Mr. Holybar (the local chocolate bar priest) makes a late visit to Lolli’s home. Her daughter Twizzly, is usually such a sweet girl, but lately, has been acting healthy.
The Exortwist is a fun animated parody based on the famous The Exorcist, and here it’s got a twist (pun intended).
Director: Laura Koval
Writer: Loren Baskin Almazan, Laura Koval
Country & year: USA, 2021
Actors: Jordan Haro, Nicole Kurdziel, Sami Martinez
IMDb: www.imdb.com/title/tt15766132/
There was actually a time when films like this were called plagiarism. Today we call them remakes. And call this specimen of celluloid what you will, Pazuzu, however, has already left the building and dived straight back to hell to suck Saddam Hussein’s big hairy toes rather than being near this eyesoaring madhouse.
There’s little to zero trivia info to find about this Turkish obscurity other than it’s more or less a shot-for-shot remake of The Exorcist – a movie from 1973 you may have heard of. The film was apparently shot on a low budget, resulting in a grainy and poor image quality. You don’t say. To call the image quality grainy and poor is the biggest understatement since the beginning of human existence. I would first assume the film was shot on used toilet paper with a dirty lens covered in fresh urine and projected straight out of Belphegor’s asshole.
And you couldn’t ask for a more honest plot summary to add on the backside of the DVD cover:
– After the worldwide success of William Friedkin’s 1973 classic film The Exorcist, those wacky Turks decided that maybe they should steal the script and make their own homegrown version of the film. The result is Seytan, a one of a kind viewing experience. If you’ve seen the 1973 original you’ll feel you’re experiencing déjà Vu as this version is almost an identical scene by scene remake of The Exorcist, albeit with a Turkish soundtrack, music recorded directly off a record player, editing most likely done by a blind monkey and special effects more fitting for an elementary school play. Combine this with really grainy film stock, some out of work (possibly homeless) unknown Turkish actors, horrible direction and a budget of about $1.95 and you’ve got yourself an instant classic. –
There are some story changes here though. Instead of Father Damien Karras, we have the young author Tugrul Bilge, who’s just written a book about black magic titled Seytan. And one of the readers of that book is the twelve-year-old girl Gül, while she also plays with a spirit board. And instead of Captain Howdy we have Captain… Lersen. Gül gets possessed by Lersen and her mother contacts Bilge after she discovers his book. Although Bilge is a non-believer (u-oh), he gets invited to have a look at Gül as she’s bedridden and wearing some cheap make-up, a big Tina Turner wig and mumbles with a comical demon voice that sounds more like a drunk, old Japanese samurai. And yes, of course, The Exorcist himself, an old gentleman with a white-trimmed santa beard, eventually pops up to conjure holy forces in the big climax.
The funny thing is that both Gül and Tugrul sound like some sinister stage names from a black metal band, while Lersen sounds more like a regular Joe.
And forget about any obscene cussing like “your mother sucks cocks in hell” and “let Jesus fuck you!” The most edgy written piece of dialogue we get is “I will kill you”. In other words: I highly doubt that anyone who saw this back in 1974 in the Turkish cinemas went out of the movie shaking with trauma, and had problems sleeping the following night. The masturbation scene is still here though, in its own unique way, along with the head spinning sequences, the possessed furniture, the medical examinations, Karra’s Bilge’s sideplot with his mommy issues – but with the momentum like a quick fart in the wind, and the emotional depth as deep as a puddle on the sidewalk. It’s amateur-hour all the way and like a piss-drunk karaoke version of something very familiar performed by Eilert Pilarm with the tunes from Mike Oldfield’s Tubular Bells constantly on repeat throughout the first half of the movie, ripped from a tired cassette tape, to remind us that this is… The Turkish Exorcist. Burp.
The acting is as laughable as you’d expect, but I have to give the girl who plays the Turkish Regan some cred as she tries her best and seemed to have a jolly fun time during the making of this looney tune. She also got the pleasure of spitting some green-something in the old man’s face.
Seytan never got any official physical release, or not that I know of, other than a DVD bootleg in 2007 by Substance, ripped from a VHS added with subtitles which even Google seemed to struggle to translate. Fun shit. It’s of course also on YouTube with a more cleaned up image quality but without the subtitles.
Director: Metin Erksan
Writer: Yilmaz Tümtürk
Also known as: Seytan – The Turkish Exorcist
Country & year: Turkey, 1974
Actors: Canan Perver, Cihan Ünal, Meral Taygun, Agah Hün, Erol Amaç, Ismail Hakki Sen, Ekrem Gökkaya
IMDb: www.imdb.com/title/tt0072148/
Take a bunch of obscure deleted scenes from E.T., Poltergeist, and some unreleased haunted house movie made by Disney TV, stitch them randomly together with little to no context – and then you have Making Contact, written and directed by Roland Emmerich. Yes, the “master of disaster“ himself who gave us Independence Day.
And no, Making Contact, which Emmerich made eight years before his global breakthrough with Stargate, has nothing to do with making contact with space or aliens. I don’t exactly know what the movie is trying to make contact with… A cohesive plot it is certainly not, and I don’t even think that a young, struggling Roland Emmerich knew. He just wanted to make an entertaining movie, according to the film’s wiki page. And entertaining it is, but mostly for the wrong reasons. And that’s always something I can appreciate.
The film centers around the young kid, Joey, who’s just had his dad buried. Why, what or how, we never get to know. The same night, while he’s in his room, the house gets haunted by… something. All the toys start to move and a red-glowing toy phone in his closet starts ringing. On the other end is his dad, or that is what we’re supposed to believe. We’re only some minutes in when I can already picture this as one of the many unofficial sequels that got spewed out of Italy during the 1980s. And if that was the case here, this would be released as Poltergeist 2, without any questions.
Joey and his mother also happen to live next door to the same house from the Psycho films. Here it’s condemned and ready to be demolished. One day, Joey goes for an exploration in its cobwebbed basement, where he finds a ventriloquist dummy. The dummy’s name is not Norman Bates but Fletcher, and we soon learn that he’s possessed by a demon or something which should rather be locked up in a blessed cage in the occult museum of Ed and Lorraine Warren.
Weird, supernatural shit also occurs at school where an egg rolls by itself over a ruler from one table to another. Some girls’ pigtails start to float just out of the blue… and when I thought I’d seen it all: instead of a bunch of chairs stacked up on each other in the kitchen, we have some sharp knives stuck in the kitchen cupboard.
Making Contact is a weird mesmerizing mess that can never decide what direction it wants to go with a tone that bounces all over the place. There’s a side-plot with the demon possessed-whatever doll that never gets explained. The other kids in Joey’s class set up a plan to kill him because…because. Joey suddenly has telekinetic powers. Scientists set up a lab at Joey’s house. Kids are running around in Norman Bate’s huge underground basement where a big hamburger-shaped monster pops up, and some other ghoulish creatures for a quick moment. The top of a big maze can be seen in the distance and I wonder if there’s a shrine in there as well. The visual effects look like scraps from Mr. Boogedy.
Almost the entire cast is of non-actors who’s only appeared in this film, most of which are Germans while the shooting took place in Germany, Virginia Beach and at the backlot of Universal Studios in California where the exterior of the Psycho house is located. The film got English dubbing for its DVD release with a new musical score which sounds very familiar to a certain John Williams. And now I’m almost tempted to claim that Steven Spielberg actually ghost directed the film in some bizarre alternative universe while he snorted lines with Tobe Hooper. Because the more I think of this film the more confused I get.
Making Contact is obscure for a reason, but the weird and goofy nature of it, and if not considering who’s directed it, makes it more of a morbid curiosity and something to at least have some fun with. Emmerich followed up with the horror comedy Ghost Chase, aka Hollywood Monster, in 1987 which is even more nuttier.
Director: Roland Emmerich
Writers: Roland Emmerich, Hans J. Haller, Thomas Lechner
Original title: Joey
Country & year: West Germany, US, 1985
Actors: Joshua Morrell, Eva Kryll, Tammy Shields, Jan Zierold, Barbara Klein, Matthias Kraus, Jerry L. Hall Jr., Sean Johnson, Christine Goebbels, Ray Kaselonis
IMDb: www.imdb.com/title/tt0089378/
A man comes to the chilling realization that he is not alone when he finds odd images of himself taken from inside his home.
Shutter is a creepy horror short with a pretty cool monster/creature design!
Director: Ryan Kjolberg
Writer: Ryan Kjolberg, Michael Muchnij
Country & year: USA, 2015
Actors: Chris Roberts
IMDb: www.imdb.com/title/tt5011994/
Miriam is the only survivor of a twisted game her own father set in motion, which left her siblings killed in horrible ways. She is brought to the hospital, where a supernatural entity, the “Gamemaster”, offers her the opportunity to re-live that event from the beginning, and maybe change the outcome since she would then be armed with the knowledge of what is about to happen. She decides to do so, hoping to save her siblings from their own father’s cruel and twisted plans. And so, once again she’s together with them in their father’s high rise building because he asked them all to come. And he once again reveals that he’s got a brain tumor that is inoperable, and that he’s going to die soon…and then continues to tell them how awful disappointments they all are. Will Miriam be able to stop the murders from happening all over again, or will it be just as bloody as the first time?
To Your Last Death is an animated action horror film from 2019, directed by Jason Axinn and written by Jim Cirile and Tanya C. Klein. It was 114% funded on Indiegogo in 2016, with a total of $52.713 raised before the film went into production. At first, this movie felt a bit strange to watch with the pretty stiff puppet animation together with the realistic cartoon style, somewhat reminiscent to the show Archer, just a bit less polished. But I got pretty quickly used to it. It gives off a comic-book art style, and there’s even some scenes where there are comic book panels, so it was obviously made in order to replicate the graphic novel style. I also liked how they used Ray Wise’s character (the father Cyrus DeKalb) to look exactly like him. The voice casting is also excellent, with several well-known names such as Morena Baccarin and William Shatner. Bill Moseley (who plays Otis in the Rob Zombie movies House of 1000 corpses and The Devil’s Rejects) also has a voice acting role here, and he’s got the voice of one of the villains (no surprise there).
The story is a little bit like Groundhog Day meets Saw, and does it indeed get bloody and vicious at times! The evil businessman’s contraptions to have his own offspring killed is pure Jigsaw-esque in style and depravity, like how one of them needs to fill a bucked of blood by cutting themselves over and over again, or else they will get decapitated. Ooooh, messy! Aside from delivering on some very graphic kill scenes, it also offers enough tension to keep you invested throughout the movie.
To Your Last Death will definitely not be everyone’s cup of tea, and even though I liked the animation style I can understand that some people might be put off by it, at least for the 1 and a half hour duration. Still, it’s a pretty fun watch and quite fast-paced. There’s a lot of violence and gore, so gorehounds should start wagging their tails to this one.
Director: Jason Axinn
Writers: Jim Cirile, Tanya C. Klein
Country & year: US, 2019
Voice actors: Morena Baccarin, William Shatner, Damien C. Haas, Bill Moseley, Ray Wise, Mark Whitten, Benjamin Siemon, Bill Millsap, Florence Hartigan, Dani Lennon, Tom Lommel
IMDb: www.imdb.com/title/tt3748918/
Liz, a young student, disappeared for 18 days along with some of her friends. She resurfaces, disheveled and bloody, and in order to find out what happened to her and her friends she is interviewed by a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist, Dr. Phillipa Horwood, listens as Liz recounts the story about how her friend Martin arranged for her and her friends Mike, Geoff and Frankie to spend a weekend in an underground nuclear fallout shelter. They are totally trapped inside the shelter, as it cannot be opened from the inside, but of course that won’t be a problem since Martin will come back for them. For some reason that doesn’t happen, Martin doesn’t return to let them out, and when the teens realize they are trapped down there, they start turning on each other. Things go from bad to worse when they uncover hidden microphones in the shelter, apparently placed there by Martin. Liz claims that one morning, the hatch was suddenly open, allowing her, the only survivor, to escape. Everything sounds straight forward and such, but the psychiatrist is skeptical of Liz’s account of the events, and suspects there’s more to the story than what she’s been telling her.
The Hole is a British psychological thriller from 2001, directed by Nick Hamm and based on the 1993 novel After the Hole by Guy Burt. At the first look, it may appear to be a typical teen slasher, which is very far from being the case. It’s a psychological horror thriller about a bunch of rich prep school kids in England who wants to skip a field trip to Wales, by staying in an underground shelter for the weekend. Things go bad, and we’re presented with a twisted tale where the first half appears to be pretty straightforward, but then it’s progressing into a mystery that slowly unfolds. While it may not be too much of a surprise that there’s more to Liz’s account of events than what she’s been telling the psychiatrist, the movie also offers some tense scenes of how the spoiled youngsters react when they’re locked inside the shelter. There’s no doubt that the characters are supposed to come off as rather selfish and with an incredibly entitled attitude, making it hard to root for anyone. In this regard the performances are solid enough to keep the tension up, as they all turn on each other in full desperation.
While The Hole offers nothing groundbreaking, it’s still a pretty decent watch. The use of non-linear storytelling does keep you guessing for a bit, switching between current time and flashbacks, but it’s not like the “twist” at the end is that unpredictable. It’s still a well made mystery/whodunnit thriller, with a realistic tone and a claustrophobic setting which adds to the dark atmosphere.
Director: Nick Hamm
Writers: Guy Burt, Ben Court, Caroline Ip
Country & year: UK, France, Canada, 2001
Actors: Thora Birch, Desmond Harrington, Daniel Brocklebank, Laurence Fox, Keira Knightley, Embeth Davidtz, Steven Waddington, Emma Griffiths Malin, Jemma Powell, Gemma Craven
IMDb: www.imdb.com/title/tt0242527/
When the need to be something other than what we are becomes too much to bare, sometimes we choose the extreme solution to our problem. The result can change us forever, but leave us with conflicted feelings that are still too much to bare.
Consurgo is a strangely creepy little horror short where you follow what seems to be the ordinary day of a shoe shiner..
Director: Luigi Comandatore
Writer: Luigi Comandatore, Txemi Parra
Country & year: UK, 2023
Actors: Nicola Acunzo, Dee Imbert, Emmett McCarthy, Liliana Molina, Ricky Syers
IMDb: www.imdb.com/title/tt5078516/
Fear(s) of the Dark (French title: Peur(s) du noir) is a 2007 animated anthology with one-shot stories, all made in black & white. The recurring theme in all episodes are primarily fear, whether it is for real or imagined things. Several prominent illustrators have contributed with their work for this release.
Charles Burns (known for his graphic novel Black Hole) provides the story of a shy man who ends up becoming prey for a very attractive woman, who proves to be something completely different than what she pretends to be. Jerry Kramsky and Lorenzo Mattotti’s episode is a mystery-fueled story about people going missing in the nearby swamps. Blutch has an episode that is split up in parts and shown throughout the movie, where a man walks his bloodthirsty dogs, which in every segment attack people who are unfortunate enough to be in their way. Marie Caillou and Romain Slocombe lets their episode play out in Japan, where you’re told the story of 11-year old Sumako who keeps waking up in a mental institution, gets a shot by some doctor and quickly falls asleep again, where she keeps dreaming about her past. Richard McGuire and Michel Pirus provides an episode about a man seeking shelter in an abandoned house, and ends up becoming increasingly paranoid by the building’s many sounds, and he also finds an old photo album from the previous owners which makes his imagination go wild. And at last, Pierre Di Sciullo has small contributions with abstract animations which deals with several human fears, phobias and prejudices.
As you can probably guess from the descriptions of the several segments, Fear(s) of the Dark is a very mixed experience, but in a good way. Each episode has a notably different style, but overall there’s always a very effective use of shadows and angles which intensify the imminent feeling of fear and paranoia. The impact each episode will have on you will likely depend on your own personal fears and phobias. The story from Charles Burns, for example, of a young man’s first experience with love and lust which ends up evolving into obsession and horror, is both creepy and weird with some rather bizarre elements. Personally I found the segment by Richard McGuire and Michel Pirus to be most impactful for me, where you follow the man who seeks shelter in the abandoned house and can almost feel the fear and paranoia he feels while wandering the house’s dark rooms, feeling that he’s not alone.
Overall, all the episodes are well made and makes for a very interesting watch, and a nice entry into animated horror.
Director: Blutch, Charles Burns, Marie Caillou, Pierre Di Sciullo, Lorenzo Mattotti, Richard McGuire
Writers: Blutch, Charles Burns, Pierre Di Sciullo, Jerry Kramski, Richard McGuire, Michel Pirus, Romain Slocombe
Original title: Peur(s) du noir
Country & year: France, 2007
Voice actors: Gil Alma, Aure Atika, François Creton, Guillaume Depardieu, Sarah-Laure Estragnat, Nicolas Feroumont, Nicole Garcia, Arthur H., Christian Hecq
IMDb: www.imdb.com/title/tt0792986/
Writer, producer, editor and director Rick Sloane is a true independent auteur, no one can at least take that away from him. He’s made 16 movies over the course of the decades since the early 80’s, and we all should know about his Vice Academy films, a spoof of Police Academy which spawned five whole sequels. Yet he’s known for one movie and one movie only: Hobgoblins – one of the most, if not the most, sour fart-smelling and cringe-inducing cheese fests from the 1980s that got its place on the Worst Films Ever Made list and became a cult-classic of so-bad-it’s-good-movies.
The film starts in some old movie studio where the young nightguard, Dennis, have been strictly told by his older co-worker McCreedy to stay far away from the vault. Of course he won’t. And when he enters it, he’s suddenly on a stage in his own fantasy land where he’s a rock star. Shortly after he grabs the mike and does some silly movements, and ends up getting killed, off screen. A new young guy gets hired with the same warnings to stay away from the vault. Pffft, yeah right. One night when he opens it, a group of fluffy Mogwai/Critter hybrid creatures escape from the vault and drive away in a golf cart.
To quote the back of the Blu-ray; as bodycounts starts to rise, Kevin, with help of his friends, decide to track down the deadly creatures before they wreak havok on the city.
There’s only one (yes 1) bodycount in the entire film though, and that’s the guy we saw in the beginning, and the film is as tame as a newborn kitten. We learn that the creatures came from space in the 1950s in a small shuttle that crashlanded near the movie studio where McCreedy was a nightguard. He has since then kept them trapped in the vault, since anyone who encounters them will have their fantasy wishes come true, only until they get killed by the creatures. And guess what: they also get attracted to very bright lights. Rick Sloane claims that he wrote the script for Hobgoblins several years before Gremlins, by the way, so don’t you even dare to think otherwise.
There’s no more plot to break down from here ’cause there isn’t any. We have a string of nonsensical scenes where our group of protagonists keeps bullshitting around Kevin’s house. We have some rivalry between Mike and some Rambo wannabe who fights with rakes, because…just because. Later that night, they have a party where the creatures finally stop by to get the plot going forward. We eventually end up in some sleazy nightclub where it just gets more crazy and weird.
Hobgoblins is a real stink bomb in every aspect with the production value of an episode of ALF. The direction, the acting, the story (if there is any), the characters, the pacing, the effects, everything falls completely on its face. The attempt to be a comedy is like … I can’t even put a word on it. It’s something else. Holy moly macaroni. Even though the actors are a group of young and fresh graduates from the prestigious Troll 2 School of Acting, Troll 2 is Citizen Kane compared to this one, and you have to lower your bar to the lowest to sit through Hobgoblins.
There are no effects here. No blood, nothing. The only kill we get happens offscreen because its budget of $15,000 obviously couldn’t afford a single effect artist. What we have left is actors who do an impossible job to make us believe they are in danger while they wiggle around with lifeless puppets in the purest Ed Wood style. Picture Bela Lugosi with the octopus and there you have it. When we see the puppets moving around, they’re being operated by a woman who has just been released from a mental hospital. No shame in that. Sometimes crazy people need a job too.
The film is also sprinkled with goofs, but the one who caught my eye was the sequence with the car during where a hand visibly rocks the stationary car, and you can see it as clear as day. Then we have the grenades of the Rambo-wannabe-dude which he throws around the nightclub that does zero damage. A grenade gets thrown in one direction but explodes in a completely different direction. Like Ed Wood famously said: Filmmaking is not about the tiny details. It’s about the big picture.
Some trivia: The film was shot without permits and in a single week. The film studio was in a parking lot that was deserted at night, next to a crackhouse. McCreedy’s gun was actually a cap pistol, purchased from a toy store for five dollars. Only the eyes for the hobgoblins were going to be seen in an earlier draft of the script. A pit bull’s growl was used for the voice of the hobgoblins. Rick Sloane initially planned on making a sequel in 1990 and had even written a screenplay for it, but it wasn’t made until 2009 as Hobgoblins 2.
Hobgoblins was also mocked by Mystery Science Theater 3000, an episode which Rick Sloane got shocked by when he himself was mercilessly mocked over the film’s end credits. In an interview with Dead Central in 2009, he was asked about the movie’s position on the IMDb Bottom 100. He said he was “surprised it slipped down to #25 as it at sometime was the 2nd spot, right behind Gigli. As for now, it’s on #35. It’s also on a Blu-ray/DVD Combo Pack from Vinegar Syndrome.
Writer and director: Rick Sloane
Country & year: US, 1988
Actors: Tom Bartlett, Paige Sullivan, Steven Boggs, Kelley Palmer, Billy Frank, Tamara Clatterbuck, Duane Whitaker, James R. Sweeney, Kevin Kildow, Daran Norris, James Mayberry
IMDb: www.imdb.com/title/tt0089280/
A chilling short horror film about two young strangers waiting for the bus and getting entangled in the mysterious and terrifying circumstances around the bus stop.
Bus Stop is a creepy horror short where a boy who misses the bus ends up in a strange conversation with a mysterious girl..
Director: Zora Cielle Anri
Writer: Zora Cielle Anri
Country & year: UK, 2023
Actors: Poppie Boyes, Mike Kelson, Olivia Post, Joshua Shea
IMDb: www.imdb.com/title/tt28650420/
