea Thompson, P.H. Moriarty, Dan Blasko, Liz Morris, Lisa Maurer, Harry Grant, Andy Hansen IMDb:https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0085750/
We’re in the year 1968, and we see a teenage girl who has gotten herself a baby alligator. Sounds like the perfect pet, right? At least the girl loves the little thing. Her parents, though, are not quite as thrilled. After finding alligator-poo on his clothes, the father flushes the poor baby alligator down the toilet, in agreement with the mother while they plot finding some excuse when their daughter gets back home. A-holes. Well, that’s not the end of baby gator, of course.
Fast forward 12 years later to 1980, body parts are exiting the sewers and getting police detective David Madison involved, a slightly world-weary “tired of all this bullshit“ guy who is still struggling with the the loss of his partner in a botched case in St. Louis, which has given him a reputation of being extremely unlucky for whoever should be assigned as his new partner. And David once again proves to be a “partner-killer“ when the rookie cop Kelly willingly goes with him to check out the sewers, and becomes a gator snack. Oops. David’s still got a long way to go if he wants to beat Chuck Steel out of that department, though.
David, with two recently lost partners, missing locals, and also mysterious dog carcasses appearing in the sewers, finds himself in search of more than just a giant alligator. He teams up with herpetologist Marisa Kendall, who (surprise, surprise!) actually happens to be the baby alligator girl from the opening scene, and they develop some kind of (rather uninteresting) romance. To top it all David’s also got the problem of a receding hairline, which seems to be a big issue for both him a lots of other people for some reason. Apparently is was the actor himself, Robert Forster, who insisted on adding these jokes on behalf of his real-life thinning hair.
So, here we have the creature feature film Alligator from 1980, directed by Lewis Teague (who also made Cat’s Eye) from a screenplay by John Sayles. It was produced independently and released by Group 1 Films, and became somewhat of a box office flop in North America, but became more successful in other territories, and of course, have garnered a cult following since. Now, you might have heard about the “alligators in sewers“ urban legend, based on how people allegedly flushed alligators down the toilets. Yes, they sold these as pets back in the day, with people buying them and probably thinking they looked so cute as babies, and freaking out once they realized that they actually grow…you know, like babies usually do. In 1967 alligators were listed as an endangered species which stopped the sales, but the myths and legends about giant gators surviving in the sewers lived on, and inspired this movie.
And yes, this is a B-horror movie through and through, but as far as creature feature flicks go this one does at least give us a good amount of actual creature scenes. And it really tries to go all the way, and you don’t have to wait ages before something starts happening. Sewer workers are chomped up, a kid gets eaten after falling into a swimming pool, a wedding reception is totally wrecked (don’t worry, those people were just a bunch of rich, arrogant and not-quite-innocent douchebags anyway) with the latter being the most fun scene of them all. The effects are pretty solid, mixing many good old-school practical effects with an actual real-life alligator. The name of the real-life alligator was Morris, and he starred in several other films aside from this one. Last year he passed away from old age at his longtime home, the Colorado Gator Farm. R.I.P. big guy.
Overall, Alligator is one of those creature features that delivers the goods without too much dilly-dallying or uninteresting subplots. There’s a lot of fun to be had here with a campy and solid charm, combining the creature horror with some humor and action.
A direct-to-video sequel called Alligator II: The Mutation was released in 1991, but that one’s got jack shit to do with the original.
Director: Lewis Teague Writers: John Sayles, Frank Ray Perilli Country & year: USA, 1980 Actors: Robert Forster, Robin Riker, Michael V. Gazzo, Dean Jagger, Sydney Lassick, Jack Carter, Perry Lang, Henry Silva, Bart Braverman, Morris IMDb:https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0080354/
I am you. And you are me. And we are here Yo. I am the dreamer and you are the dream. Deez nuts.
Whitley Strieber woke up on a December night in 1985 in a little room surrounded by what he calls “nightmare creatures“. A needle was put into the side of his head and he was raped by a machine. He then woke up, again, this time in his bed, as if he just had a wild fewer dream after eating too many mushrooms. Happens to us all. Although Strieber had already, at the time, reached success as a horror writer with The Wolfen and The Hunger (both made into films), his nonfiction Communion: A True Story, based on his bizarre abduction experience, would be the bestseller. The book was released in 1987 and was adapted two years later to the silver screen by schlock filmmaker Philippe Mora from a script by Whitley Strieber himself. Christopher Walken was cast to play Strieber. What could go wrong?
Well, from the get-go, Strieber already acts like an eccentric and unpredictable goofball, and maybe the last person you’d believe was kidnapped by aliens in track pants. No I’m not kidding. Strieber lives in a New York apartment with his wife and son where he writes his books while wearing a wolf mask and cowboy boots with no pants, like the best writers do. Where he hides the cocaine is no one’s business. Whitley’s nightmares starts during a weekend at a remote cabin far in the woods where a bright light shines over the area. No one can explain what happens, and after they head back to New York, Whitley acts more strange and erratic, as if he wasn’t already. After he sees visions and snaps at a Halloween party, Whitley’s wife, Anne, is concerned about his mental state and their marriage, and sends him to a psychiatrist to do some hypnotic regression therapy. And, well, get ready for something really special, where we get to see funny-looking aliens and creatures that could be from the puppet warehouse of Charles Band.
Yes, this is what you could call a weird-ass movie. Whitley Strieber had a friendship with Philippe Mora that went way back to the 1960s, but it would soon be clear that they weren’t much on the same page after all. Mora focused way more on Strieber’s mental collapse, as if he was just gone ko-ko while he tried to balance a normal family life as a frustrated writer. And he didn’t like that, and was not a fan of how Christopher Walken portrayed him. Can’t really blame him, even though Christopher Walken is the highlight here. The film plays more as a humiliation ritual for Strieber, if not a parody of American UFOlogy, where he only comes across like a super pretentious nutcase where even Fox Mulder would roll his eyes. Or maybe that’s just the price for having the director of Howling II: Your Sister Is a Werewolf to make your biopic about getting ass played by aliens.
Christopher Walken got complete freedom to do whatever he wanted with the role and improvise whenever he felt like it. And his performance here can be described as schizophrenic at best. He shows his real reaction by laughing because of how funny the aliens looked. Director Mora kept it in the film as he thought it made it more disturbing. And we laugh as much with him as at him. The scenes with the aliens are pure comedy and bizarro hour where you have the classic cinematic moment of close encounters of the fourth kind, which on paper should be terrifying, traumatic and disturbing but, well…not here. Christopher Walken doesn’t even try to look scared, even when he’s about to get analprobed where he randomly says It looks like you’re gonna sing White Christmas. Yeah, sure. Bruh. Whatever. And if dancing with aliens wasn’t enough, he also sees himself cosplaying as Gomez Addams. Weird, Weird, to quote R. Zegler. Communion is open to endless interpretations, if you even manage to take this seriously.
Director: Philippe Mora Writer: Whitley Strieber Country & year: UK/Australia/USA, 1989 Actors: Christopher Walken, Lindsay Crouse, Frances Sternhagen, Andreas Katsulas, Terri Hanauer, Joel Carlson, John Dennis Johnston, DeeDee Rescher, Aileen Fitzpatrick, R.J. Miller IMDb: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0097100/
You could say that this obscure little schlocky zombieflick takes place somewhere between Dawn of the Dead and Day of the Dead, where the dead roams in the midst of the zombie apocalypse, all shot with a Super-8 camera on a microbudget. Some years after the outbreak, we’re in Virginia where a group of soldiers from the “Zombie Squad“ are on a mission to take down a pack in some farmhouse. The squad is led by Raimi, played by the Temu version of Bruce Campbell. And no, your ears aren’t playing tricks on you — the actor (Pete Ferry) is actually dubbed by Bruce Campbell for some reason. Anyway: it isn’t until now that they learn the fact that it isn’t enough to shoot the zombies in the head, or even chop it off with a machete.
— Damn things! Look at it! Why won’t they DIE?! The thing’s head’s off its body fo Christ’s sakes! Doesn’t it know that?!
When one of the soldiers grabs his gun which lies next to a zombie’s severed head, he gets two of his fingers bitten off. And when you’re that dumb, you deserve it. Since there’s no cure yet, the squad has not much other choice than to leave him there. Goodbye soldier, thanks for your service, and God bless. While Dr. Moulsson is working on a serum that can wipe out the zombie virus, the Zombie Squad gets sent to Akron, Ohio to search for the ingredients. Instead they get in trouble with a crazy cult leader named Jim Jones. And he’s even wearing dark glasses. Not subtle at all. And this Jones guy views the zombies as God’s punishment to the humanity. Fred Phelps from Westboro Baptist Church would give a big Amen to that.
Dumb dialogues, amateur acting, campy action and lots of gore n’ delicious fun practical effects is what’s on the menu from this grainy-looking cheesefest. Nothing more, nothing less. The Dead Next Door is written, directed, produced, edited and scored by J.R. Bookwalter, an amateur filmmaker who just loves to make Z-grade backyard-style horror movies, I guess. That said, it’s a little impressive that he managed to film some quick shots of zombies walking the National Mall and near The White House in Washington DC. Hardcore guerrilla filmmaking. He’s also buddy with Sam Raimi, who’s listed as an executive producer under the pseudonym of “The Master Cylinder“. Raimi actually spat his earnings from Evil Dead II (1987) into this. If it was worth it, who knows, but what do you have friends for.
The film can be found next door to Alice, Tubi.
Writer and director: J.R. Bookwalter Also known as: Mondo Zombie Country & year: USA, 1989 Actors: Pete Ferry, Bogdan Pecic, Michael Grossi, Jolie Jackunas, Robert Kokai, Floyd Ewing Jr., Roger Graham, Maria Markovic, Jon Killough, Scott Spiegel IMDb: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0094962/
We’re in West Berlin during the Cold War era, and a man named Mark returns home after having completed one of his spy missions. Instead of a warm welcome, however, he discovers that his wife, Anna, is ready for a separation and has also started seeing another man. Yay…welcome home. While this is a situation that would make most people lose their minds a little, it appears that both Mark and Anna have lost more than a few marbles already. Prepare for the most unhinged scream-battles and erratic behavior. To top it all, they’ve got a young son named Bob, who has to listen to all their bullshit.
Now, if you thought this was just a regular drama-thriller about a couple going mad during a divorce, don’t worry: you’ll be traveling down more than one rabbithole during the movie’s screentime. As we follow Mark’s first falling-down episode resulting in him having a long drinking spree, he returns to find their young son Bob alone in the apartment eating jam from the fridge, and everything is a mess. According to the child, he’s been alone for days! Yep, the poor kid should’ve been placed in foster care a long time ago. Instead, Mark decides to become the primary caregiver since his soon-to-be ex-wife appears to be so busy fucking around that she can’t even watch over her own child. Mark even decides to visit her so-called loverboy Heinrich, a sleazy, flamboyant new-age dude who lives with his old mom and claims to love everyone. Alright then…Mark decides to show him the “love“ of his own fist before leaving, and then goes home to Anna and gives her a beating too. Did I mention at this point that Bob should’ve been placed in foster care a long time ago..? Jesus Christ…and here’s a not-so-fun fact: the scene with Bob being alone was actually directly inspired by the director’s own divorce where he found his five year old son alone in the apartment with jam smeared all over this face, as his ex-wife had left him alone for several hours.
Now, if you thought at this point that this movie is a thriller with a fucked-up love triangle involving some fucked up people, you’d be wrong again. Because Anna still has her secrets, and not even loverboy Heinrich has a clue what she’s up to most of the time. Mark decides to hire a private detective to find out where Anna is going, and at an address located in a derelict apartment building she’s having another secret…one that looks like it escaped the set of some kind of Lovecraftian sci-fi horror movie and got itself tangled up in a messed-up relationship drama instead.
Possession is a psychological horror drama film from 1981, directed by Andrzej Żuławski and co-written with Frederic Tuten. It was an international co-production between France and West Germany, filmed in West Berlin in 1980. Żuławski’s idea for the film came during his own divorce, which was apparently a very painful one, and he was in a deep depression while working on the script. And yeah…it’s easy to see that a lot of the scenes must indeed be inspired by a difficult breakup, where a life is shattered into pieces and family relations are forever changed. There’s also some metaphors regarding the Cold War-era West Berlin, with the wall still present and we see it a lot during this film, providing an excellent symbol of how something once connected is now completely separated. You could probably not choose a better location for a split-up movie like this.
Possession is without a doubt one of those movies where you’ll often find yourself questioning what actually happens, and what is the result of the character’s shattered mind. And there’s no doubt that the performances here are really out of this world, with so much unhinged insanity that even Jack’s performance in The Shining is rivaled. Mark (played by Sam Neill) and Anna (played by Isabelle Adjani) are doing these performances so well that I can easily imagine that they would have been completely exhausted afterwards. Apparently, it was in fact very emotionally exhausting for Adjani, and during an interview she admitted that it had taken her “several years to recover“ from her performance in the film. It was even rumored that she had an attempted suicide after the filming was over, something Żuławski later confirmed to be true. Yikes! And while Sam Neill didn’t have too much lasting trauma from the experience, he said that I think I only just escaped that film with my sanity barely intact…
Naturally, it didn’t take long after its release until the movie got banned in the UK as one of those beloved video nasties, and in the US it was heavily edited as an 81-minute version (the original version is 2 hours and 4 minutes). It also didn’t get very positive reception, but has later gained a cult following.
While this movie’s most famous scene is “that subway scene“, I’d have to say that I think there are a lot of “that scene“ moments here. Carlo Rambaldi, an Italian special effects artists who also made the animatronic head in Alien, assisted in the creation of the creature that’s featured in the film which does of course look pretty great, and while I already knew about the creature/monster before watching the film, I was really not prepared for all the frenzied hysteria that is all over the place! If I were to even try making a summarized version of all the craziness and metaphors (both the obvious ones and the ones I perceived) I’d probably be writing about this movie until next year. Possession is one of those rare movies that do not only have a story about mad people, the film itself actually feels mad! We’re all mad here, as the Cheshire cat would’ve said. So I’ll stop here, and simply say that If you want something unpredictable and totally nuts, give this one a watch!
End note: Possession is a movie that was a rare thing to come across in the time after its release, at least in its uncut form. It wasn’t until much later that you could get your hands on it. It’s gotten several DVD and Blu-ray releases, and is also available now on several streaming sites. In 2024 there was also an Indonesian remake of the film called Possession: Kerasukan, and there’s also been talk about an American remake with Parker Finn (Smile and Smile 2) as the director.
Director: Andrzej Zulawski Writers: Andrzej Zulawski, Frederic Tuten Country & year: France/West Germany, 1981 Actors: Isabelle Adjani, Sam Neill, Margit Carstensen, Heinz Bennent, Johanna Hofer, Carl Duering, Shaun Lawton, Michael Hogben, Maximilian Rüthlein, Thomas Frey, Leslie Malton, Gerd Neubert IMDb:https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0082933/
Once upon a time in North Korea there was this dictator, Kim Jong Il, mostly known for being the blueprint archetype for the evil final boss in a Far Cry game. Big boss Kim was also a huge movie buff, a true cinemaphile who owned up to 20,000 films. Rambo, Raiders of the Lost Arc, Friday the 13th, and, of course, kaiju movies like Godzilla, were some of his favorite films. But when it came to North Korean films, there wasn’t much to be impressed by, as they all were mostly boring duds made for propaganda.
Then there was this famous South Korean film director, Sang-ok Shin, “The Prince of Korean Films“ as he was called. And Kim had an eye for him. This was his Steven Spielberg, so to speak. So, in order to produce some more profitable movies in North Korea, big boss Kim took the easy way to get Shin kidnapped to be hold in “house arrest” (just to put it nicely) in North Korea where he was forced to make movies. Plain and simple. This was between 1978 and 1986 after he managed to escape to the US.
If this alone sounds totally bananas, this is just the tip of the iceberg of this absurd saga. So, here’s a complicated story, which could have been an insane movie by itself, cut simple: it all started with a kidnapping in Hong Kong, not by Shin, but by the actress Choi Eun-Hee. The year was 1978 and the actress was the ex-wife of Sang-ok Shin and the favorite actress of big boss Kim. When Shin flew to Hong Kong to search for her, he got assaulted by some agents under the orders of, guess who, the big boss Kim, who brought him back to Mordor, I mean North Korea. The cinemaphile that Kim was, opened a brand new movie studio with 700 employees/slaves where Shin was forced to make films. Several starred his ex-wife. Yes, she was alive. The films weren’t seen by anyone, maybe expect for some few lucky people in the country that were actually allowed to. Most people didn’t even knew what a movie theater was. And that didn’t put any cash in Kim’s pockets. Showbiz is tough, even in North Korea. What a shocker. So now what?
Then 1984 came with The Return of Godzilla, which became a smash success in Japan. Big boss Kim saw the movie and said to Shin while sitting with his high heels and eating chocolate pudding: I also want one! Now! Alright, then. Here’s Pulgasari for you, an absurd, goofy Godzilla-clone ordered straight from Temu (even before Temu). Happy now, big boss Kim? Can I and my ex-wife go home now? Please? This was a big international co-production with China and Japan and was meant to be the big magnum opus for North Korean cinema. Toho Studio was actually involved here. Yes, in Mordor, I mean North Korea. Must have been some blackmailing going on here, ’cause that the film was made and finished under its bat-shit crazy circumstances is a miracle by itself.
The plot for Pulgasari goes like this: We’re somewhere in the 1300s North Korea where the peasants and farm people are living under tyranny by an evil king. No shit. The time period could as well be set in 1985, even in the present day of 2026, and there wouldn’t be much difference. The evil king forces a small village to hand over all of their metal so he can make weapons. As the blacksmith, Takse, refuses to forge the weapons for the king, he gets shoved into a muddy prison cage to die of starvation. His daughter Ami tosses some rise into his cage, and here it’s when it gets interesting: instead of eating the rise, he mixes it with mud and makes a kaiju action figure out of it. After Takse dies, his daughter takes the figure, sticks a needle in her finger and drops her blood on it, and it then comes to life. She names it Pulgasari. And Pulgasari is a sight to behold. The creature grows from a cute n’ cuddly goofy-looking puppet, to Bowser from Super Mario Bros, just without the shell, and the red hair.
Pulgasari’s favorite food is metal. And the more he eats, the bigger he gets. The peasants now have a perfect weapon to fight against the evil king and his empire. And the most ironic thing here is that this is actually an uplifting story about fighting against tyranny — in the forbidden country of North Korea, while at the same time being produced by a tyrant. Bruh… Ami, who basically gave birth to the monster, also gets held hostage by the king, which gives Pulgasari a bigger motivation to destroy the evil empire.
So what we basically have is a messy, clunky, chaotic and tone-deaf circus show with lots of crazy things going on, where I’d also guess that the safety standards were nonexistent. Around 10,000 soldiers were used as extras here who risked their lives as they got attacked by dozens of rolling fireballs. 3.5 million people in North Korea died of starvation a few years after big boss Kim produced his masterpiece, so I would assume that he is just maybe the kind of guy who couldn’t give a fuck less if some actors got seriously hurt or killed during the filming. Roll camera, hope for the best and rest in piece in advance, just in case.
The film isn’t completely hopeless though. The Japanese company Toho was as mentioned involved, which also made the rubber costume of Pulgasari. Inside the costume was Kenpachirô Satsuma, a veteran known for being Godzilla in a laundry list of movies. Pulgasari has lots of screentime where he spits fireballs and destroys miniature buildings. The classic stuff. And if you expect the film to land on a more conventional ending, well — SPOILER WARNING — After Pulgasari saves Ami and wipes off the tyranny, they don’t know what to do with him. He doesn’t get any smaller, and metal is his only food. So… looks like someone just has to euthanize the poor thing before he becomes a serious new threat. The solution? Ami hides in a bell where she waits for Pulgasari to eat her. After doing so, he have the oh shit, what did I just do?-look on his face before quickly imploding and falling apart into dust. But there is actually one more little special and magical moment after that which I won’t spoil.
The aftermath of the whole epic spectacle is a chapter in itself, but there is actually a positive ending here. Shin Sang-ok and his ex-wife got remarried after a suggestion from big boss Kim himself. Then came the time to sell Pulgasari to the world. Yes, outside of North Korea. And during a film festival in Vienna, Shin and his wife finally managed to escape and seek asylum in the US where he made some low-budget ninja films under the pseudonym of Simon S. Sheen. In 1996, he was the executive producer on Galgameth, an American fantasy film for kids, based on Pulgasari. Big boss Kim, on the other hand, was pissed. So pissed that he buried all of Shin’s movies, including Pulgasari, even though he called it a masterpiece. However, the film somehow survived, and in 1996 it was put on the silver screen for the first time in Tokyo, where it was a success that even outperformed the American remake of Godzilla (1998). Pulgasari wasn’t as lucky in South Korea where it sold under 10,000 tickets. Some other sources say that Kim Junior, the son of big boss Kim, is a big fan of of the film and tried to sell the film internationally himself at one time, which went nowhere.
And all that said, it comes at no surprise that there’s no official release of the film. The only thing to grab it on are DVD-bootlegs. It’s not exactly in HD, but still looks better than the AI filter version that’s available on YouTube.
Director: Shin Sang-ok Writer: Se Ryun Kim Country & year: North Korea/Japan/China, 1985 Actors: Son Hui Chang, Ham Gi Sop, Jong-uk Ri, Gwon Ri, Gyong-ae Yu, Hye-chol Ro, Sang-hun Tae, Gi-chon Kim, In-chol Ri and about 10.000 of involuntary extras IMDb: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0089851/
Hairmetal, blood, freezing titties, avalanche in the snowy hills that have eyes, and a dude that looks like George Lucas. Here we go!
This obscure little odd The Hills Have Eyes ripoff from söta bror Sweden starts off with some mean drunk guy who, one late night, comes home to beat his wife and four kids. And this is not the first time as the wife finally has had enough and stabs him to death with a kitchen knife. The wife takes the kids with her as they run away into the thick ’80s movie fog.
Then we jump to forty years later in the year of 1985 where a random narrator says: For the next 40 years, the family hid out in the middle of nowhere. Now, intruders are on their way. Uuhm…ok. We’re at the snowy mountains in Sweden where the glam rock band, Solid Gold, are about to shoot some scenes for a music video. And what’s the title of this song? Take a guess.
― ♪ The horror you fear, You can’t let it go, It’s already there, You’re all much too slow, BLOOD TRAAACKS..!♫
And if a hair metal band with stagefright could cause an avalanche, I’d bet that Motörhead would cause Mount Everest to collapse like a house of cards. And as the title suggests, there are no blood tracks to be seen here, at least not in the snow. A couple who has some sex in a volvo gets snowed in. The woman eventually gets pulled out, buck naked. Brrr! I’m gonna freeze my tits off! So, now that the scenes have been wrapped up, what’s next? The band, roadcrew and the groupies take shelter in a cabin. The soundguy from the filmcrew goes for an exploration where he enters a big abandoned factory. And in that place lives the mother and the group of children we saw at the beginning, who’s ready to kill anyone who dares to enter. The mother hasn’t aged a day during the four decades though. She must have some great genes, like a certain Sweeney. Couldn’t say the same thing about some of her kids, who looks like pizza-faced mutants from Tromaville. As the soundguy goes missing, the rest of the crew starts looking for him, which eventually leads them, one by one, into the factory to be bodycounted. So there you have it. A dumb premise for a dumb formulaic slasher which we have seen a thousand times already, even in 1985. But fun dumb, at that.
Blood Tracks, or Blodspår, is written and directed by Mats Helge Olsson, Sweden’s answer to Claudio Fragasso/Bruno Mattei, if you will ― the same guy who made The Ninja Mission(1984), Russian Terminator (1989) aka The Russian Ninja and Spökligan (1987), a very early childhood favorite of mine. And just like some of his other films, this one is dubbed to English by some wooden legs. It’s not as fun/bad as some of the films mentioned, but you’ll have your chuckles.
Solid Gold is played by the Swedish band Easy Action, and if you expect them to be the heroes, last boys standing cuz you can’t kill rock n’ roll, you’d be disappointed. The band members are barely acting here though. They’re mostly shoved in the background where they get drunk on whisky as alcohol was a demand to have on set because of nervousness… or because that’s just rock n’ roll, baby! Some of them were lucky enough to shoot some quick sex scenes, where I wouldn’t be too surprised if they were so wasted and coked-up that they, at some point, thought they were in a porn film. Nu ska vi knulla! Oh, well. The little we hear of the themesong could be a catchy fat ’80s earworm which was never fully recorded to be released to one of the albums, like Dokken’s Dream Warriors or Alice Cooper’s The Man Behind the Mask, since they seem to be more ashamed to be a part of this film. Boohoo…
And yeah, we have some fun kills here, which includes a severed head, bodies impaled on spikes, a bitten-out eyeball, death by fire, a woman getting sliced in half, some cheesy bear-hugging wrestling fights, and more. Fun fluffy drunk ’80s schlock from start to finish. And of course, then we have the bizarre George Lucas-lookalike, as if he was still location scouting for the Hoth scenes. Wrong country, bud. Blood Tracks is available on Blu-ray from Vinegar Syndrome/DiabolikDVD. Even though I don’t have a copy, as for now, it’s fair to mention that there have been some angry complaints about the audio on that release, so… just be aware. And if you follow the right blood tracks on Tubi, you may also be lucky.
Director: Mats Helge Olsson Writers: Mats Helge Olsson, Anna Wolf Country & year: Sweden/UK, 1985 Actors: Jeff Harding, Michael Fitzpatrick, Naomi Kaneda, Brad Powell, Peter Merrill, Harriet Robinson, Tina Shaw, Frances Kelly, Karina Lee, Helena Jacks IMDb: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0088827/
We start off with some strange voodoo ritual of some kind, where a couple seems to be participating in a ritual involving their son. What the purpose of this ritual is remains to be discovered, as we quickly go further ahead in time, where we meet Cal Jamison. He is a psychologist who seems to live a perfect and happy life together with his wife Lisa and their young son Chris. Until he and their son both witness her gruesome death by an everyday object, Final Destination-style. After this traumatizing incident, he relocates with his son to New York City where he starts working as a police psychologist. And he quickly gets busy with work, as the city has been plagued by what appears to be some occult and ritualistic murders, involving the deaths of young children. A policeman named Tom Lopez is in total hysteria mode when he claims that the ones behind the murders has gotten their hands on his badge, a personal item which he thinks might give them power over him and make terrible things happen.Cal is, of course, called to examine the superstitious and terrified policeman, but he soon finds out that there really is some nasty occult shit happening around here by some kind of Hispanic cult. And what’s worse…it’s all getting way too close to both him and his son.
The Believers is a neo-noir thriller horror film directed by John Schlesinger with screenplay by Mark Frost. It is based on a novel by Nicholas Conde from 1982, called The Religion.
Even though Hollywood seemed to have lost interest in Satanic-themed horror movies after the 70’s (which gave hits like The Exorcist and The Omen), there was still the Satanic Panic in full bloom where people literally thought there were ritualistic murders and abuse all over the place. While this movie does not portray the hysteria over those conspiracies of Satanic ritual abuse, it’s still a movie that came at a time when these (unfounded) fears were the real shit. And just mix it in with some kind of Caribbean voodoo religion instead, and with the classic message of how wealthy “yuppies“ would be willing to call upon dark forces in order to achieve even more wealth, then you have a typical occult film about sacrifices and evil people committing to evil gods.
Already from the get-go, you realize that this isn’t going to be one of those easy happy-going movies. The opening with Lisa’s death comes quite unexpected, with what was initially such a feelgood happy moment. I was wondering if this was something the movie would pull off more often, lulling you into a sense of peace while whamming you with some unexpected death or horrific event. And to be honest, while nothing similar happens later on, the movie does manage to surprise you a little bit with some of the upcoming events. There’s several characters that we are getting introduced to, which keeps us guessing as to what their intentions are. The power this cult seems to have over everyone carries a little bit of the “curse“ formula in horror movies, where once you’ve been touched by it, you’re doomed. And they don’t need much in order to make you suffer, it’s enough for them to get their hands on a personal items of yours, and you’ll suddenly be having snakes slithering around in your guts. Yes, literally. While this movie is by no means any kind of bloody gorefest, there are some nasty scenes here and there. My favorite is the one that involves a hexed makeup powder puff. Ugh!
There is a bit of slow pacing here and there, but nothing serious as it quickly picks it up again. Some of the drama between father and son does come off as a little bit much at times and I didn’t really care much for it, but that’s just my opinion. Overall the movie manages to keep you engaged throughout, despite a runtime of nearly two hours. And one thing I really liked was how the movie often used shots from obvious lower class suburban areas, giving it a more realistic feel in regards to how one could imagine a Santeria cult operating in the outskirts.
The Believers could have been much more gritty and dark than it is, and it often appeared that it wished to be without really hitting that mark. Still, it’s an entertaining supernatural thriller, which fits well in with the Satanic Panic of the 80’s.
Fun fact: the film influenced the “Narcosatanist“ cult leader Adolfo Constanzo (Adolfo de Jesús Constanzo) who ran a drug-smuggling cult in Mexico that practiced human sacrifice. Apparently, the movie was used to indoctrinate new followers.
Director: John Schlesinger Writer: Mark Frost Country & year: USA, 1987 Actors: Martin Sheen, Helen Shaver, Harley Cross, Robert Loggia, Elizabeth Wilson, Harris Yulin, Lee Richardson, Richard Masur, Carla Pinza, Jimmy Smits, Raúl Dávila, Malick Bowens IMDb:www.imdb.com/title/tt0092632/
– Funerals, bad marriages, lost loves, lonely beds. That’s our diet. We suck that misery and find it sweet. We search for more, always. ― Mr. Dark
As the 1980s came, The Walt Disney Mouse had reached the puberty/goth phase and wanted to break free from the family-friendly image to focus on more “mature“ films. Mickey pulled pretty much a Miley Cyrus, you might say. The mouse still kept the tongue in its mouth though. And after the mouse dipped its toes into the more dark fantasy territory with The Watcher in the Woods (1980), he decided to take it a step further with Something Wicked This Way Comes, based on the novel by Ray Bradbury. Also, this time, a director with a horror background, Jack Clayton, got hired who directed the box-office success The Innocents back in 1961. Bradbury himself wrote the screenplay.
This was the first and last genuine horror film from Disney, although I’d say that Return to Oz (1985) is pretty close to being in the same category.
Something Wicked This Way Comes starts with a wicked foreshadowing and sinister tone as the title suggests, where we see a locomotive in the dark distance coming towards us during the opening credits, heavily spiced-up with a wicked score by James Horner. Something wicked is on its way, that’s for sure. This was my very first gateway horror, so yeah, that opening scene alone made an impression on my early ghoulish childbrain.
It’s October, the weather is crisp, the year is 1920 and the place is the quiet and peaceful little Green Town in Illinois, shot in the beautiful countryside of Vermont. We meet the two young boys, Will Halloway (Vidal Peterson) and Jim Nightshade (Shawn Carson), who’s been best friends even before they were born. Nothing much happens in the town, until one October night a train can be heard in the distance. But that’s not just a train; it’s the train of Mr. Dark’s Pandemonium carnival. Will and Jim eagerly run after the train, which miraculously has turned into the carnival itself in a matter of some seconds. Uhm…did we miss something? Yes, we actually did, which I’ll come back to. The exploration gets cut short when the boys get spooked away by a big spider in one of the trailers, where also the Dust Witch (Pam Grier) sits in the shadows.
As they return the next day, it all just looks like a plain, ordinary boring carnival. I agree. Cuz where’s the haunted house, The Satan’s Den? There’s a mirror-maze over there. So? I wanna see some ghosts, not a bunch of mirrors! Oh, you will see some spooky shit soon, just you wait. The whole town is there, even Will and Jim’s mousy old teacher Miss Foley. When they sneak into a closed area to discover the classic horse carousel, they get grabbed by Mr. Cooger and handed over to Mr. Dark (Jonathan Pryce) ― a charismatic British magician who fits his name, just like Ritchie Blackmore. If he was a German, his name would be Herr Dunkel! And there’s nothing shady about him. Just look at his kind eyes and the cheerful smirk. Well, he’s kind enough to let them go with a warning and gives them a free ticket to the horses when it gets reopened.
The boys hide to see what’s going on after closing time, and spies on Mr. Dark and Cooger as they do a test run on the horses. And what in the actual tarnation… the carousel goes backwards and reverses Cooger into a little boy that would fit right in with the children of the corn. And, well… this is just a taste of Mr. Dark’s shenanigans. It’s also been ages since I read the book, but I can say that there’s some striking similarities to find in Stephen King’s Needful Things (1993). Townspeople there start to disappear after they’ve made some of their deepest, delusional wishes and unfulfilled desires, buried by time and dust, to come true ― granted by none other than Mr. Dark. And with the wishes comes a price/curse. Old Miss Foley wishes to be young and beautiful again. As she looks in the mirror and transforms into a twenty-five-year-old blonde, she loses her sight where “Looks can be deceiving“ gives a new brutal, ironic twist. And like the hardcore malignant narcissist that Mr. Dark is, who feeds on other people’s suffering, what’s better than to grant someone wishes and, at the same time, make them handicapped to live in a mental prison so they can never enjoy the magical fix? How wicked! A porn-addict would get a collection of all the porn magazines, but have both hands paralyzed so he can’t masturbate. Oof. The ultimate endgame is that it will be a thousand years to next Christmas. Fine with me, as long as we have Halloween.
We also have the son/dad relationship between Will and his dad, Charles (Jason Robards), who’s getting eaten alive by guilt and shame when he couldn’t save his son from drowning in a river when he was little. Instead, Jim’s dad had to step in. An incident that broke him as he talks much about death and dying, and that three AM is The Soul’s Midnight, where many people die. And then he means old people, of course. He’s the town’s librarian and maybe reads a lot of Edgar Allan Poe. Yes, dad is depressed while he smokes cigars like a chimney, has a bad heart, and Will just wishes he could be happy. But the thing is that he’s pretty old, and cutting the cigar and not smoking yourself to emphysema would be a nice start before you say to your son that Just tell me that I will live forever. Then I’ll be happy. But if dad couldn’t save his son back then, he gets a new chance when Will and Jim is getting caught in the web of Mr. Dark.
So, what we have here is a mix different layers like coming-of-age, on both sides, acceptance of mortality, to the bitter and shallow greediness where only thing counts in the end: What’s inside. Too mature for the kids to fully grasp and not so scary for the older audience. Caught between a rock and a hard place. That said, on the surface, there’s a lot to enjoy in Something Wicked. The overall atmosphere reeks of dead leaves where the crisp colorful autumn scenery is like watching a classic oil painting coming to life. Jason Robards, and at the time a relatively unknown Jonathan Pryce as Mr. Dark does a great combo as Good vs Evil, where their scene in the library is pretty intense just on a psychological angle alone. And no one rips books apart in a more classy way than Mr. Dark as each glowing page represents one lost year after the other of Mr. Halloway’s life. It’s also worth mentioning that Stan Winston is an uncredited effect-maker here, where he was behind a memorable scene at the end where Mr. Dark is having an extreme ghoulish makeover. Unfortunately, some of it was cut as it got too realistic. Well, that’s Stan Winston for you. Man, I hope we get to see all these deleted scenes one day, but I think that train has vanished into the lost media realm a long time ago.
Several other scenes that included some of the earliest uses of CGI combined with animation were cut from the film. Such as the scene where Mr. Dark’s carnival train arrives and becomes the carnival as it enfolds and builds itself up while the boys are witnessing the paranormal spectacle. The effects were made by the team who had recently worked on Tron (1982). But since it wasn’t convincing enough, we just have to use the imagination like when one of the boys says but how could it…
And then we have the scene where Mr. Dark uses his magic to make a green-glowing mist follow after the boys. The original idea was to have a big ghostly disembodied hand to reach for the boys inside their house. Since the effect wasn’t realistic enough, there was plan B: Spiders! A lot of spiders. Of course. And there’s no surprise that the two young actors would prefer the ghost hand instead of a chaotic shoot with 200 tarantulas. But like we always say: that’s showbiz.
Speaking of showbiz: Something Wicked This Way Comes was a pretty wicked production filled with bumps, hiccups and fights, that makes for some juicy stuff for the trivia section. Writer Ray Bradbury and director Jack Clayton wanted to stay as faithful to the novel as possible, while Disney wanted a more accessible, family-friendly film. And there you already have the door wide open for conflicts, bullshit and headaches. Jack Clayton was also notoriously hard to work with, and I doubt that working with drunk madman Sam Peckinpah would be much easier, who was considered to direct the film in the 1970s. After a disastrous test-screening, Disney fired the original editor, got rid of the original score by Georges Delerue, amped up the budget of 4 million, spent several months of polishing and hired James Horner to make a new score. A new narration was inserted, and the whole third act was re-shot along with the opening. The original score was scrapped because it was too dark — which is pretty baffling considering that Disney decided to keep the shot where we see one of the boys getting his head chopped off by a guillotine, with blood and all. And what could be too dark when you already have a villain called Mr. Dark? Huh… Disney Mouse was surely in an identity crisis here, but that comes with puberty. While all this sounds just like a normal day at the Marvel Studios (from the last five, six years), these movies from the Disney-after-dark era actually turned up to be surprisingly good that still holds up, despite the behind-the-scenes turmoils and bad box-offices. Bradbury also referred to the film’s final cut as “not a great film, no, but a decently nice one.“
Something Wicked is on Blu-ray, but from I’ve heard, it’s the same quality from the DVD’s, with no bonus content. The film has been a rarity for many years and got just recently its first streaming release on Disney+. Another rarity I have to mention, is the bizarre, zero-budget and somewhat trippy amateur film adaptation from 1972, made by the British underground filmmaker Colin Finbow. Watching this on LSD with headphones is maybe the best way.
Director: Jack Clayton Writer: Ray Bradbury Country & year: USA, 1983 Actors: Jonathan Pryce, Jason Robards, Vidal Peterson, Shawn Carson, Royal Dano, Pam Grier, Mary Grace Canfield, Bruce M. Fischer, Richard Davalos, Jake Dengel, Ellen Geer, Diane Ladd IMDb:https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0086336/
Moon’s fuller than usual tonight, says the old alcoholic uncle Ned, as he and his nephew Larry are driving the big Satan’s Den truck to a carnival. The same night, we also see a man running through the woods from a group of Satanic cult members with three ghoulies trapped in a sack bag. He hides in an empty gas station where he dumps the ghoulies in a gallon of toxic waste. The man falls down into the waste himself when he suddenly gets attacked by a bat ghoulie. Not only one or two, but FOUR ghoulies rise from the toxic waste, just because, to make sure that we’ll have a fun, cheesy and entertaining sequel for the whole family. And the kids should know by now that there are no monsters in the toilet, unless you happen to live in Australia. We also get introduced to a new type of ghoulie here, the Toad Ghoulie. Uncle Ned and Larry stop by the station where the little rascals hide in the truck, and something wicked this way comes to a carnival not so far away.
The carnival is an economic crisis, and all the attractions that don’t make any profit during the upcoming weekend will be closed down. And all of us ghouls can agree that a carnival without a haunted house is not a carnival. And if The Satan’s Den goes, it will be replaced with a ladies’ mud wrestling tent. Meh. The young and smug businessman, Philip Hardin, who owns the carnival with his company and thinks he’s Tom Cruise from Risky Business, will make sure of that. The trio who runs the haunted house, Uncle Ned, Larry and the littleman Sir Nigel, has a lot of work to do. Well, that goes for Larry and Nigel, as Uncle Ned is drunk all the time and believes everything will be solved by magic. Try black magic instead. Oops, someone already did. And that leads us to the ghoulies who are hiding somewhere in the Den, waiting eagerly for the audience to show up so they can have some kill counts.
Ghoulies II is this time directed by Albert Band, the dad of Charles and composer Richard, and this is probably the most polished film in the franchise. There’s also a couple of known faces here like veteran Royal Dano as drunk Ned, and Phil Fondacaro as Nigel, who looks like a shrunken Frank Miller in his older years. Even though the acting here is better than the first one, the rest of the cast are NPC’s, and the romance sideplots are just dead meat to flush down the toilet for the sewer rats. The good news is that the ghoulies themselves have far more screentime here both in form of puppetry and stop-motion by David Allen. The tone is also way more consistent with its blend of comedy and light-hearted silly horror where the carnival-setting amps up the fun-factor and some extra cozy/charming nostalgic atmosphere.
The film also works fine as an isolated watch as it has no connections with the first. The same can be said about Ghoulies III: Ghoulies Go to College. And that one is actually what it sounds like: the ghoulies gets drunk on a college campus, filled with cringe humor and as little horror elements as possible where the only one missing is Pauly Shore. Haven’t seen the fourth one yet.
Director: Albert Band Writers: Danny Bilson, Dennis Paoli Country & year: USA, 1987 Actors: Damon Martin, Royal Dano, Phil Fondacaro, J. Downing, Kerry Remsen, Dale Wyatt, Jon Pennell, Sasha Jenson, Starr Andreeff, William Butler, Donnie Jeffcoat, Christopher Burton IMDb: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0093091/
It’s been some years since the great white sharks terrorized Amity Island, and the son of police chief Brody (Mike) has now grown up and works as a chief engineer at SeaWorld Orlando together with his girlfriend Kathryn, who is a biologist. The park’s main attractions are the new underwater tunnels, which allows people a great view of the undersea life. Sounds fun, right? Well, not so much when a great white shark manages to enter while the park’s lagoon gates are stuck open. No one knows yet, of course, but the park’s dolphins shows signs of distress and are afraid of going out into the lagoon. The first victim is the mechanic who dives into the water to repair the gates, and while the shark has started its feasting, Mike and his girlfriend are not aware of any dangers.
