1980s horror movies – Horror Ghouls

Butcher, Baker, Nightmare Maker (1981)

Posted on July 18, 2025 by HorrorGhouls

Here we have a lost little gem that was buried among the endless wave of the 80s formulaic slasher craze, and was rediscovered eons later. And with a strange nursery rhyme’ish title like Butcher Baker, Nightmare Maker, it’s not too easy knowing what to expect. Then we also have the alternative VHS title Night Warning and that blood-drenched poster with the shortened title Butcher Baker. Not to mention the slightly cryptic trailer posted below. So… is this about a mad cocaine-snorting butcher who terrorizes vegans in their dreams, or something? I’m almost tempted to just say yes… ha-ha.

The film centers around the not-so-healthy relationship between aunt Cheryl (Susan Tyrrell) and her nephew Billy (Jimmy McNichol). She once adopted him after his parents died in a brutal Final Destination-style car accident, the most graphic moment in the film as the breaks suddenly won’t work and the car rolls in towards a log truck. The outcome speaks for itself. Now, in the present day, Billy is soon to have his 17th birthday and plans to move to the University of Denver after he gets offered an athletic scholarship. Good news, right? Not for aunt Cheryl, not in the slightest. Because Cheryl wants her baby-boy all to herself. And because she’s sacrificed everything for him, he now owes her, said no one but Cheryl. Yes, she’s one of those with her own dusty copy of Guilt-Trip Textbook for Narcissistic Parents, finally ready to come into use. Run and never, ever look back. Easier said than done when Cheryl has done her part of grooming him into believing that crossing over some intimate boundaries, that would get everyone’s skin crawling, is completely normal. Her delusion and borderline fantasy world that she’s built up in her sick head over the many years starts to crack fully open when she finally realizes that he’s also moving to the university with his girlfriend, Julia.

So, in order to cope and not let the mask slip, while she actually let the mask fall off completely at turbo-speed, she gets into panic mode and tries to seduce Phil, the TV operator. Because she needs a new man in her life, and she needs one now! And things go completely off the rails from here on as the mating ritual (for lack of a better term) ends up with Cheryl grabbing a kitchen knife and making a bloody mess by stabbing the guy to death. And in comes Billy. This is also his 17th birthday, and all. Yay! “He tried to rape me“, she screams hysterically. And the Earth is flat. Another one who doesn’t buy that story, but for whole other reasons, is the detective Jo Carlson (Bo Svensson). Because Phil was in a secret gay relationship with Billy’s baseball coach, Tom, and detective Carlson suspects Billy to have been in a threesome relationship with these two. He has some valid reasons to actually believe that though. But Carlson is first and foremost a dedicated homophobe and a pompous sociopath who only views Billy as a worthless fag who he’d love to throw in jail. In the meantime, Cheryl is in a full mental collapse as she cuts her hair, starts to poison Billy’s milk with strong sedatives to keep him bedridden, and declares war on everyone who dares coming in her way to keep Billy for herself.

It must be said that the film is far from as gory as the impression may give. Butcher Baker was added on the overhyped joke-list in Britain that is the Video Nasty where it’s easy to assume that it was banned just because of the poster alone, not so unlikely what happened with The Driller Killer (1979) after this cover art was used on the VHS release. The film was also banned in Norway, my home country. So with that being said, this is not your typical straight-forward teen-slasher, but more of a morbid psychological drama sprinkled with taboo and touchy subjects that will be as fresh and relevant until the end of mankind. While the subjects itself are dark and disturbing enough, the tone and execution is way more whackier, if not bonkers, than it maybe should be. But somehow it works. One can analyze the deeper meanings and themes that lies under the surface to the next nuclear winter, but the most important here is that Butcher Baker, Nightmare Maker is overall an amusing, entertaining semi-slasher with some great eccentric energy. Much thanks is to Susan Tyrrell as the mentally unhinged and raving mad aunt Cheryl. She gives a pretty unique, zany and explosive performance to such a threatening level that I bet that the co-actors must have felt seriously intimidated by her. And I can’t unsee the Mia Goth likeness. She’d be perfect in a Butcher, Baker, Nightmare ReMaker. Bo Svensson as detective Carlson also made me chuckle at some moments, because he’s so over-the-top stereotypical and full of burning hatred against gay people that’s it’s almost comical. Chill.

Butcher Baker is on Blu-ray from Severin Films, and for time being, on Tubi.

Director: William Asher
Writers: Steve Breimer, Alan Jay Glueckman, Boon Collins
Also known as: Night Warning, Butcher Baker
Country & year: USA, 1981
Actors: Jimmy McNichol, Susan Tyrrell, Bo Svenson, Marcia Lewis, Julia Duffy, Britt Leach, Steve Eastin
IMDb: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0082813/

Robowar (1988)

Posted on July 11, 2025 by HorrorGhouls

This Italian-produced Predator ripoff starts in the midst of a full-blown bulletstorm mayhem in the jungle of the Philippines, and a group of commandos are sent to the green inferno to see what the hell is going on. We meet the four trigger-happy testosterone-filled walking ballsacks with the colorful code names Killzone, Blood, Papa, Diddy Bop and Quiang. And together they make the team called BAM, which stands for (yeah, you already guessed it) Bad Ass Motherfuckers. Can’t get more 1980s than that. They stumble upon fresh-fried corpses as they explore the territories. They rescue a damsel-in-distress from getting chased by a group of horny guerrillas. She is a young, blond nurse who goes by the name… Virgin. Sounds like she’s in the wrong movie, no?

Anyway – As they go deeper in the jungle, things start to smell more cheesy, as they’re getting hunted by an alien-looking killer robot, called ~~Predator~~ Omega One. He’s a high-tech renegade humanoid who shoots the deadliest lasers through an arm cannon and wears a silly costume where a biker helmet was used to give him the flair of RoboCop, another well-known film you’ve maybe heard of. Instead, we have just another thick layer of cheese. Now it starts to smell. And his appearance is as intimidating as…someone who has dressed up to attend a Halloween party at the local gay bar. To build up some suspense and tension, we see from his POV perspective through his lousy, low-pixelated sensor while he mumbles gibberish like a demented Indian scammer on crack cocaine. So, come get some!

Robowar is directed by schlock maestro of Italian Trash Cinema Bruno Mattei (here under his most used pseudonym as Vincent Dawn), written by the couple Rosetta Drudi and Claudio Fragasso. Fragasso also got the honor of playing the RoboPredator, which made him faint two times during the shoot due to the extreme heat. Claudio Fragasso also did the most Claudio Fragasso thing to shoot a random sequence without zero context to the rest of the film. Of course. Robowar was originally meant to just be a Vietnam-war film, inspired by Apocalypse Now (1979), shot in the hot n’ sticky Philippines and all, but when Mattei saw Predator during a lunch break, he did what he usually did: put in elements of said film to cash in on its current success. And we can only imagine what the film would look like if he had also played Contra. That being said, Mattei had already made the war film Commando Strike the year before, also in the Philippines, where I guess the leftovers of ammo, cheese, testosterone and set-designs to blow up were enough to fill Robowar. Mattei also made Commando Strike 2 the same year, aka Trappola diabolica. So yeah, Signor Mattei sure got to make his epic war films, one of which by coincidence became a Predator ripoff, and one of the mockbuster films I bet that The Asylum wish they had made some 30 years ago. And that alone says it all.

Some quoteworthy (white) lines:

– Fuck it, Diddy. Quit moving around like you’re jerking off, you’re making me seasick.

– Why do they have nicknames?
– You should know what the group is called. “BAM”.
– BAM?
– Big Ass Motherfuckers!

– Drug addicts and fags. I bet they got AIDS too, huh, Quang?

– Technology hasn’t got feelings! (I bet that Jason Blum does not agree on that one, bwhahahahaha…!)

Director: Bruno Mattei
Writers: Claudio Fragasso, Rossella Drudi
Original title: Robot da guerra
Country & year: Italy/Philippines, 1988
Actors: Reb Brown, Catherine Hickland, Massimo Vanni, Romano Puppo, Claudio Fragasso, Luciano Pigozzi, Max Laurel, Jim Gaines, John P. Dulaney, Mel Davidson
IMDb: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0096000/

Crawlspace (1986)

Posted on April 25, 2025 by HorrorGhouls

– You’re just inches away from a fate worse than death. And that is directing Klaus Kinski!

It should be a big red flag when you have an old weirdo named Karl Gunther who owns an apartment complex which he only rents out to young women. And especially when he looks like Klaus Kinski. But there’s nothing shady about him, how could there be with those blue, warm and kind eyes? He only likes to kill some time by crawling around the air vents like a rat and spying on the tenants while they do their daily things, like having girls parties with tequila mixed with milk (yuck), and dates with cringe sex acts. Because when you couldn’t stalk people through social media and webcams, like today, you had to be more creative and use your imagination, like this Gunther guy.

And in his secret little attic apartment he has his small collection of bodyparts in jars, building death traps, and where he writes his secret journal while he has a cute, little white kitty to keep him company. And don’t worry, nothing bad happens to the cat… ha-ha. He also has an another pet, and that is a woman trapped in a cage who has gotten her tongue cut off. Between the killings, Gunther plays Russian Roulette as a form of self-punishment. If the bullet goes off, well, it’s game over. If not, so be it, and over to the next victim. As Gunther does his normal business by stalking and murdering his female tenants one by one, he, one day, gets an unexpected visit by a young man who’s about to expose his dark and shady past, which explains one thing or ten about Gunther’s murder tendencies. You can be happy to confront him, by all means, but not sit too comfy in his chairs…

And if the building looks somewhat familiar, it’s because it’s the same set-design used in Troll the same year. But the real troll in this place, is none other than the goblin, the myth, the monster himself: Klaus Kinski.

Crawlspace is written and directed by David Schmoeller and produced by Charles Band’s Empire Pictures. And of course, talking about this particular film is impossible without diving into the behind-the-scenes madness, which is more entertaining than the film itself. Because David Schmoeller was highly excited to work with Klaus Kinski, after watching him in the great Werner Herzog films. To do some quick background checks on Kinski, David Schmoeller contacted the previous director he worked with (Ulli Lommel, I’d guess). He said that Kinski was wonderful to work with and nothing but a good experience. Had he spoken with Herzog instead, God knows how that conversation would have turned. In other words: He was completely oblivious to what kind of a deranged madman he really was and the radioactive shitstorm that would follow him. It wasn’t after he read an interview with him in the Playboy Magazine that he knew that he was in big trouble. “Oh…“. Yeah, you can say. Enjoy the Klaus Kinski Crazy Train!

On day three of shooting, Kinski went on full war with the crew that escalated into six fist fights. And that’s just him warming up. He refused to follow basic orders, such as start acting when hearing “action“. He would instead scream and yell: Action! Action! Action! I’ve made over 200 movies and directors always saying action! So, instead of “action“, Schmoeller said: Light, camera, roll … Klaus. That form of ego boost worked for a day and a half until Kinski suddenly started screaming again. Klaus, Klaus, Klaus..! All my life, directors have called Klaus! … facepalm.

So, if the director couldn’t say “Klaus“ to start the scene, what should he say then? Kinski replies: Say nothing. I start when I’m ready. Alright then. But the madness is far from over. Because after Schmoeller says “cut“, Kinski screams again and yells: Cut! Cut! Cut! I’ve made over 200 movies and the directors are always saying cut! He points at the director and says: Don’t say cut. I stop when I’m finished.

Kinski would never do a take two, because why should he. He was the best, after all, he just always happened to be surrounded by a bunch of mongoloid amateurs ( the viewpoint by none other than Kinski, der meister himself ). According to the commentary track by writer/director David Schmoeller on the Blu-ray, Kinski would cut lines and refuse to say certain important plot-related dialogues which Schmoeller assumed he just forgot. He would reply with I didn’t forget, I just didn’t need to say it. The only way Kinski would say these lines was after Schmoeller had to go to him and say You know what, Klaus, I don’t think you need to say this next line. Kinski would then disagree and say Yes, I do. It’s an important line. Bro, talking about pure tiresome childish mindgame fuckery mixed with a handful of deep-rooted borderline narcissism. But a big thanks to the goldmine of funny trivia.

Due to all the Kinskiness, the twenty days-shooting schedule had to be extended by ten days. They also had to have some of the crew members on his tail when he was out for lunch, like a wild dog on a leash, so they could bring him back to set to finish the movie. Because hiring Klaus Kinski was far from cheap where his name alone was a big selling point, and there was no budget to replace him. And speaking of hiring Klaus Kinski and the risk that he would sabotage the whole film, listen to this: The Italian producer, Roberto Bessi, actually wanted to kill off Klaus Kinski so that they could have his insurance money. Yes, really. David Schmoeller made a short documentary in 1999 titled Please, kill Mr. Kinski where he goes more in detail. This was not the first time someone behind the scenes wanted to delete him though. During the making of Fitzcarraldo (1982) one of the natives offered director Werner Herzog to kill Kinski. Herzog wisely decline, because, well, he needed the bastard to finish the film. And the same said David Schmoeller as he also was hellbent to survive the Kinski Crazy Train, because that in itself is always worth a golden medal.

I really hope that some day a biopic of him gets made, because the sheer absurdity that was the demented world of Klaus Kinski is something that no one could make up, not even Chris Chan. Just watch the five films he made with Werner Herzog, the documentary My Best Fiend Klaus Kinski, his insane directorial acid-trip delirium Kinski Paganini, which also became his last film before he died of a heart attack in 1991 at age of 65. Then we have a series of his bizarre public outbursts, and the cultural trainwreck fiasco that was his short-lived tour as Jesus Christ Savior that was canceled after one show because he couldn’t keep himself together. And that’s just the surface. Because when you dig deeper into the Klaus Kinski iceberg, we also have the sexual abuse/rape/incest allegations, which is a whole horror story by itself for a Netflix miniseries. Bill Skarsgard would be a great choice to play Klaus Kinski.

Uhm, what the hell was I originally talking about… yeah, Kudos to David Schmoeller for being able to end up with a polished-looking film, considering the circumstances. It has some stylish qualities with some slick camerawork and cinematography, especially during the last act where Kinski chases the final girl through the crawlspaces on a trolley. Despite the behind-the-scenes insanity, Kinski does a great, and sometimes an eerie/mesmerizing performance here, and his far more soft-spoken to almost whispering approach adds to the creepy/weird factor, a stark contrast from his megaphone-loudmouth that we’re mostly used to. Much of the horror relies on the psychological aspects where our man, Gunther, only leaves the victims as morbid corpses after killing them off-screen, except for two, if I remember correctly. It’s also obvious that David Schmoeller used all his writing juice on Karl Gunther, where the moldy leftover dialogue went to the rest of the cast, who have as much personality as rubber sex dolls. And the final girl isn’t much to root for, to be honest. The only woman here who actually does a convincing job is the mute one in the cage who emotes with her scared and traumatic eyes.

At the end of the day, Crawlspace works maybe more as a curiosity for the die-hard Klaus Kinski fans, and he’s the sole reason to give the film a watch, like most of the Kinski films. Or just to quote the director himself: Crawlspace is not a particularly good movie, except for the fact that it has Klaus Kinski in it.

Writer and director: David Schmoeller
Country & year: USA/Italia, 1986
Actors: Klaus Kinski, Talia Balsam, Barbara Whinnery, Carole Francis, Tane McClure, Sally Brown, Jack Heller, Abbott Alexander, Kenneth Robert Shippy
IMDb: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0090881/

The McPherson Tape (1989)

Posted on March 4, 2025March 4, 2025 by HorrorGhouls

Uh-oh…Here comes the little grey men! With their sticky faces and lasers. So let’s demonstrate our Second Amendment by shooting them straight in the mug to show them who’s the good guys here. Can’t get more Americana than that, besides having a collective, chronic and crippling fear of aliens/lizard people (and Bigfoot). God bless America.

The McPherson Tape is a penny-budget amateur found footage film that starts during a birthday party with the Van Heese family at an isolated farmhouse in Connecticut. The year is 1983 and Michael has just bought a shiny new VHS camera to document the five-year-old Michelle blowing out the candles. Then suddenly the electricity goes out…

Michael and his brothers head out in the pitch black darkness to get a clue on what happened, and what they see not so far from the house is a UFO and three tiny aliens from a certain Steven Spielberg film. It’s, of course, all blurry, grainy and unfocused since there was no budget to build a decent-looking spaceship. As the pussy pants they are, they run back to the house in full panic mode, grab the shotgun and shoot one of the poor aliens. Thoughts and prayers.

Now we just wait for the remaining aliens to take revenge on these morons. Because it’s hard to give a single frick about the family. The grandmother seems more irritated by being in the film, while the youngest of the cast, Michelle, looks more bored and wants to play cards rather than pretend to be scared. There’s a lot of yelling, arguing and such to amp up the tension as they’re isolated in the house while Michael, the cameraman, moans constantly like as if he hasn’t jerked-off since last week: Ahhh – Ahh – Ahhh – Ahh – Ahhhh – Ahhh – Ahhh – Ahhh …

The McPherson Tape is written and directed by the young and upcoming filmmaker Dean Alioto, who made the film during one night after a week of rehearsals. A friend of his funded the budget of $6,500 and the film got a distribution deal. And here’s the starting point with the wild circumstances around it, all from the funny conspiracy theories and how people actually believed that this was legit proof that aliens walk among us. Because listen to this; after the distribution deal, the warehouse burned down with all the copies of the film and Dean Alioto bitterly wrote the film off as a big loss. Life went on as he continued to work in the television industry without realizing that the distributor had managed to send out dozens of copies before the fire. One of these VHS cassettes ended up in the hands of a prankster who re-edited the opening and closing text. He/she then spread pirated copies to the UFO community where the audience around the US burst into full hysteria mode as they believed that this mysterious home-made film was real. Rumors also spread that the authorities were trying to seize video copies, which, yeah, of course. The most profiled people who ate this up were the UFO expert Tom Dongo and the retired Lt. Colonel for the U.S. Army stated that I am not convinced that this thing is a hoax. Dean Aliato eventually got his lost film under the radar, as it lived a life of its own, which he apparently had forgotten about, and made a public statement that the film was just a fake amateur reel. But too late as the floodgates are fully open.

The original title for the film was actually U.F.O. Abduction, but got called The McPherson Tape during its resurrection at the UFO conventions in the 1990s, despite there’s no one in the film with that name. Huh…

Dean Aliato didn’t seem to have higher ambitions than making a silly film packed in a new unique format that we haven’t seen before, and all credits goes to him for being as ahead of his time with the found footage genre as he was. By all means. This would maybe be seen as the first Blair Witch if it got the theatrical release. And somehow it did, but only very limited at UFO conventions where the popcorn was replaced with mushrooms. But the product itself is way too sloppy and naive to be taken seriously, even back in 1989. I’d probably be more impressed if this was made in the 1950s or in the wake of Orson Welle’s radio drama The War of the Worlds. I couldn’t avoid laughing when we saw the glimpses of the aliens more closely, here played by three eight-year-olds in the most stereotypical and generic looking costumes possible. So it has its amusing entertainment value during its short runtime of 70 minutes, but mostly for the wrong reasons. The controversies behind it make it even funnier with the fact that there are UFO “experts“ even to this day in the year of 2025 who is convinced that this is 100% authentic. Because believing in aliens in the USA isn’t just a matter of believing, it’s a full-blown religion.

Dean Alioto remade the film in 1998 for the TV channel UPN, titled Alien Abduction: Incident in Lake County. It never got a physical release but can be watched on YouTube. Despite a higher budget and more professional actors, the film is even worse than the original and gives an impression that it was made just to mock the gullible minds who still refused to believe that The McPherson Tape was not real. And guess what: several UFO “experts“ actually did. Yes – again. Fool me once, fool me twice. I’d bet that the same audience got some sleepless nights after Oren Peli’s hidden space turkey Area 51 (2015) and would have no problem believing that ALF (the ’80s sitcom) was abruptly canceled with the most brutal cliffhanger because the US Government found out that he was played by an actual real alien.

Writer and director: Dean Alioto
Original title: U.F.O. Abduction
Country & year: USA, 1989
Actors: Tommy Giavocchini, Patrick Kelley, Shirly McCalla, Stacey Shulman, Christine Staples, Laura Tomas, Dean Alioto, Kay Parten, Ginny Klekker, Rose Schneider
IMDb: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0169005/

Cat People (1982)

Posted on February 14, 2025 by HorrorGhouls

Today, being Valentine’s Day, what better opportunity is there to write about an erotic thriller about killer werecats? So let’s dive into what Cat People from 1982 is all about:

In a primitive human settlement in what appears to be a prehistoric past, with surroundings that are slightly surreal and tinted with reddish colors which almost makes it look like it could’ve been at some other planet, a young maiden is tied to a tree in some kind of sacrifice. A black panther then comes and attacks her. Later, another girl enters a cave where another black panther is residing, but this time there’s no attack. Fast forward to present time, a young woman named Irena Gallier has traveled to New Orleans from Canada, in order to reconnect with her brother Paul. They were both orphaned when very young, and raised in different foster homes. Now, Paul lives with his housekeeper Femolly, and apparently likes to seek out prostitutes. One night, a prostitute named Ruthie gets violently attacked by a black panther, causing her death. The police are called, of course, but since it’s an obvious animal attack the zoologists Oliver, Alice and Joe are called to capture the wild beast, which proves to be a black panther. They bring the animal to the New Orleans zoo. Simultaneously, Irena notices that Paul is missing. Hm, what a coincidence. Irena decides to explore a bit on her own, and ends up visiting the zoo, where she appears to be mesmerized by the newly captured black panther and stays for so long that the zoo’s curator, Oliver, ends up confronting her and then takes her to dinner. Not only that, but he also offers her a job at the zoo’s gift shop. The black panther later tears off Joe’s arm which cause him to bleed to death, and then it manages to escape. Soon, Irena discovers that both she and her brother Paul has a shared heritage that is destined to turn out deadly for everyone involved…and especially those involved with them in intimate ways.

Cat People is a horror film from 1982, directed by Paul Schrader and it stars Nastassja Kinski, Malcolm McDowell, John Heard, and Annette O´Toole. It’s a remake of the 1942 film by the same name, and also produced by the same studio, RKO Radio Pictures. It doesn’t have much similarities with the original, and as you might expect this version is considerably more explicit. Nastassja Kinski does an excellent portrayal as the mysterious, seemingly meek and beautiful woman who is able to enchant Oliver to the brink of total obsession with her. You can literally see the feline features in both her appearance and behaviour, so I’d say she was definitely a perfect cast for this role. The story, being set in New Orleans, gives the atmosphere and surroundings a definite European feel (which isn’t a surprise since New Orleans was a French colony until 1763, then it was transferred to Spain for a short period before transferred back to France in 1803).

Creature feature lovers will not get a full meal here as the creature effects and transformation scenes are used very sparingly. There is a little bit of gore, where the most graphic scene is the zoo worker getting his arm ripped off. So a little bit of gore, some monster effects and mostly plenty of nudity is what you’re in for here. The narrative doesn’t offer too much substance, and the movie is very much atmosphere and eroticism mixed with the thriller elements of how people are killed once the cat people turn into vicious black panthers. The reason for their werecat-turning is something akin to a curse: they turn into these beasts once they make love to a normal human, making them “doomed“ to stay a virgin or only have sex with “their own kind“.

Regarding the production and filming of Cat People, there’s a story about how Nastassja Kinski had an affair with the director, Schrader, during the production, and it all went so far that he planned to propose to her at the wrap party. This proposal never happened, as she didn’t show up and decided to ghost him afterwards. It took Schrader three months to track her down in Paris, and the only thing she had to say to him was “Paul, I always fuck my directors. And with you it was difficult“. Kinski has later claimed this story to be false in a 2001 interview with The Daily Telegraph. Aside from that little story, the filming apparently had a little bit of a hiccup when Paul Schrader was one day so stoned that he refused to come out of his trailer, causing a whole day of filming to get lost. This is something Schrader told himself, so at least that part isn’t just a rumour.

And now, it’s time for a kitty bit: the section “Big Cats“ of the New Orleans Zoo which is shown in the movie, was a set constructed in the Universal Studios back-lot.

Overall, Cat People is an erotic and visual experience, and pretty enjoyable overall. It also has its own theme song, called Putting Out Fire, with music by Giorgio Moroder and lyrics and performance by David Bowie. Ah, the good old days of theme songs..

Director: Paul Schrader
Writers: Alan Ormsby, Paul Schrader
Country & year: USA, 1982
Actors: Nastassja Kinski, Malcolm McDowell, John Heard, Annette O’Toole, Ruby Dee, Ed Begley Jr., Scott Paulin, Frankie Faison, Ron Diamond, Lynn Lowry, John Larroquette
IMDb: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0083722/

Things (1989)

Posted on January 31, 2025March 3, 2025 by HorrorGhouls

– This is Ghastly, Brutal, Horrible, Insane!

I’ve seen some terrible, mind-boggling, retarded and fascinating amateur shows over the many years, but nothing could prepare me for this little Canadian shiny turd of a film called Things. And in this case, that is something I can appreciate. I’m always searching for the next best-worst movie, since I’ve always had a weak spot for these kinds of films, and this one belongs somewhere deep down of the horror movie iceberg. It’s impossible to review Things in a conventional sense, and is one of those that you just have to experience for yourself. Visually, to use that word very loosely, it’s something like Manos: The Hands of Fate meets Violent Shit, filmed in an obscure fever dream in the skull of Jörg Buttgereit.

The film starts right off like something that looks like some cursed low-fi video from the dark web. And to be fair, the same could be said about the whole film. It’s all shot by a Super 8 with the overall technical skills of two drunk cavemen, so that speaks much for itself. We’re in a basement where a mysterious woman (Jessica Stewarte) in a weird devil mask undresses in front of a sleazy-looking guy, named Doug (Doug Bunston), who says: I want you to have my BABY! My wife and I tried to have a baby, but we could never get one. Now it’s up to you. My true fair love.

And yeah, the acting is as goofy as the dialogues, which already sets the tone of what to expect. What makes this scene icky, for whole other reasons, is that this masked woman was/is a real-life prostitute, and probably did this short appearance just to scramble some quick cash for her next fix. The filmmakers tried to track her down to include her in the 2008 DVD release, but she could not be found. We all wish her the best. Anyway: two minutes in (yes, two minutes) and the film is already an unbelievable wet, bloated brainfart where there’s a lot for the senses to digest. The acting, the editing, the sound mix, the bizarre goofy music, the sheer level of pure and raw amateurishness… It will drain your sanity and good luck getting through the rest without some booze. The masked woman already had his baby, she says. Ah, good news then. And when she hands it over to Doug, the baby appears to be some sort of a monster that bites his hand. This was just a dream, by the way, as Doug wakes up on a couch in his living room.

After the opening credits, with the fugliest fonts ever put on film, we meet Don (Barry J. Gillis) and Fred (Bruce Roach), who pays Doug a visit on a late night. Yep, Don, Fred and Doug. These are the guys we’re supposed to root for. All three reeks of bad vibes a mile away, if the film didn’t smell bad enough already, where the youngest looks like a ticking school shooter while the other two have the charisma of the types of serial killers who would bury their victims in a basement crawlspace. We even have a dude here who pops in at the end (Dr. Lucas) who could be the twin brother of Jeffrey Dahmer. It’s hard to comprehend what’s going on here, but they find a tape recorder in Doug’s freezer and a diary of Aleister Crowley. Don puts his jacket in the freezer because it’s hot, they drink some beer, talking about paintings…

It’s pretty creepy up here. Why don’t you put something on TV, Don says.

On TV we have pornstar Amber Lynn, here dressed in a ridiculously dated outfit as the very least believable news anchor. She cuts in and out during the film to give some vague and unrelated plot details, or whatever, as she clearly reads straight from cue cards. Her background is randomly stacked with some cheap TVs and VCR’s that looks like anything but a news TV studio. Amber Lynn got paid $2500 to be in this, (the whole budget, I’d fairly guess), and spent a quick hour to shoot her few scenes. Director Andrew Jordan was at least clever enough to approach her with a 16mm camera to look more professional. You can’t see much difference though. And the biggest shocker is that she does the best acting here.

We have a random torture scene because the plot suddenly said so. Or maybe because the filmmakers had just seen Guinea Pig: Devil’s Experiment and thought it was cool to just throw in a quick eye-gouging moment. Yes. there’s gore here, but don’t expect much. It’s cheap amateur slop and combined with the blurry image quality, you’ll spot more clearly gory images from a Rorschach test. And there’s also some zombies here, because why not.

Doug finally shows up, so the main plot can go forward. And he’s irritated because Fred and Don didn’t bring any food. He opens the fridge and says after he gives a loud burp:

What the fUUUck? There’s a six day, or a six month old bread in here. Maybe I can make myself some kind of a sandwich. Eh.

They eat some sandwiches, drink beer, burps, farts and have a good time, I assume. And then we have the classic scene where they put a dead bug in Don’s sandwich. There’s also a dog here, who only smells bullshit and clearly doesn’t want to be in the film. Can’t blame him.

Around the 25 minute mark, Doug’s bedridden and pregnant wife, Susan, screams. Yes, she’s pregnant. Forget the masked woman we saw at the beginning. That was just a premonition nightmare. As if the film isn’t already a nightmare. A puppet creature with big sharp teeth crawls out of her stomach. Susan is dead. RIP.

Oh my gOOOd…! SUSAN, Doug yells. Poor Doug. He really must have loved Susan. Because the acting here is just that convincing. We then learn that Susan was a part of a failed impregnate experiment of Dr. Lucas.

After it’s been established that a killer creature now lurks around the house, plus some other ant-like monstrous Things, we cut to a news break where Amber Lynn informs us that the legendary filmmaker George A. Romero is once again taking his copyright case to the Supreme Court of the United States. Because pirates continue to distribute thousands of copies of Night of the Living Dead. OK, good to know. Where’s the weather report? As our three protagonists now have to survive in a cramped basement full of monstrous Things, the guy with the beard, Fred, suddenly vanishes, as if he was cut out of the movie. What the fuck? Where’s Fred?, Don asks. To give some logical explanation, we’re told that (and I’m not making this shit up) he was trapped in a mouse hole (!) that brought him to the third, fourth and fifth dimension. And if I dared to break down more of the “plot“, I’d probably be sucked into a mouse hole myself.

On the surface, Things look like something made by a group of ten-year-olds, just for pure fun and shit’s n’ giggles, as they were only goofing around with a camera with no more thought behind it. The whole film, except the ending, was shot in the basement of Andrew Jordan’s parent’s house in Ontario, Canada. His parents were also confident and wholesome enough to finance the principal shooting and pre-production, which I still guess was $2500 to only afford some quick scenes with Amber Lynn to boost the sales. Because director Andrew Jordan and co-writer/actor Barry J. Gillis had actually some high, grandiose ambitions with Things other than just show it to embarrassed family members and friends on a drunk Friday night. They wanted to distribute it all the way to Canadian Television. Because why not. And I just assume that they also saw the Hollywood signs far in the blurry horizon. The closest the film got to the mainstream was at the video rental shops, where it reached the historic milestone of being the very first film shot on an 8mm to get a VHS distribution in Canada. Andrew Jordan’s parents must have been proud, and cheers for that. Doug Burston’s parents, on the other hand, forced him to get a real job. And they might’ve had a point, considering that he was mostly drunk during filming (wow, what a surprise), and beer was a requirement for him to act in the movie.

The dialogues here is the most bizarre shit I’ve heard in a long, long time:

– They’re eating me! Take me to the hospital! They can rebuild me there!
– I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I …!
– All I see is blOOOd — and guts!
– Ah, the blood is dripping like maple SYRUP! Oh, oh, so much blood!
– My dog… my cute little bloody dog!
– Listen, ah geeh ah, I’m gonna die! I feel like it, but I’m saved!

While this sounds bad enough on paper, just wait till you hear the delivery. It’s Zombie ’90: Extreme Pestilence level of bad, or maybe even worse. I refuse to believe that even a single line of dialogue was written here, aside from the scenes with Amber Lynn. The dialogues were overdubbed, since the original recording was useless, and Andrew Jordan spent months torturing himself in post-production to polish his masterpiece. He was high on cannabis during the whole process, which surely explains a lot. But even the most expensive sound mixing studio couldn’t save this. He also hated the experience of making the film, which finally begs the big question why he made it in the first place, and on top of that, distribute it on VHS for all to see. The mental state of these guys raises some speculation, because the more you dive into it, the more it sounds like a miracle that this bizarre, inept clownshow was actually completed from start to finish, and released. The entire project sounds more like something Andrew Jordan was forced to make at gunpoint, like some sort of a humiliation ritual. In that case, mission accomplished, as the film has garnered a cult-following over the years, for all the wrong reasons.

Actor and co-writer Barry J. Gillis is still very proud of the film, and said in an interview with Sins of Cinema that he would love to make a sequel to Things, and I’m quoting: only if there is a fan out there with access to an investor with a million or more dollars we could make a great sequel. And he also would love to have Bruce Campbell on board.

… and we can’t wait to see that. Just make sure to have Mike Flanagan as an executive producer so that Neon picks it up for distribution. Things is available on DVD by Severin Films/Intervision, and is also on our favorite streaming site, Tubi.

Director: Andrew Jordan
Writers: Barry J. Gillis, Andrew Jordan
Country & year: Canada, 1989
Actors: Barry J. Gillis, Amber Lynn, Bruce Roach, Doug Bunston, Jan W. Pachul, Patricia Sadler
IMDb: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0183881/

Extra Terrestrial Visitors (1983)

Posted on December 6, 2024January 31, 2025 by HorrorGhouls

– Trumpy, you can do magic things!

Extra Terrestrial Visitors. Yup, this movie actually exists, and no, this is not a very long-delayed mockbuster from The Asylum. Extra Terrestrial Visitors was originally meant to be a straight-forward horror film with an Earth-stranding alien who goes on a murder rampage. Sounds just like in the right alley for the Spanish director Juan Piquer Simón, who had just made the ultra violent Grindhouse classic Pieces.

Then came the global megahit E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial and the producers demanded to have the script rewritten and add a storyline with a boy and a friendly alien and cut as many horror elements as possible. Not a good idea, to quote Tony Stark. In the UK, the film was released on VHS with the shamelessly fake clickbait title E.T.: The Second Coming. So what we have here is probably the most pathetic and desperate attempt to squeeze out a cash-in within the last minute. The producers who were confident enough to think that this kind of director was a good fit to piece together a mainstream, family-friendly E.T.-ripoff with zero to none resources, except an overuse of smog machines, must have snorted too much cocaine. Trumpy took the rest. Trumpy who? He’s a friendly, furry alien who has a big trunk like an anteater. More about him later.

A meteor crash lands in some rural forest landscape. Two poachers are out hunting and one of them sees a red gloving cave while the fog machine already works on overtime. As he goes into the cave, he enters a room filled with some large alien eggs. After he smashes them with his rifle, except one, he gets attacked and killed by an unseen entity. Mommy alien, we can guess. The last remaining egg gets later picked up by the boy, ~~Elliot~~ Tommy, who brings it home and hides it in his room.

Then we have a rock band, of some sort, who are in the studio recording. I can’t remember a single name, but what we have are two guys and four chicks. The melodrama is all over the place where it’s hard to give a single fuck. Here we also get some of the worst, retarded and hilarious dubbing I’ve heard recently. And the written-on-a-toilet paper dialogue with the amateur acting makes it all better. It’s already easy to see why this was picked up by Mystery Science Theater 3000.

The rock band drives out into the woods to have a picnic. They start to argue over some bullshit that makes one of the girls leave them and go into the smog-filled woods. And speaking of fog, I’d guess that this film has the world record for using smog machine. She stumbles upon mommy alien somewhere in the thick fog who makes her fall from a cliff and die. The rock band carries her body to the nearest house where they get to seek shelter. And yes, the same house where Tommy has hidden the alien egg in his room.

Suddenly, the egg hatches, and out comes a little cute alien who Tommy feeds with nuts and milk in all secretly in his room. And the faster he eats, the faster he grows until he’s as tall as Tommy. The alien is, assumedly, played by a kid in a cheap, funny costume that looks like something you’d see in the background of the Star Wars cantina just to fill some empty space. He has, as mentioned, a big trunk which he eats through and gives some blank, empty stares with stiff emotionless eyes. As hard as Tommy tries to act excited, there’s zero chemistry or charm here. It’s just unsettling and off-putting. To put the golden raspberry on top, he names the alien Trumpy. And he’s here to Make Earth Great Again. Or maybe not. Trumpy also has telekinesis power, and trust me, it’s cinema magic at its finest and will blow your mind.

And if you thought the dubbing was bad, you’ll have some serious brain farts when you hear Tommy. Trumpy’s alien mom goes on a rampage and body counting, because this was, after all, originally meant to be a horror film. Alien mom kills its victims by slapping and shoving them where they die instantly, one-hit-death Alex Kidd style. Lousy stuff. How does this turkey show end, you ask? Do we get an emotional goodbye scene like we did in E.T.? —Spoiler warning— After our two friends have a run in the woods, Tommy tells Trumpy to fuck off. I hate you Trumpy, he says. Uhm…OK. Poor Trumpy, I guess? And since there wasn’t any budget to make a cheap-looking spaceship to pick him up, Trumpy wanders into the fog-filled woods to never be seen again. The End.

Well, that was… something. Making Contact (1985) comes to mind, only this one is far more tone-deaf and completely inept in all aspects. To Juan Piquer Simón’s defense, he had no control over the final product as he was fucked over by the producers. Showbiz is brutal. Extra Terrestrial Visitors is still a fun, amusing trainwreck to watch for all turkey lovers. It’s available on Tubi and on Blu-ray from Severin Films.

Director: Juan Piquer Simón
Writers: Joaquín Grau, Juan Piquer Simón
Original title: Los nuevos extraterrestres
Also known as: Pod People
Country & year: Spain, France, 1983
Actors: Ian Serra, Nina Ferrer, Susana Bequer, Sara Palmer, Óscar Martín, Maria Albert, Emilio Linder, Concha Cuetos, Manuel Pereiro, Frank Braña
IMDb: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0086026/

Paperhouse (1988)

Posted on November 1, 2024 by HorrorGhouls

Anna Madden is an 11 year old girl, who one day starts having fainting spells at school and when playing with her friend. She’s suffering from glandular fever, and must stay at home and finds herself bedridden much to her dismay. She draws a house, and when she falls asleep she starts having disturbing dreams about this house. Later she draws a face in the window, and the next time she dreams there’s a boy there. His name is Marc, and he’s suffering from muscular dystrophy and cannot walk. She keeps adding things to the drawing in order to form the house more to her liking, like adding stairs and furniture. She also tries an attempt at fixing Marc’s legs, but this proves futile. Something’s not right in her dreams, however, and in real life Anna’s having troubles with her relationship with both her mother and her absent father who’s struggling with alcoholism and is often away for work at long periods of time. One day when her doctor comes for a visit, Anna finds out that the doctor has another patient whose name is Marc. And now she’s starting to realize that the house in her dreams may not just be a pure fantasy after all.

Paperhouse is a dark fantasy film from 1988, directed by Bernard Rose who later directed Candyman (1992). This movie is based on a novel from 1958, called Marianne Dreams by Catherine Storr. This novel was also the basis of a British TV series made for children in the early 1970’s, called Escape Into Night. This movie, however…is clearly not a movie suitable for the young’uns, despite being originally marketed as a children’s fantasy film. Sure, the horror elements aren’t very explicit and it takes a while for them to settle in, but there’s a definite ominous atmosphere throughout, and the scene where her blind father appears in her dream (blind because she didn’t draw his eyes properly) and starts hunting her with a hammer, isn’t exactly Saturday morning material.

I have to say that the work they did on the dreamworld is pretty well made, where everything looks like it’s trapped in a closed space where nothing else exists. It’s filmed in a desolate field, where you can see the ocean nearby but it’s all just vast and empty. No other islands to spot, no trees, other buildings, absolutely nothing. The surrealism and weirdness of the place is spot-on, and the strange interior of the already strange and crooked-looking house only adds to the vibe.

Paperhouse is a pretty strange coming of age movie, not outright a horror movie but it certainly has some elements thereof. The surreal tone, the somewhat unconvincing acting (especially by the lead actress, who also never played in any other film after this one) gives the whole film a very weird vibe. Also some nice music from Hans Zimmer which strengthens the incredibly dreamy and outlandish mood. Worth a watch if you want something strange and different.

Director: Bernard Rose
Writer: Matthew Jacobs
Country & year: UK, 1988
Actors: Charlotte Burke, Jane Bertish, Samantha Cahill, Glenne Headly, Sarah Newbold, Gary Bleasdale, Elliott Spiers, Gemma Jones, Steven O’Donnell, Ben Cross, Karen Gledhill, Barbara Keogh
IMDb: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0098061/

TerrorVision (1986)

Posted on October 29, 2024January 1, 2025 by HorrorGhouls

– Hey, remember that movie? You know, the one about the little space guy. Made you cry like a butthole?

After the insanely catchy theme song, we get the pleasure of meeting the Puttermans. They are… uhm, well, a lot could be said about the Puttermans, but first and foremost, they are a family. And not just a family, but an American family, living in Los Angeles. They’re THE most American family of all time. And the year is also 1986, with its peak of technology, and being a wealthy upper-class, what can be more perfect than that? Here we have mom Raquel and dad Stan, a swinger-couple, living the American dream with their two kids, a wacky survivalist/doomsday prepper grandpa and some other middle-aged dude who should be in jail for his fashion choice. The family’s daughter, Suzy, likes to dress up as Cyndi Lauper and dates a stoner dude named O.D. (overdose). He’s an over-the-top stereotypical metal head who’d make Beavis and Butt-Head look like Jehovah’s Witnesses.

The family dad puts up a big satellite dish with no success. It isn’t after a lightning bolt hits the dish from the blue sky when the family can enjoy Channel 69, MTV and Medusa’s Midnight Horrorthon. C o o l. The lighting comes from a garbage disposal on the distant planet Pluton, by the way, that teleported a “Hungry Beast“ to eventually come out of the Putterman’s TV and terrorize the family. But you just wait, cuz it gets crazier. The best way to describe TerrorVision is a live-action Saturday-morning cartoon on mushrooms, shot like a demented sitcom with three episodes stitched together. Absolute zero logic and all over the place. The only thing missing here, to put the satirical cherry on top, is a laugh track.

TerrorVision is written and directed by the Full Moon bat Ted Nicolaou, here under the banner of Empire Pictures. This is his directorial debut after working over a decade as sound engineer and editor on films such as The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974) and with his first collab with Charles Band on Tourist Trap (1979). The monster design was made by John Carl Buechler, who also made Troll the same year, another Charles Band production. Nicolaou said to Buechler as he was making the monster: “make it look really stupid“. The result is something that looks like if Sloth from The Goonies was mutated with a dog, Pizza the Hutt and one of my classmates from elementary school. So, mission accomplished, I’d say. The youngest actor who plays the family’s son was permitted by his Christian parents to be in the film on one condition: to not have him in the same frame with the nude paintings which you’ll see everywhere in the house. And Mr. Nicolaou sure broke that promise more than one or three/four times.

The film was panned by the critics upon its release, where we have a quote from Time Out Film Guide saying: — The aesthetics of trash sink to new depths of delirium in this kooky sitcom variant of Poltergeist. Couldn’t be more true though. It wasn’t until years later it found its niche audience and is viewed as a so-bad-it’s-good film, which I beg to differ. Yes, it has its clear elements of such, but it’s way too self-aware to fully earn a spot in that category. Not for everyone, but sure a wild, doozy ride if you’re in for it. It’s basically the best and worst of the pop-cultural 1980s in a nutshell, exaggerated up to the max. Maybe some Aha..hahaha’s for the adults and just mesmerizing birthday party schlockfest for the kids with some gooey light-hearted gore. It will leave an impact, nevertheless, even in the year of 2024 where 1980s throwback films are more popular than ever.

TerrorVision is available on a DVD/Blu-ray double feature with The Video Dead from Shout! Factory.

Writer and director: Ted Nicolaou
Country & year: USA/Italy, 1986
Actors: Diane Franklin, Gerrit Graham, Mary Woronov, Chad Allen, Jon Gries, Bert Remsen, Alejandro Rey, Randi Brooks, Jennifer Richards, Sonny Carl Davis, Ian Patrick Williams, William Paulson, John Leamer
IMDb: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0092074/

Dolls (1987)

Posted on October 28, 2024March 6, 2025 by HorrorGhouls

Young Judy has brought along her beloved teddybear, Teddy, on a trip together with her father and stepmother. And Teddy is pretty much the only comfort she’s got, as both her father and stepmother sees her as nothing but an inconvenience. A thunderstorm leaves them stranded as their car gets stuck, and in frustration the stepmother takes Teddy from Judy and throws him far into the bushes, where Judy can’t get to him. This then leads to a strange scene where Judy actually imagines that Teddy comes back as a giant monster-teddy and kills both her stepmother and her father. Yeah, there ain’t any happy family vibes to find around here, that’s for sure, but who can really blame the little girl, both her stepmother and her father are assholes.

The trio ends up seeking shelter by getting into a nearby mansion, owned by a charming elderly couple named Gabriel and Hilary Hartwicke. The couple immediately takes to young Judy, and when learning that she “lost“ her teddybear, Gabriel gives her a Jester-doll whose name is Mr. Punch. Then, three more people also arrive at the mansion, seeking shelter from the weather: Ralph, a very kind-hearted dude who maybe suffers from being a tad bit naive, and two hitchhikers named Isabel and Enid, who are two more additions to the asshole-group. So, we have an innocent little girl, a nice man with a good heart, and four douchebags who are now invited to stay by the elderly couple, who are both dollmakers. The mansion is filled with toys and dolls, but these soon prove to be anything but harmless.

Dolls is a horror film from 1987, directed by Stuart Gordon (Re-Animator, From Beyond, Castle Freak), written by Ed Naha, and produced by Charles Band and Brian Yuzna through Empire Pictures. The story was inspired by a book called The Uses of Enchantment, by Brunio Bettelheim. The film was shot in Italy at Empire Studios, prior to the director’s next film From Beyond. However, due to all the effects for the dolls that were added in post-production, the movie wasn’t released until almost a year later.

Now, what could possibly be the highlight in a movie from the 80’s titled Dolls? Take a wild guess. This was released before any Child Play‘s, and way before any Annabelle‘s. One could look at it as a little precursor to a certain film series involving puppets, though: the Puppet Master franchise, where the first movie was released in 1989. Because this movie, just like the Puppet Master films, uses a mix of stop motion animation, puppets and animatronics for the dolls by David W. Allen, who worked on special effects for numerous films and especially several Empire/Full Moon movies. He unfortunately died from cancer in 1999, and had been intermittently working on stop motion effects for a film called The Primevals, which was actually his own production, a true passion project of his. Despite seeming like what would be a lost project for so many years, The Primevals was actually completed and released in 2023.

There aren’t any big names on the cast list here, but the actors are a mix of people whom you may have seen in other movies and TV Series, so it’s far from being a no-name actors movie either. The one playing Isabel for example, is Bunty Bailey, who plays the girl in the famous music video for the Norwegian pop group A-Ha’s Take on Me from 1985. Dolls was her feature film debut. Their performances are solid enough for a movie like this, which is overall childishly cheesy and with that strange tone you mostly only find in movies made during the 80’s. It’s whimsical and slightly goofy, and the effects for the dolls and puppets are of course the raison d’être for the movie.

Despite being a pretty fun movie, Dolls wasn’t well received by the viewers, and the fans of Stuart Gordon in particular thought it was tame and lacking in gore compared to his previous works. Well…this one’s quite different for sure, where despite the little bit of gore there is it could have been a cute little horror movie for kids. It’s charming in its own way, and overall a fun little film where the baddies gets their comeuppance and the goodies can have their happily ever after.

Stuart Gordon was initially interested on making a sequel for the film, but that never came to be.

Director: Stuart Gordon
Writer: Ed Naha
Country & year: USA/Italy, 1986
Actors: Ian Patrick Williams, Carolyn Purdy-Gordon, Carrie Lorraine, Guy Rolfe, Hilary Mason, Bunty Bailey, Cassie Stuart, Stephen Lee
IMDb: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0092906/