– Hey, remember that movie? You know, the one about the little space guy. Made you cry like a butthole?
After the insanely catchy theme song, we get the pleasure of meeting the Puttermans. They are… uhm, well, a lot could be said about the Puttermans, but first and foremost, they are a family. And not just a family, but an American family, living in Los Angeles. They’re THE most American family of all time. And the year is also 1986, with its peak of technology, and being a wealthy upper-class, what can be more perfect than that? Here we have mom Raquel and dad Stan, a swinger-couple, living the American dream with their two kids, a wacky survivalist/doomsday prepper grandpa and some other middle-aged dude who should be in jail for his fashion choice. The family’s daughter, Suzy, likes to dress up as Cyndi Lauper and dates a stoner dude named O.D. (overdose). He’s an over-the-top stereotypical metal head who’d make Beavis and Butt-Head look like Jehovah’s Witnesses.
The family dad puts up a big satellite dish with no success. It isn’t after a lightning bolt hits the dish from the blue sky when the family can enjoy Channel 69, MTV and Medusa’s Midnight Horrorthon. C o o l. The lighting comes from a garbage disposal on the distant planet Pluton, by the way, that teleported a “Hungry Beast“ to eventually come out of the Putterman’s TV and terrorize the family. But you just wait, cuz it gets crazier. The best way to describe TerrorVision is a live-action Saturday-morning cartoon on mushrooms, shot like a demented sitcom with three episodes stitched together. Absolute zero logic and all over the place. The only thing missing here, to put the satirical cherry on top, is a laugh track.
TerrorVision is written and directed by the Full Moon bat Ted Nicolaou, here under the banner of Empire Pictures. This is his directorial debut after working over a decade as sound engineer and editor on films such as TheTexas Chain Saw Massacre (1974) and with his first collab with Charles Band on Tourist Trap (1979). The monster design was made by John Carl Buechler, who also made Troll the same year, another Charles Band production. Nicolaou said to Buechler as he was making the monster: “make it look really stupid“. The result is something that looks like if Sloth from The Goonies was mutated with a dog, Pizza the Hutt and one of my classmates from elementary school. So, mission accomplished, I’d say. The youngest actor who plays the family’s son was permitted by his Christian parents to be in the film on one condition: to not have him in the same frame with the nude paintings which you’ll see everywhere in the house. And Mr. Nicolaou sure broke that promise more than one or three/four times.
The film was panned by the critics upon its release, where we have a quote from Time Out Film Guide saying: — The aesthetics of trash sink to new depths of delirium in this kooky sitcom variant of Poltergeist. Couldn’t be more true though. It wasn’t until years later it found its niche audience and is viewed as a so-bad-it’s-good film, which I beg to differ. Yes, it has its clear elements of such, but it’s way too self-aware to fully earn a spot in that category. Not for everyone, but sure a wild, doozy ride if you’re in for it. It’s basically the best and worst of the pop-cultural 1980s in a nutshell, exaggerated up to the max. Maybe some Aha..hahaha’s for the adults and just mesmerizing birthday party schlockfest for the kids with some gooey light-hearted gore. It will leave an impact, nevertheless, even in the year of 2024 where 1980s throwback films are more popular than ever.
TerrorVision is available on a DVD/Blu-ray double feature with The Video Dead from Shout! Factory.
Writer and director:Ted Nicolaou Country & year: USA/Italy, 1986 Actors: Diane Franklin, Gerrit Graham, Mary Woronov, Chad Allen, Jon Gries, Bert Remsen, Alejandro Rey, Randi Brooks, Jennifer Richards, Sonny Carl Davis, Ian Patrick Williams, William Paulson, John Leamer IMDb: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0092074/
– If you think that’s bad, wait until you get my bill.
Evan Rendell (Larry Drake) is a mentally deranged man who manages to escape the mental asylum (a time when mental asylums still existed) and return to his abandoned little rundown mansion on the outskirts of the small town of Moorehigh. We learn that Rendell is the son of the town’s previous doctor, and the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. His father did some pretty shady things to his patients, such as stealing their hearts and such, for reasons I won’t spoil, because there’s actually a fun little twist to the whole thing. But his approach to his patients with zero empathy, sure had its impact on Rendell Jr’s frontal lobe. So in order to continue his father’s legacy, he gets a list of names so he can sneak into the townsfolk’s homes at night to pay them an unexpected doctor visit. Dad would be proud.
And here’s the big question; why the nickname Dr. Giggles? That’s because he giggles in a demented high-pitched note, as if someone tickles his ballsack with the tip of a feather – or getting an unexpected blowjob while standing on a podium, if you take the reference. It’s a pretty distinct kind of giggle that I believe that only Larry Drake could pull off. While it’s pretty gimmicky and goofy at times, it puts an extra flair on his twisted personality, and adds more creep factor to his stone-cold Slavic-like face. The film itself isn’t creepy for one second though, but Larry Drake makes up for an oddly entertaining villain with some cheesy one-liners. He’s maybe best known for being the antagonist, Duran, in the first two Darkman films.
But there’s no slasher without a big group of teens, some meat balloons, or at least a final girl. And since it happens to be the start of the summer break, the timing of Dr. Giggles return couldn’t be more perfect. Here we follow the 19-year-old main protagonist, Jennifer Campbell. She has a serious heart condition that prevents her from living out her final year as a teen to the fullest. Well, thank God that Dr. Giggles is finally in town, which she eventually will get the un-pleasure to meet. Jennifer is played by the Charmed star Holly Marie Combs, who actually was 19 during the filming, and not a 27-year-old pretending to be 19. That’s rare, as most of the teens in slashers, especially from the 1980s, look like they’re in their late 30s. Jennifer Aniston auditioned for the role as the final girl, but luckily she didn’t have to wait for long to make her big film debut in Leprechaun. Let’s have a long, sarcastic giggle for that one.
Although Dr.Giggles was released in 1992, it has the vibe and the standard formula of a 80s slasher. Thus, the film did not perform at the box office as the slasher genre had gone into hiatus with a severe hangover alongside with the hair metal bands. That’s a shame as there could be a fun franchise to develop here. Oh, well. Dr. Giggles is an enjoyable little slasher flick with some great gore, silly humor – and bonkers performance by, again, Larry Drake, who alone makes the film a standout. And while we’re speaking about doctors, also give The Dentist a visit for a check-up, because health is important, you know…
Dr. Giggles is available on Blu-ray from Shout! Factory and is maybe to be found on Tubi.
Director: Manny Coto Writers: Manny Coto, Graeme Whifler Country & year: USA, 1992 Actors: Larry Drake, Holly Marie Combs, Cliff De Young, Glenn Quinn, Keith Diamond, Richard Bradford, Michelle Johnson, John Vickery, Nancy Fish, Sara Melson, Zoe Trilling IMDb: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0104139/
Mike Tobacco and his girlfriend Debbie Stone have gone to the local lover’s lane to make out. Suddenly, they spot a strange glowing object falling down from the sky. They’re not the only ones who saw that, as the farmer Gene Green decides to find the impact site as he believes it to be Halley’s Comet. Well, he finds something quite different. A large circus tent has been raised in the place where the “comet“ landed, and the poor farmer and his dog are captured by aliens looking like clowns. What they are? Killer Klowns, of course! Mike and Debbie arrive at the place and decide to enter the strange-looking circus, and find themselves in a bizarre place with an interior that resembles a spaceship. They’re discovered, and after being able to flee they try reporting the incident to the local police station. A large circus in the forest, and alien clowns from outer space? Yeah, that’s believable of course. Or not. But even the police must realize that something funny is happening around here, when the Klowns begin attacking the townspeople. Why they’re attacking people? Because they’re hungry! And the people they capture are encased in large cotton-candy cocoons, where they drink the mushed-up fluids from inside in true spider-style (well, not exactly, they use drinking straws). Mike and Debbie know they must defeat the Klowns, but how? The answer is simple, of course: you need to shoot them in their red nose!
Killer Klowns from Outer Space is a colorful sci-fi horror comedy from 1988, written and directed by the Chiodo Brothers. They also made the practical effects and makeup for the movie, much of it also carried out by other artists. Thus, there’s a ton of practical effects, rubber suits and masks. It was filmed in Watsonville, California and at the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk, and have pretty much been considered a cult classic for quite some time. There’s been talk of sequels, but they’ve been in development hell since the original film’s release. If there should ever be some kind of sequel, though, then at least it would be one people have wanted for some time, just like the Beetlejuice Beetlejuice movie.
Just looking at the title, the description, and the images of the Killer Klowns themselves, you can’t blame anyone but yourself if you watch this and expect something different than what it is. It’s pure childish, silly nonsense. Originally, the film was supposed to just be called Killer Klowns, but in order to prevent people from assuming it was a simple slasher film, they added the “from Outer Space“ just to let people know what they were in for. Good choice. It’s obviously both a parody and a homage to the 50’s and early 60’s sci-fi classics about alien and monster invasions.
The special effects are the movie’s most admirable part, where the Killer Klown costumes look pretty darn good. The acting is, well, very typical B-movie fare, which suits a film like this perfectly. And as you might expect, this being alien clowns and all, there’s gags aplenty and a lot of wild stupidity with popcorn-guns, shadow puppets eating people, and a lot of other loony stuff. While it’s hard to imagine anyone finding any moments in this movie to be scary in any way, the cotton-candy cocoons with melted human bodies inside is a little bit nasty. And yeah, there is a bit of gore here but there’s nothing really over the top. The film also has a pretty cool and campy theme song called Killer Klowns, performed by the pop/punk band The Dickies. Ah, theme songs! Those were the days.
Killer Klowns from Outer Space is just as deranged, absurd, childish and sickly sweet as you can imagine. You can almost feel a sugar-overdose after watching it, despite not having eaten any candy or ice cream at all. And in space no one can eat ice cream, or so the film’s slogan says. It’s had several DVD and Blu-ray releases over the years, and can be seen on several streaming sites.
Director: Stephen Chiodo Writer: Charles Chiodo, Stephen Chiodo, Edward Chiodo Country & year: USA, 1988 Actors: Grant Cramer, Suzanne Snyder, John Allen Nelson, John Vernon, Michael S. Siegel, Peter Licassi, Royal Dano, Christopher Titus, Irene Michaels, Irene Michaels, Karla Sue Krull IMDb: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0095444/
Y’all know the tales from the crypt. But you’ve seen nuthin’ yet, cuz here’s the tales from tha motthafuckin’ HOoOD! … and that’s enough of me trying to talk like someone from the ghetto.
Stack, Ball and Bulldog are three young aspiring drug dealers who are on their way to meet Mr. Simms at his funeral home. And this Mr. Simms dude is a trip and as eccentric as he looks, something our homeboys are soon to experience when they get invited to his gothic and dim-lighted cozy home. And I bet the thick layer of weed rips those nostrils hard. Could I have some, please? Anyway, Stack, Ball and Bull are here to buy some drugs that Mr. Simms claims to have found in an alley. Mr. Simms has hidden the drugs somewhere in the house (and let us guess: the basement), but before we go down there, the old man has some stories to tell, all of which are based on the recent dead bodies lying in the caskets. All of them are actually true, of course, because don’t think otherwise. And as Mr. Simms says; Death… it comes in many strange packages.
The first story, called Rogue Cop Revelation, takes us to the gritty urban city streets which you can guess by the title what is about. Yup, police brutality and the every-day racism protected by the badge, and even more protected by the corrupted code that is Blue wall of silence. Yes, that is actually a thing. Protect, serve and God bless America. Here we meet the rookie cop Clarence (Anthony Griffith) and he couldn’t have a rougher start to his job when he one night is out patrolling with his scumbag partner Strom (Wings Hauser) and some other cops. Because Clarence is actually black, you see, and Strom is a first-class, rage-filled racist. Clarence gets set in a corner when Strom and the other cops beat the hell out of a black man for no reason. They beat him so badly till he dies, and then dump him with his car in the ocean by the docks to make it look like an accident.
So what now, Clarence? Do you break the code and rat on your colleagues, or pretend this never happened? He quits his job in guilt and shame and becomes an alcoholic. The comedic elements start to hit when Clarence returns from his grave, by reasons I won’t spoil, and takes his sweet revenge on the cops.
The second story is titled Boys Do Get Bruised, and here we’re in a relatively quiet, middle-class suburb area where we meet the family of four: mom Sissy, dad Carl and their young introverted boy, Walter. He also wears some bruises that catch the eye of his teacher, Richard (played by the director himself, Rusty Cundieff), and he gets concerned about his well-being. Especially when he also gets bullied at school.
Richard tries to have a chat with Walter to ask him how he got those bruises, which are certainly not from the bullies. He says that a monster comes and terrorizes him while being in bed at night. And if we’re to believe him, we’re actually talking about a real boogely monster that he also makes some cute drawings of. The subject here is pretty obvious, here spiced up with metaphors and a batshit crazy conclusion that even Mr. Simms couldn’t come up with. And I also dare to guess that last year’sCobweb took some inspiration from this.
KKK Comeuppance is the third story, and my favorite. Because…well, I can’t say without spoiling. But what little I can say is that here we have the sweet and short biopic of none other than the white supremacist, and former grand wizard of the Knights of the Ku Klux Klan, David Duke. Here he’s credited as Duke Metger as a combination of the neo-Nazi and founder of the White Aryan Resistance, Tom Metger, just to kill two snakes with one stone.
So, here we have the pleasure of meeting Duke, played by an energetic Corbin Bernsen (The Dentist), a pompous and arrogant senator who’s running for governor in Louisiana. As an ex-member of the KKK and all that shadiness, people aren’t happy, and to add insult to injury, Duke is preparing his office at an old, historical plantation. One of the protesters, who had ancestors living there, won’t let that happen, and has a special plan for him that includes, yes you guessed it – Voodoo, which seems to work every time. This one gets pretty wild with some great use of stop-motion effects that would even make Charles Band drool like an infant. And I couldn’t stop thinking about the song Voodoo by Body Count.
Hard-Core Convert is the fourth and final story. And there isn’t much fun to have with this one, to be honest. But it’s a solid and well-made segment, though, that spits some hard red-pilled truths about the black gang communities. It’s another day in the hood when a gang-related shooting episode escalates, where Jerome gets shot, survives and gets thrown in jail. After being in the tank for four years, he gets met by Dr. Cushing (a nice, little nod to Dr. Van Helsing Peter Cushing) who offers him a plea-deal if he participates in an experimental rehabilitation program. He, of course, takes the offer, and what happens next is a more twisted version of A Clockwork Orange, where Jerome gets put into a sensory deprivation chamber to get confronted by all the people he’d killed over the years, all of whom are black. One of his victims is also a little girl. A bleak segment, this one. Now I want some more weed.
But while this was the final story, we have an encore here. And boy, o’boy … nothing can prepare you for this!
And that’s pretty much how far I can go into each segment without spoiling the whole damn thing. But you see the pattern of social commentary here, told with a morbid and great sense of humor. Black humor in the purest form, if you will, where a ridiculous, zany and charismatic Clarence Williams III steals the entire show between the segments with his electric performance as the mortician Simms. He looks like a bizarro version of Samuel L. Jackson who’s just slipped into a pool filled with cocaine. Tales from the Hood is overall a wild ride and a timeless, little classic that seems as fresh and relevant today, much due to the subject matters.
Director: Rusty Cundieff Writers: Rusty Cundieff, Darin Scott Country & year: USA, 1995 Actors: Clarence Williams III, Joe Torry, De’aundre Bonds, Samuel Monroe Jr., Wings Hauser, Tom Wright, Anthony Griffith, Michael Massee, Duane Whitaker, David Alan Grier, Brandon Hammond, Rusty Cundieff, Paula Jai Parker, Corbin Bernsen IMDb: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0114609/
Here comes the sequel that people actually have wanted to see for too long. Meanwhile, we had some videogames, comics, the awesome animated series, and I envy those who were lucky enough to experience the Broadway musicals that became huge successes. So, it’s fair to say that Beetlejuice’s spot and impact on pop-culture seemed to be bigger than we’d even realized. The time and years also came and went while the sequel was announced several times during the mid 2000s until it became the boy who cried wolf. It became too good to be true, but to be honest: I would rather wait for twenty years than see Beetlejuice Goes Hawaiian, whatever that was supposed to be. But now, only 37 years later, the juice is finally loose.
But still, my biggest concern here was how in hell they were going to recreate the same magic, vibe and the distinct cartoonish tone from the original without missing the mark and the perfect balance completely. Because it could easily have become a catastrophic, tone-deaf cringefest that would shuffle right in the same footsteps as Son of the Mask, to give the worst example. The year is also 2024, where legacy sequels have been pretty bland and forgettable, with some few exceptions. And then we have our favorite goth uncle, Tim Burton, who hasn’t quite been himself in a long, long time. Life happens to all of us. But that was until he directed the first episodes of Wednesday, where we saw some of his mojo coming back. So there was hope. Then came the teasers and the trailers and we were sold.
So, what’s the Deetz family been up to during all these years? Lydia Deetz is still herself, now as a professional medium, not a big surprise there, and has her own Paranormal TV show which she hosts with a live audience and all. And no, she’s not married to Zak Bagans. She’s been dating her producer, Rory (Justin Theroux), this film’s version of the eccentric Otho (until he isn’t). Lydia also has a daughter, Astrid (Jenna Ortega), and they don’t have the best relationship, since Astrid thinks her mother a complete whackjob and a fraud. It’s more complex than that, though. And, of course, she doesn’t believe in the supernatural at all. Her biological dad also died years ago and she can’t stand Rory.
Delia (Catherine O’Hara) is in Manhattan, New York, where she has an art exhibition. She’s still a redhead and a more borderline self-centered bitch than ever. But where’s Charles, Lydia’s dad, you ask? He is all by himself in the ghost house up on the hill, chilling the peaceful life, we have to assume. Wait, the phone is ringing. It’s Delia. Charles is dead, she says. Died during a plane crash. Oh… Time for an awkward little reunion in the small town of Winter River to arrange his funeral. And the old model still stands in the attic, Beetlejuice’s little loophole entry to the surface world.
Yes, there’s a lot of family drama going on, because there’s a lot to catch up to after almost four decades. But there’s no reason to worry – The showman himself, Beetlejuice (Michael Keaton), is just waiting for the right moment to join the reunion, and he has way more screentime than he had in the original, which was only 17 minutes. In the meantime, he’s kept himself busy with his Bio-Exorcist career, having a big open office space in the Neitherworld where he has a staff of Smallheads to do all the paper work.
Speaking of reunions: The Maitlands couple we saw in the original, played by Geena Davis and Alec Baldwin, is long gone and not to be seen. We get the point and reason why: ghosts don’t age. They get a brief mention by Lydia, who gives her own logical explanation of their absence just to tie the films together fittingly. Davis looks fabulous for her age, by the way, while Baldwin has morphed into the bitter rageaholic that he is. Teddybear Otho, on the other hand, isn’t even mentioned. And that broke my heart a little. Especially considering that Glenn Shadix fell in his home and died tragically of blunt head trauma in 2010. RIP.
Anyway – Meanwhile, downstairs in the world of the dead, we get to see a pretty wild entry of the films secondary villain. And that’s none other than Beetlejuice’s ex-wife, Dolores (Monica Bellucci), a cute mix of Corpse Bride and Sally from Nightmare Before Christmas. And you’ll also get a clear picture of why she meant nothing to him, nothing at all, as referred in the first film. It’s also hard to not feel some sympathy for Mr. Juice when some historical pieces are being put together. Because he absolutely means something to her, and not in some positive way. We also have a vital love-interest sideplot with Astrid and the neighbor boy Jeremy (Arthur Conti) which takes some pretty interesting turns.
Lydia is still haunted by the memories of Beetlejuice, who once tried to force her to marry him. She’s kept all of this a secret from her extended family, but when she starts to see quick flashes of him lurking everywhere she goes, the can of worms starts to open. The plot starts to thicken when both Astrid and Rory find out about this Beetleguy, and it’s just a quick matter of time when one of them can’t resist the temptation to spit out his name three times.
And when the news came that Willem Dafoe had been added to the cast, I was pretty sure that he was going to play Jacques LaLean from the animated series. Instead, we meet Wolf Jackson, a former action star, who’s now living out his fantasies in the afterlife as a police officer in the Neitherword. And for some reason, he’s on the tail on both Beetlejuice and Dolores.
I was a little surprised how practical and old-school the film actually was, both when it came to the effects and especially the sets. Because the cynical side of me just assumed they would CGI/green screen the whole Winter River town and the ghost house itself, because that’s what Hollywood normally does these days. Instead, we also have a sweet nostalgia trip to the quiet little town of East Corinth, hidden somewhere in the forest countryside of Vermont. And the Neitherworld is a whole place by itself where we get to see more of with its crooked, narrow, colorful hallways and chess floors, a place you’d like to explore for yourself. Maybe some day.
Tim Burton’s zany imagination and inspiration is back in full force here. So is his energy, which makes Beetlejuice Beetlejuice feel way more of a passion project than just another sequel. I bet everyone had a blast making this, not to mention the make-up crew who had all the different types of dead people we see in the world downstairs to work with. Every aspect to the smallest details are done with such care, love and respect to the original, without overstuffing us with shallow member berries. We have some of those, of course, but they’re really tasty.
We also have some references from the old times, such as Beetlejuice’s backstory told in the stylish black & white style of Mario Bava, and get ready for the roller-coaster ride that is the Soul Train. It’s crazy, wild, chaotic, unpredictable and lots of fun. A big morbid cinematic Halloween candy bag with some even more unexpected surprises. The older fans who grew up with the original, and the animated series in the early 90s, will definitely feel the warm and fuzzy nostalgia bug.
Michael Keaton still nails every step and tone of the title character. He slips right into Beetlejuice and the iconic outfit as if it was 1988. The slapstick, the small tics and details with his bizarre mannerism, are still intact with the perfect balance without being too much. And after pushing 70, and blessed with some excellent genes, Keaton plays the role as if he was 41 with a body full of demons. All the co-actors do a solid job and I liked the more nuances in the family dynamic between Lydia and her stepmom Delia, which was very one-dimensional in the first film. The one I wish had more screentime was Dolores.
And to finally address the real boogeyman in the room, that is Jeffrey Jones, who played Lydia’s dad in the first film. Yeah, whatever happened to him. He’s a registered sex offender, if you didn’t already know, and hasn’t been doing anything acting related since 2014. And since this isn’t a Disney production, he is persona non grata. Still, Charles is in the movie, in some very bizarre, morbid and hilarious way. And he’s actually way more present than I expected. Also, what they did to his character without writing him off completely was pure genius, comedy gold, and I laughed every time when that poor fucker popped up on the screen.
The music here must also be mentioned, which is just fantastic. It’s classic Danny Elfman, and he really pours his ghoulish heart into every single note and detail. He gives a more thick and sinister tone to the classic opening theme, like he did with Batman Returns (1992). The opening credit sequence is another aspect, which, in all honesty, I didn’t expect until that old Geffen logo came and did its rotation on screen. I knew already then that we were in for a ride. So, by all means; please take notes and bring back the classic themesongs and opening credits again, because they rule.
The film earned back its budget already during the opening weekend, so there’s no reason for the Warner brothers to not say his name one last time with Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice. In the meantime, you can now bingewatch all four seasons of the animated series on Tubi.
Director: Tim Burton Writers: Alfred Gough, Miles Millar, Seth Grahame-Smith Country & year: USA, 2024 Actors: Michael Keaton, Winona Ryder, Catherine O’Hara, Jenna Ortega, Justin Theroux, Willem Dafoe, Monica Bellucci, Arthur Conti, Nick Kellington, Santiago Cabrera, Burn Gorman, Danny DeVito IMDb: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2049403/
It’s Shark Week and all, and since I’ve already talked about the modern classic that is Ouija Shark four years ago, now it’s time to take a look at the sequel.
Ouija Shark 2 opens with a quick summary of the first one where Anthony (John Migliore) sacrificed himself to save his daughter from getting eaten by a ghost shark. Anthony (John Migliore again) has since gotten stuck in a cheap green-screened Hell as a twisted parody of Dr. Strange where he’s getting chased and fighting against… gorillas. Of course, what else did you expect.
Anthony’s supposedly grieving wife (played by Deborah Jayne Reilly Smith) gives an emotionless speech with some crocodile tears, standing by his gravestone and swears that she will bring him back. She visits the fortune-teller who helped Anthony crossing over to the other side, in order to whack the shark and get some answers. The crystal ball tells us what we already know: that he’s in Hell. We can’t leave him THERE.We have to SAVE him, Anthony’s wife says with the emotion of a flat google voice. It’s not gonna be easy, the fortune-teller replies. It’s gonna be a barefoot trip to the park, don’t you worry.
Because after a quick meeting with The Grim Reaper (played by a dude with some cheap white paint on his face), Anthony gets some assistance from a ghost alligator which will help him finishing the evil shark. And just out of the blue, as expected, we have a musical number here where a goofy Satan and his TikTok brides show Taylor Swift how you make a catchy song (and that was not irony). Meanwhile, in the land of the living, Anthony’s wife is in the local woods to ask the mom of the fortune-teller for help. She’s a hermit and not interested. Shove off, she says. Can’t blame her. She changes her mind, though. But who cares. Now we want some shark mayhem, as the poster teases us with.
And the poster didn’t lie. If the film wasn’t amateur-hour already, just wait for the last thirty minutes – or as Satan himself says: You’ve seen nothing yet, folks! Here we have a series of random nightly cityscape shots where the ghost shark and the gator boss fight each other. Both creatures are, just like in the first film, ultra-cheap looking cute puppets that toddlers would have in their bed, and it looks as epic and cinematic as you’d expect. The gator spits out yellow-glowing puffy CGI balls while Satan controls the shark with a ouija board as he’s laughing and having a blast. The military chimes in and fires some missiles. The shark zaps them by shooting force-lighting through its eyes. Lots of buildings get destroyed, even a nuclear power plant (!) Oh, the mayhem, carnage and destruction! Roland Emmerich would eat his heart out. Really intense stuff, in other words. We see a handful of extras who run left and right in front a black, foggy background, all of which I would bet is super proud to be a part of Ouija Shark 2. And don’t blink if you wanna catch the two-second cameo by Lloyd Kaufman.
Ouija Shark 2 is written and directed by the main protagonist himself, John Migliore. And he goes all in for a crazier tone than the first one with a script that must have been co-written by a group of eight-year olds who just made it up as they went along. While the first had a whopping budget of 300 (yes, three hundred) Canadian dollars, I’d guess this one is slightly higher (50 dollars extra maybe), which gives us a few more green screen backgrounds rather than just the local woods and the director’s backyard. The acting is, of course, a big factor here, which is as strong and solid as you’d see in an elementary school play. But the one who takes the golden raspberry here, is Deborah Jayne Reilly Smith. She’s so stiff, lifeless and ridiculously robotic that she makes Mark Zuckerberg actually look like a normal human being. That in itself quite impressive.
So, whats next for this epic franchise, we may wonder? How about Ouija Shark 3: The Harpoon Made Me Do it, just to spitball an idea.
Writer and director: John Migliore Country & year: Canada, 2022 Actors: John Migliore, Deborah Jayne Reilly Smith, Kylie Gough, Simon Wheeldon, Lena Montecalvo, Jay MacAulay, Sabrina Migliore, Emmalene Pruden, Nicholas Migliore IMDb: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt21409958/
Dead Snow 2 (also known as Dead Snow 2: Red vs. Dead) starts where the previous film left off, at full speed, where the only survivor, Martin (Geir Vegar Hoel), with an arm less due to cutting it off with a chainsaw after he got bitten. Things doesn’t look too good and when he thought that he’d come to peace with the zombies by giving them their precious box of gold, he forgot to add a golden coin which he had in his pocket. And of course, it isn’t over until Herzog claims that gold and has killed the last body count.
Things get more messy when Herzog attacks Martin’s car, which escalates with a truck that rips off Herzog’s arm that falls into the car with Martin. After it all ends with a car crash, Martin gets brought to the hospital where things get even more fucked-up. Because when he wakes up, the doctors have stitched together Herzog’s arm into his freshly sawed-off limb. Doesn’t sound too bad at first, but it turns out that the arm is something straight from Evil Dead II. But along comes an upgrade with some superpowers, which he has to learn to control.
Things are still pretty normal so far, but it gets out of control when Martin accidentally kills one of the patients, who’s a young kid. Yes, children gets killed here. Not just one, but a few. Oh my. All from kids playing in a sandbox to toddlers in their strollers. So be sure to have the whambulance ready on speed dial.
Anyway, now that Martin is in the deepest shit, with not only Nazi zombies on his tail, he’s now the number-one suspect in the country for killing his friends in the mountains. Martin needs some assistants to get out of this mess, and quickly. The kid he accidentally killed some moments ago told him something about a trio of zombie hunters, called Zombie Squad, from the USA. This group is led by Daniel (played by the Freaks and Geeks actor Martin Starr). With him, he has the two most annoying Star Wars nerds that think every snowy mountain in Norway is the filming location of Hoth. Huh, well, someone has to tell them that Dead Snow 2 was actually filmed in Iceland, for whatever reason.
More blood, more guts, more violence, more action, more plot, more fun, more evil Nazi motherfuckers, more insanity and other surprises is what to expect from Dead Snow 2. And this time Herzog also has a tank which he don’t waste any time to use. BANG!!!
Dead Snow 2 is a sequel done right on every level which surpasses the original like a sledgehammer. The film is also rich on locations where the distinct mountain landscapes of Iceland makes a grim and majestic appearance in its one unique way, even though it’s all supposed to take place in Norway. Alongside with the Zombie Squad, we have some new characters to join the epic journey to the final battle of Herzog and his army. The humor is also amped up with more gallow with a tone far more absurd and wacky than the first one, where Troma meets the early works of Peter Jackson. And it all works great like a slippery dick in a pussy, or like kuk i fitte, as we say in Norwegian. We also have some really fun kills where all from old folks in wheelchairs to kids, gays, and priests aren’t safe, and some brutal home invasion scenes. And without spoiling, unlike the trailer, there’s also a nice and inventive homage to The Return of The King here that fits perfectly. Even though the snow itself seems to have melted, it’s as fun, epic and wild as it can be. Skål, cheers and Sieg Heil!
According to Tommy Wirkola, the script for Dead Snow 3 has already been written years ago where there’s a hint of bringing Hitler himself to the surface. The sad thing is that actor Geir Vegar Hoel, who also worked as co-writer for this one, died in 2020 of cancer at age 47. RIP. How his passing will affect the rest of the franchise remains to be seen and now that it has already gone ten years since the release of this film, it seems more unlikely a third installment will happen. We can hope.
Both films are available on DVD/Blu-ray on the international market and can be dug up from Cd Universe and Amazon. And guess what: they’re also on Tubi!
Director: Tommy Wirkola Writers: Tommy Wirkola, Geir Vegar Hoel, Stig Frode Henriksen Original title: Død Snø 2 Country & year: Iceland, Norway, 2014 Actors: Geir Vegar Hoel, Ørjan Gamst, Martin Starr, Jocelyn DeBoer, Ingrid Haas, Stig Frode Henriksen, Hallvard Holmen, Kristoffer Joner, Amrita Acharia, Derek Mears, Bjarte Tjøstheim IMDb: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2832470/
First off, here’s a drinking game: Take a great shot of karsk for each time Norway/Norwegian is mentioned in this review. Now – Just like Cold Prey, we have Dead Snow, which was also a big deal upon its release back in 2009. Because of this one, we now had our first Norwegian zombie movie to finally show off, with Nazis even. And a lot of red, blood-soaked snow while the Easter sun is shining bright. Another note for the Norwegian film history books. Dead Snow became a hit at the Sundance festival that kick-started the fruitful career of Tommy Wirkola, who’s since made several films in Hollywood – most notably the Christmas action/horror flick Violent Night (2022) with John Harbour in the main role.
Dead Snow opens appropriately enough with Edward Grieg’s In the Hall of the Mountain King, as someone is getting chased in the mountain forest and killed by a group of, yes you guessed it, zombies. Zombies in Norway, you say? Huh, that was new. Thought they only had trolls, gnomes and brunost. Yes, but these aren’t Norwegian zombies, you see, so get ready for an upcoming history lesson. After this short and quick adrenaline-filled opening, we meet our group of body-counts/friends of four medical students who are on their way to a mountain cabin in Øksfjord, far up in the northern countryside to celebrate Easter, get drunk on beer and moonshine, party hard and the luckiest ones gets to fuck in the shithouse.
The party mode gets put on hold for a minute when our group of friends gets an unexpected visit from a hiker. And this guy has seen some dark shit, for sure, his face can tell. He gives them a history lesson of the notorious Nazi colonel Herzog, who with his death squad team occupied the area during WW2. They did gruesome things to the locals over a span of three years, and as our hiker says in his beautiful northern dialect:
Det hær va nånn onde SATANS jævla! Wich is best translated as: They were some EVIL motherfuckers!
To cut his story short: Herzog and co. stole a dose of valuables when the war was over and tried to escape over the mountains where they seemed to disappear. Legend says that they froze to death and there’s an evil lurking over the place that must not be awakened. Yeah, whatever. They only scoff at him and don’t think much of it afterward, because who in the right mind would. So, who wants another beer? It isn’t until they find some hidden old valuables and gold in the cabin crawlspace that the plot starts to thicken. Because, guess who also wants to claim that gold, other than the Leprechaun.
Nazi zombies aren’t something new, nor was it with Dead Snow. We can actually rewind all the way back to the 1940s and dig up the corpses of King of the Zombies and Revenge of the Zombies and the terrible cult-schlock from 1981 that is Jean Rollin’s Zombie Lake, and more. But, of course, in a cold, winter-filled Norwegian setting, this was something we never thought we’d see on a big screen. Especially considering that a film like this would have been completely banned in a gnome country like this, or at least cut to pieces to the unrecognizable if it was made in the VHS era.
The effects are nice and juicy and the film goes full-out with the carnage and what they had in the gore-department. Eyes get poked out in Fulci-style, heads ripped in half, bodies ripped to shreds, people hanging from someone’s fresh ripped-out intestines from a cliff as they fight zombies, some general hack and slashing and its list of references. And of course, we have some glorious chainsaw action. Approx 400 liters of fake blood was used here. Not too shabby for being the first Norwegian zombie movie.
It’s all done with a dose of humor with a great group of actors in some very likable roles. My favorite is Bjørn Sundquist, one of the finest legacy actors we have in Norway. His screentime is short but none other than him would be able to tell the backstory of Herzog in such a serious deadpan manner like he did. However, some of the humor may not land as much on the non-Norwegian audience, especially the classic scene towards the end with the tunes and lyrics of Åge Alexandersen’s Min Dag.
It also shows that this is an early film of a newcomer. It’s of course a big step forward after Wirkola’s debut with Kill Buljo in technical terms. The pacing keeps a steady track, it’s overall fun and entertaining with a lot of energy and some great use of nature scenery. But still, there are some rough edges here. Some choppy and clunky editing choices prevent some of the death scenes to shine and breathe, and the ending gives the impression that the budget just said stop. If Tommy Wirkola already had the sequel in mind, I don’t know, but Dead Snow 2, which came five years later, surely makes this more of a warm-up, or a vorspiel, as we usually say in Norway before the big party. Så det e bare for dåkk kjære hæstkuka å håll sprit’n klar.
Director: Tommy Wirkola Writers: Tommy Wirkola, Stig Frode Henriksen Original title: Død Snø Country & year: Norway, 2009 Actors: Geir Vegar Hoel, Stig Frode Henriksen, Charlotte Frogner, Lasse Valdal, Evy Kasseth Røsten, Jeppe Beck Laursen, Jenny Skavlan, Ane Dahl Torp, Bjørn Sundquist, Ørjan Gamst IMDb: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1278340/
By looking at the poster, you’d expect this to be one of the numerous mockbusters from The Asylum. But The Amazing Bulk is so much, much worse and not something you can fully be prepared for witnessing, even with your own eyes. Imagine if Sin City was written by Tommy Wiseau and directed by Neil Breen with the cheapest-looking green screen background effects from some Nintendo 64 games. There you have it. So yeah, this is a doozy one.
The plot goes like this: The young scientist, Henry Howard, is developing some kind of amazing purple serum for the government. The plan is that this serum will cure the world of famine and turn anyone who injects it into superhumans. Henry is also a grumpy-pants who mostly wears a frown which I honestly thought James Rolfe had trade marked. Anyway, Henry is in love with Hannah and wants to marry her. The problem is that Hannah also happens to be the daughter of General Darwin, who refuses Henry to marry her until after he has the serum ready.
All odds seem to be against poor Henry, and after being robbed on his way home after a date with Hannah, he’s had enough and decides to try the serum. Since there’s no budget here, don’t expect much of a transformation scene. Some dark CGI clouds covers the screen until it fades away and in front of us we have The Not So Amazing Bulk: a purple, retarded, babyface-looking, dickless stock cartoon monster with only one or two animations. He stomps at thugs and bad guys, but when he’s confronted by the only two lousy police officers in the city, he runs like a soy-filled bitch as if he’s crapped his pants.
And in a castle somewhere where it’s dark and gloomy and bats are flying everywhere, we meet Dr. Werner von Kantlove and his braindead cute-as-a-poodle wife Lolita. Dr. Kantlove is a wobbling super villain who looks like a cross of Javier Milei’s wig and a shady Nickelodeon producer who likes to sniff the bare feet of little girls. So, what’s his agenda? Just to blow up the moon. The Bulk now has a nemesis to take care of, but there’s more. Much more. The Amazing Bulk is a treasure chamber of ineptitude awesomeness, and when you think you’ve seen the worst, you’ll be surprised.
The film is directed by Lewis Schoenbrun and the only post on his trivia section says that he’s a fan of Stanley Kubrick. Who isn’t. His short Wikipedia page can tell us that he was born in 1958, has worked in the film industry since the 1970s and made his magnum opus The Amazing Bulk at the age of 52. Having that in mind, it’s almost impossible to even suggest that this was made with even the smallest nugget of seriousness. Well…
There’s a rare interview of the man where one can already tell by his picture that he’s certainly that kind of guy who’d make a film like this bad on purpose. The intention was to make a film in the same spirit as Who Framed Roger Rabbit, Speed Racer, and clearly Sin City with some elements of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. He bought a whole package of digital stock effects of figures, backgrounds, foregrounds, everything for 2,000 dollars, while a group of amateur actors used a treadmill to give us the illusion that they are walking in the environment as the background scrolls behind them. The whole thing took only five days to shoot in a garage in California with a complete budget of 14.000 dollars. 14.000 spent on what? God knows. Every single scene here is green screen filled with the shittiest cartoon backgrounds you can imagine. It looks worse than a YouTube skit from 2006.
After the film got the reaction it clearly deserved, with people almost dying from laughing, director Shoenburn decided to pull a Tommy Wiseau to say that the film was actually meant to be a comedy, you dummy. I would believe him, if it wasn’t for his Jupiter-sized ego getting in the way of commenting about the negative reviews. Because, in his mind, people are just jealous of not being a film director like him. Uhm, okay. Someone please pull his head out of his ass before he suffocates. During the past twelve years, he’s been retired from directing and has since worked at the International Academy of Film and Television as a teacher in the Philippines. Good for him.
The film gets better worse and more batshit as it goes on with scenes and logic that could only come from the brain of a six-year-old. So we thought. Two grown-ups actually wrote the script. One of my favorite moments is the chase scene between the Bulk and the two police officers as they run through a completely empty and lifeless city. I can’t describe how mindbogglingly horrendous the effects are, but we have a classic moment where the Bulk makes a car swirl in the air and lands on one of the officers. And the size of the car is the same, if not smaller, than the person. Top tier filmmaking, where everyone should take notes. Some of the effects looks like they were made in MS Paint while others are in such low resolution that the only thing we see is a blurry mess. The Amazing Bulk is a demented trainwreck of a shitshow that I can’t recommend enough if you like funny-bad movies. Truly a masterpiece in its category.
The film is available on DVD from Wild Eye Releasing and can be streamed on Tubi.
Director: Lewis Schoenbrun Writers: Keith Schaffner, Jeremiah Campbell Country & year: US, 2012 Actors: Terence Lording, Shevaun Kastl, Randal Malone, Juliette Angeli, Jed Rowen, Deirdre V. Lyons, Mark E. Fletcher, Mike Toto, Meghan Falcone IMDb: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1788453/
Welcome to amateur hour. Today we take a look at Ed Gein: The Musical, a homemade micro-budget horror comedy made for shits n’giggles that was probably a fun time for all those involved. The rest of the world had to wait for ten whole years to finally witness a singing Ed Gein to be released on DVD.
The film starts straight to the point where Ed Gein enters Mary Hagan’s store and then shoots her with a shotgun. After the sinful act, we hear the first notes of Eddie as he sings (with the voice-over of Will Keizer, who wrote most of the songs).
♫ Oooooooooh no, I Did A Bad Thing … And Now They Are Coming For Meeee … There’s Nowhere To Hide … Ooooh Mama, I Did A Bad Thing ♪ …
Eddie takes the corpse to his shed with the second musical number while he chops up some limbs, titled Lonely Feeling, Lonely Reeling, and the energy is as electric as a Sunday evening at the local Bingo hall.
Ed gets arrested by the sheriff, suspected of the murder of Miss Hagan, and brought into the interrogation room. From here on, Ed tells his life story, filled with nothing but delusional fantasies as we dive into more zero-budget, amateur movie madness and two-notes of honky-tonk song numbers mixed with mainly acoustic guitar and not much of the basic understanding of how a musical works. The songs are completely forgettable and performed in the most bland, lifeless karaoke style with a static camera.
We see a quick flashback scene where a young Ed gets abused by his dad for having a picture of a half-naked lady. After getting whipped with the belt, Ed says: When I’m grown I won’t take this crap. When I’m grown I will be a handsome chap. Yeah, you heard that right. We then cut to the current Ed, dressed like a sleazy car-salesman as he sings… a rap-song. The cringe meter is already at its maximum, but it still manages to get worse. Because we haven’t seen the scene with Ed and his mom yet.
We see Ed in various scenarios. In one scene he’s in some hall with elderly people, he’s in the fakest-looking cemetery ever put on film, he sits in a bar, sings some duets with random chicks and more nonsensical buffoonery follows. We also see him in a sitcom setting where they forgot to add the laugh track. All filmed in blurry and out-of-focus images with the sense of filming in general as a blind, drunk sailor man who’s way past his bedtime. As for the comedy goes we laugh more at the film than with it, which is completely fine by me.
The only legit quality to point out is the eye-catching artwork on the DVD cover. For more Ed Gein, check out Deranged (1974), Ed Gein (2000) and the graphic novel Did You Hear What Ed Gein Done? (2021).
Director: Steve Russell Writer: Dan Davies Country & year: USA, 2010 Actors: Dan Davies, Clifford Henry, Laurie Friedman-Fannin, Lucia Stevenson, M.J. Marsh, Cindy Yungwirth, James Fairchild, Barbra Alloy, Edie Amundsen, Charlie Bitter, Jason Buss IMDb:www.imdb.com/title/tt1562295/
– Hey, remember that movie? You know, the one about the little space guy. Made you cry like a butthole?
